If This Is Wrong, What's Right?
by OhWiseOne
Summary: Set after Dead Things. Buffy needs to make some tough decisions about Spike and her life. Can Angel, Giles and the rest of the Scoobies help?
1. A Different Point of View

Summary:       Buffy has questions about Spike that she just can't answer.  She turns to Angel for help.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

A Different Point of View 

Buffy had taken the afternoon bus to Los Angeles.  Crying on Tara's shoulder had opened the first of many floodgates.  Buffy had so many questions, questions that she needed answers to.  As she tossed and turned in bed that night, at least one answer became clear.  If you wanted to learn more about a vampire, go to his Grand-sire for help.   

Buffy's appearance at the Hyperion took everyone by surprise.  The Slayer was the last person any of them expected to see.

"Angel, we need to talk."  Buffy had ignored everyone else, walking straight to Angel and the baby he cradled in his arms. 

"Nice to see you to, Buffy.  Oh, me?  Doing great.  And yourself?'  Cordelia was talking to the Slayer's back.

Buffy turned around.  She was exhausted and teetering on the edge of sanity.  "Cordy, not in the mood for the Queen Bitch routine right now, okay?  I have more important things on my mind."  

Angel saw Cordelia's face flush with anger.  He knew this was not going to end well.  Better stop it before it started.  "Cordy, calm down.  I'm sure that whatever has Buffy acting this way is important.  Let it go for now.  Buffy, why don't we go into my office?"  Angel handed Connor to Fred and ushered the petite blond into his private space.  

Once inside the office, Angel closed the door.  "Well, that was quite an entrance.  What has you so riled you're in LA and acting this way?"  He took a seat on the edge of his desk, motioning for Buffy to find a chair.  

"I'll give you a hint.  An irritating bleach-blond with a crooked smile."  Buffy flounced down into the nearest chair.

"Spike.  I should have known.  What's he done now?"  Angel knew that no one, but no one, could get under your skin the way William could.

Buffy hesitated a minute before replying.  "He loves me.  Or at least, he thinks he loves me."  Buffy looked up at Angel through lowered eyelashes.  She wasn't sure how he was going to react to that, but she didn't have time to be delicate.  

Angel was silent for a moment.  "Okay."  And that's all he said.

"Okay?  I tell you Spike's in love with me, and that's all you have to say on the subject?  No yelling, no screaming, no 'that's not possible'.  Just, okay?"  Not exactly the reaction Buffy had been expecting.

Angel chose his next words carefully.  What the hell had been going on in Sunnydale since he left?  "Spike's a vampire, Buffy, but he is still part man.  He can fall in love.  Contrary to whatever Giles has been telling you all these years.  I should know.  If you say Spike is in love with you, then I say okay.  You tell me you're in love with Spike, and that becomes a different conversation."

One question answered in the first 5 minutes.  Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she thought.  "Angel, there is so much I need to tell you.  So many questions I have."  And the floodgates broke again.  Buffy started to cry.  Her shoulders slumped forward.  She buried her face in her hands.  

Angel walked to the door, inching it open.  "Wes, can you bring me a glass of ice water and a box of tissues?  Thanks."  Angel stayed close to the door, watching the Slayer cry.  He waited for Wesley to bring the items he requested.  Once he had them in his possession, he gave them to Buffy.  He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as he knelt before her.  "Start from the beginning."

"Angel, you're not going to like all of this."  Buffy was wiping the tears from her face.  How could she hurt this man before her, this man she loved?

Angel looked at her with concern in his eyes.  "Buffy, I already have a good idea where this is going.  Look, first and foremost, I'm your friend.  I'm here for you.  Just talk to me."

Buffy knew Angel was telling the truth.  He had the same non-judgmental look that Tara had the night before.  This is what she needed.  This was the reason she couldn't talk to Willow or Xander.  They would have judged her.  She didn't need judgment.  She needed friendship.

Buffy took a sip of water, then squared her shoulders.  "It all started when I found out Dawn was the Key…"    

It was hours later when Buffy finished her story.  She had told Angel everything about her and Spike and their twisted relationship.  His expression never changed.  She could sense the different emotions playing through his body, but he never let them show on his face.  "And then Tara tells me that I didn't come back wrong.  But if I'm not wrong, then why did I let those things happen between Spike and me?  Why have I been feeling this way?  Something has to be wrong with me.  I know it does!"

Angel took a drink from his glass.  Buffy still drank water, but he had graduated to Irish whiskey hours ago.  He was too old for this.  "Buffy, what do you want from me?  Why are you here?"

"I need answers, Angel.  I need to know what the hell is going on.  And you are the only one I can turn to."  Buffy didn't need more questions.  

"Okay.  Okay.  I don't think I can give you all the answers you are looking for, but I think that I can give you some incite into Spike and William."  Angel knew that there was a difference between the two.

"Spike and William?  Like they are two different people?  Angel, William died when Drusilla turned him.  All that's left now is Spike."  Slayer mentality taking over.

"And you know this because you've been a vampire."  There was a thread of agitation in Angel's voice.  "I was with him from the beginning, Buffy.  I know where William ends and Spike begins.  Stop looking at him through the eyes of a 16-year-old girl whose only knowledge of vampires is what her Watcher tells her.  Giles is good at his job, but he doesn't know everything.  The Watcher's Council doesn't know everything.  It's not like they've had the opportunity to talk to a vampire.  But you have.  You know him.  And what's messing with your mind more than anything is the contradiction that he is."  Angel let that revelation sink in.  It was going to be a long night.  "I'll tell you everything I know, and a few things that I suspect.  And you'll probably leave more confused then when you came.  Are you up for that?"

Buffy thought about what Angel said.  Is that what her problem was?  Was it the contradictions she saw on a daily basis?  Was that what was bugging her the most?  Only one way to find out.  "Shut-up and listen time.  I understand."

Angel took a seat behind his desk.  "Let me start by reminding you of something – Spike is evil.  He has a demon living in his body.  Nothing changes that fact.  And I'm not happy about what's going on between the two of you.  I left so you could have a normal life.  But you aren't my girl anymore.  You are a woman who needs to make her own choices."  Buffy nodded.

"Now, let me give you some history about William before he was turned.  Did he ever tell you where he got the name William the Bloody?"  Buffy shook her head.  "It has nothing to do with being a vampire.  His human peers gave it to him because of his bloody awful poetry.  And the name Spike?  One of the idiots said he would rather have a railroad spike through his head, than listen to William's poetry.  Darla, Dru and I watched him for several nights before Dru finally turned him.  We saw how he hated his life.  He existed on the outside of the group.  No one accepted him.  Dru, in her own insane way, felt sorry for him.  Maybe she felt a kinship because she had been ostracized.  Maybe that's why she decided to keep him instead of bleeding him.  We took advantage of that.  She went to him the same night the woman he loved told him that he was beneath her.  The only thing holding William to life was his love for her, and she took that away.  In the end, he begged Dru to turn him."

"And the gentleman who wanted the railroad spike through his head, got his wish two nights later.  I watched him, Buffy.  I watched him give each one of them the physical pain that mirrored the emotional pain they had inflicted upon him.  But he never touched the woman he loved.  I think her name was Cicely.  He wouldn't let Dru go after her either.  Even the monster couldn't hurt the woman who once held his heart.  So do I believe that Spike loves you?  Yes.  Without question."  

Angel poured himself another whiskey.  He raised an eyebrow at Buffy in invitation.  She nodded her head yes.  He mixed a liberal amount of water in with hers, knowing she didn't usually drink.  He handed the glass to her, then sat back down.

"Like I said, I watched him.  He wasn't like Darla and me.  We hung in the shadows.  Spike wanted to be among the people.  And it wasn't always for the kill, although some times it did end that way.  He wanted to be a part of something.  But just like before he was turned, he was on the outside.  So instead of moping about it like he did as a human, he used his vampire power to conquer it.  I think that's why Slayers hold such a fascination for him.  What better way to prove your superiority to humans than to kill the strongest, fastest, best of their race?"

"I remember the night Spike killed his first Slayer.  It was his eyes.  The town was in total chaos, but he was at such peace, such triumph.  Dru said she smelled fear that night.  I know that part of the fear was coming from me.  William scared me that night.  There was something in him, something different that I could never touch."

"Soon after that, the gypsies cursed me, and I lost track of Spike and Dru.  Oh, I still heard reports, even in the sewers I lived in.  Heard about the terror they spread all through Europe.  And I knew why.  Spike was William's revenge on the human race.  All the people that had hurt him, had pushed him away, had made him feel unimportant.  But revenge feeds revenge, Buffy.  And with a demon spurring you on, it just grows stronger."

"Why are you telling me this?" Buffy asked.  "I know what he's done.  That's the reason I feel dirty about whatever is going on between us.  He is evil, pure evil.   And I'm sleeping with him.  I let him hang around my little sister, my friends.  I go to him for comfort.  What does that say about me?"

"Buffy, I think all his life and his undead life, William has been looking for one thing, acceptance.  In a way, you give him that.  Acceptance into your world changes him.  The revenge that has fed the demon for over 100 years, is pacified."

"All humans have the capacity for good and evil, even with a soul.  You know that.  I think that when I died, the demon took control of my body, but not my mind.  The demon just makes it harder, almost impossible, for the good in me to come out.  My soul helps me fight the demon for control of my mind.  And it is a fight that I battle every second of every day.  Emotions, feelings aren't part of the soul.  You know that from school.  Emotions are a chemical and electrical by-product of the brain.  I think the demon dampens the ability of the brain to create the chemical and electrical combinations needed for a vampire to express and act on the 'good' human emotions.  Unless, the demon finds some way those emotions can be of benefit to his survival."

"And what does this mean to me?  I just don't see the connection."  Buffy was trying to understand, but science had never been her strong suit.

"I think the demon feeds on the emotions of the vampire's victims.  Not just the people the vampire kills.  Every time someone is frightened.  Every time someone is angry.  I think that is what keeps the demon alive.  We need blood to survive, but the demon needs the bloodlust.  I suspect that Spike's chip is interfering with the demons ability to completely control William's brain.  And that's why he not only loves you, but those feelings of love are coming to the surface.  I think it scares him just as much as it scares you."

"But he loved Drusilla.  And that was not in the good way."  Buffy's mind was almost there. 

"Yes, but that love involved terror and pain and destruction.  Again, the demon allowing the emotion to surface so that he could be fed."

"I think I understand.  The demon is feeding on the negative energy.  Sort of like the way Rack is feeding off of witch energy.  But the only negative energy Spike is around is the violence when we patrol.  When he's fighting demons.  How can that be satisfying the bloodlust?"  Buffy knew the answer the minute the question was out of her mouth.  That wasn't the only negative energy Spike was exposed to.

"Xander, for one.  I'm sure the demon loves any time that Spike spends around Xander.  I know how much hatred the boy poured onto me.  My demon must have been drowning in it.  And Willow, and Giles.  A little coming from Tara and Anya, although that's probably fear more than anything.  And you?  You're a buffet to his demon.  You're scared of Spike.  You're scared of his feelings for you.  You're scared of having feelings for him.  You're scared your friends are going to find out.  You hate him.  You hate yourself.  You're confused.  You're mad at your friends for bringing you back.  And probably a million other things."

"Spike told me that I belong in the shadows with him.  That I don't belong in the light with my friends.  That I have no place with them anymore," Buffy whispered.

"The demon talking, Buffy.  Either you let the demon pull you into the darkness, or you need to pull the demon into the light.  Spike wants you; he loves you.  You allow him to exist in a small corner of your world.  And that world is shadowed with anger and confusion.  The demon wants to keep you in that shadow as long as he can.  And Spike knows it's the only way he can have you."

"And if I walk away?  What happens if I walk away from Spike?  What happens if I stay?  What happens if I bring him into all of my world?"  These were the real questions Buffy needed answered.  The same questions she had in Sunnydale.

"Truthfully, I don't know.  Buffy, this is all theory.  But I am a vampire.  I have experienced some of it.  I think that if you let William in, if you pull him into the light, you will be helping him in his fight with his demon.  If you love him, if you accept him, both man and monster, you'll be giving him a reason to fight.  And the more reasons he has, the better his chances.  Right now, he has his love for you and Dawn.  You may be able to give him more.  I know that even with my soul, the more people I love and trust, the more power I have against my demon.  No one in the world gives me more power than Connor.  If you walk away, you may be spared.  He never went after Cicely.  But I can't guarantee that.  And if the chip fails, even you won't be able to keep Xander safe."             

Buffy snickered.  No, Xander would be a chipless-Spike's first target.  "I don't know if I love him."

Angel gave the Slayer a hard look.  "Buffy, I think you know exactly how you feel about Spike.  But if you don't love him, then end it now.  Send him away or dust him.  Using him is wrong; you know that.  You told Tara that.  From what you've said, you've been living in limbo ever since you came back.  You need to make a decision.  Everything I've told you has been speculation.  But there are a couple of other things that have been bothering me.  If you did love Spike – not saying that you do – but if you did, how could you be the first Slayer to ever love a demon.  I think you need to tell Giles what's going on.  You need to research the past Slayers.  Something tells me that there is more out there than what the Council wants you to know.  Over 3000 years of written word and there are no accounts of a Slayer's love life?  No, not possible.  Also, I'd check the prophecies.  The Powers That Be have thrown that boy into your lap too many times for it to be a coincidence.  Someone has a plan for the two of you.  I'd be curious to find out what it is."  

"Angel, are giving me your blessing?" Buffy asked with a smile.

"Hell no!  I told you up front, I don't like anything that is happening between you and Spike.  But I can't make decisions for you.  I'll always love you, but I know it's possible to love more than one person in your lifetime."  Buffy knew Angel would only say that if something else was going on.  Cordelia, maybe?  Na, not possible.

"One more thing.  I hate to bring this up."  Angel wasn't sure he should broach the subject.  "Are you sure you were in heaven when you died.  Not that I don't think you deserved to be there.  But when you hear about people being dead and coming back, they are usually filled with a sense of calm.  They are happy to know what the future holds for them.  You aren't.  Also, you never mention seeing Joyce or Kendra.  How could you be in heaven and not see your mother."  Angel looked at Buffy's face.  Oh boy, he had pushed too far.  "Buffy, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you."  

"No, Angel.  It's okay.  You know, I've been so depressed since I came back and so mad at everyone, I never thought about that.  If I was in heaven, where was mom?  Maybe that's something else I need to talk to Giles about."

"You miss him, don't you?"  Angel detected regret in her voice when she had said Giles' name.

"Yeah, I miss him a lot.  We all do.  You know, all of us come from screwed up families.  I think Giles was more of a father to us than just my Watcher.  I know that's how I see him.  I had mom and Giles.  Now both of them are gone."  Buffy shrugged off her sadness.  "Yeah, that's my life.  Remember that normal life you wanted me to have?  I don't think that will ever be possible.  I'm just not a normal girl.  And I'm finally coming to accept that.  It's not all bad.  I'm the Chosen one – twice dead.  I have a witch for a best friend, a Key for a sister, I live on the Hellmouth and maybe, maybe I have a vampire for a boyfriend.  Best friend, sister, boyfriend.  About as normal as I'm going to get." 

"That whole leaving so you could have a normal life looks a little doubtful.  I'm happy that you are coming to terms with your life, Buffy.  I really am.  Hey, in all the rush I never asked you how you got to LA.  Did you learn to drive?"  Angel knew that their conversation was over, at least for tonight. 

"No, I took the bus.  It's really late, or early depending on your point of view.  Can I crash here?  I need to take the bus back tomorrow.  I told Dawn I'd only be gone for one night."  Buffy stood, following Angel out of the office.

"Sure.  We always have a room for you."  Angel motioned for Buffy to follow him upstairs.  "I'll put you as far away from my room as possible.  Connor's crying could wake the dead."  Buffy giggled.  "That's not what I meant, and you know it.  I'm sure that Wes or Gunn would be more than happy to drive you to the bus station in the afternoon."  Angel turned to see Buffy standing a few steps behind him.    

"Angel, thank you.  I really mean it.  Thank you.  I needed you tonight and you were there for me.  I'll never forget that."  Angel nodded.  They continued their way up the stairs in silence.  

------TBC


	2. Talking to Spike

Summary:       Buffy and Spike have a talk.

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Talking to Spike 

Buffy was stalling.  She knew that.  Spike had joined her two cemeteries ago for patrol.  He had tried talking to her, but finally gave up when he got no response.  Now they just walked together in silence.  Buffy didn't want to have this talk.  She knew the minute it was over, she wouldn't be seeing Spike for a long time.  Something deep inside her was angry about that fact, but Buffy knew that's the way it had to be.  

When Buffy called Giles, he had been surprisingly receptive, almost like Angel.  He had listened to all of Angel's theories about the demon and the chip.  He said logically, it did make sense.  Demons used many different guises to control the host they inhabited; mind control being one of them.  He was even supportive of her feelings for Spike.  He said the consequences of Willow's do-my-bidding spell had always nagged at the back of his brain.  He knew there had to be some basis of truth for Buffy and Spike's reaction to the spell.  He just hadn't wanted to think about it.  He told her he was proud of her for wanting to research the lives of the other Slayers before she made a decision.  Although he had never come across the information, in his heart, he knew that he couldn't be the first Watcher in history to have a Slayer with a personal life.  He would start his research the next day.  Anything he found, he would pass on to her.     

And Dawn's reaction was through the roof.  She had thrown herself at her sister, knocking both of them to the floor.  In Dawn's mind, it was a done deal.  She was already thinking of ways to redecorate Buffy's bedroom, including very dark, very large curtains to block out sunlight.  Buffy had to restrain her sister.  She told Dawn she wanted to do the research first.  Just to get a better idea of what they were getting into.  But Dawn had just smiled at her, happier than she had been in months.  Dawn sarcastically told her if she had explained weeks ago what was going on with Spike, she might not have felt so abandoned by Buffy.  She understood how Spike could take up a lot of Buffy's time.  Buffy had just stammered.

She still needed to talk to the Scoobies, but that conversation could wait.  Right now she had to deal with the blond vampire walking beside her.  

"Well, Slayer.  It's been an unproductive night.  I'll just be head back to my crypt."  Spike knew that nothing else was going to happen tonight.  For the past hour, Buffy had been in a world of her own, completely forgetting that he was even there.  Of course, you should be used to that by now, he criticized himself.  He began to walk away.  

Buffy's hand on his arm stopped him.  "Spike wait.  I'm coming with you.  To talk!"  Buffy added quickly when she saw his eyebrow lift in question.  "Just to talk.  I need to tell you something.  It's kinda important."  Only the most important decision you've ever made, she said to herself.

"Alright, Slayer.  Come on then.  I'm getting a bit thirsty."  Neither blond spoke as they entered Spike's crypt.  Buffy took a seat on a sarcophagus as Spike made his way to the small fridge.  He pulled out a packet of blood, throwing it into his microwave.

"Got a beer in there for me?" Buffy asked.

"A beer?  For you?  This must be important if you need a drink."  Spike reached back into the fridge to pull out a bottle for the Slayer.  "Need a glass?" Spike asked as he looked over his shoulder.

"No, bottle's fine."  As Spike handed Buffy her beer, their fingers touched.  Buffy could feel the electricity in that one touch.  Quickly she grabbed the bottle, breaking the connection.  She needed to talk to him, not kiss him.  She had to remind herself of that.

Spike went back to pour the contents of his meal into a wine glass.  Once finished, he walked back over to Buffy, sitting next to her.  Buffy jumped down.  She couldn't sit next to Spike and talk to him at the same time.

"Might skittish, pet?  Afraid the Big Bad's going to attack you?"  Spike chuckled.  What sort of game was she playing tonight?

"More like I'll attack the Big Bad," Buffy mumbled, but Spike's vampire hearing picked up her words loud and clear.  He set his glass down, then lunged for her.  But Buffy skirted away from the attack.  "Spike, I'm serious, please.  I really do need to talk to you.  And it IS Important."

Spike looked up at Buffy from where he had landed on the floor, desire showing in his eyes.  "Well then don't say things like that!  It's the first time you've ever admitted wanting me without us having to spend hours pummeling each other first!"  Spike got up and crossed the room.  He took a seat back on the sarcophagus.  The sudden bulge in his pants making it quite difficult.  "Talk."

"First, I need your promise.  You stay there.  No matter what I say, you stay on your own side of the room."  Buffy was pointing her finger at him as she spoke.  Spike looked at her quizzingly.  She wasn't acting like herself.  But her eyes were pleading with him.  Spike knew he'd do whatever she asked.  "Promise, luv.  I'll stay glued to this seat, even if you come at me with a stake."                 

Buffy paced in front of him for several minutes, drinking her beer as she went.  Spike could tell she was having difficulty trying to decide how to start whatever conversation they were going to have.  He just watched her.  Her game, her rules.  Finally she spoke.

"I had an interesting conversation with Tara the other night.  It seems I didn't come back wrong.  Just a little molecule mix-up the chip doesn't recognize."  Buffy still wasn't looking at him.  She wasn't sure she wanted to see his face.  "So I guess it blows the theory about why we've been, um, you know.  I'm not wrong."

A small part of Spike was disappointed.  He knew he was going to lose something he never really had.  But a larger part was relieved.  In reality, he didn't want anything to be wrong with her.  He thought she was perfect before.  But he knew this little discovery only brought up more questions about what was going on between the two of them.  She seemed to be waiting for him to react.  "Go on, luv.  I'm listening."

"I went to see Angel."  She glanced at Spike for a second.  Yep, rage and jealousy were plain to see on his face.

"And how is Peaches?  Hope you left him with all his soully-parts in tact."  Spike suddenly didn't care to hear the rest of what the Slayer had to say.

"Would you stop being crude!  Angel is fine.  I just needed to talk to him.  Get an opinion about something."  Buffy knew this wasn't going to be easy.  

"Like what, may I ask?"  Spike questioned through clenched teeth.

Buffy was strung tighter than a piano wire.  "About you!  I went to talk to Angel about you."  There, she had said it.  Not so bad once she finally got it out.

"What did you tell him?"  Spike watched Buffy stumble to find the words.  "Oh, great.  Should I expect a full army coming to kill me or just the Grand-sire himself?"  Spike didn't mind fighting Angelus; he just wanted to know the odds.

"No one's going to kill anyone."  Buffy had stopped pacing.  She was standing still in front of him.  Hands on her hips, one still clutching the bottle of beer.  "I needed a vampire's opinion of another vampire.  Since you're the vampire I needed the opinion about, and since he's the only other vampire I know, I went to him.  Now just sit there, shut-up and let me finish!"  Spike did as Buffy asked.  "Yes, I told him what's been going on between the two of us.  And, no, he's not happy about it, but he's not going to dust you over it.  He thinks my personal life is my own business.  My decision.  Who I choose to sleep with is not his concern."

"Wish soddin' everyone else felt that way." Spike added.

"I told you to shut-up.  Stop interrupting me, or this will take all night.  And I'm not done."  This was much easier when Buffy was mad at him.  "Angel told me a lot of things.  He explained some things about you.  You know, I think he likes you.  He won't admit to it, anymore than you will, but he does like you.  And he believes that you love me."  That stunned the blond vamp.  Buffy used the opportunity to tell Spike Angel's demon theory.  Spike didn't interrupt her again.  Once she had started, he found the theory interesting.  Is that what's been happening to me, he wondered.   

"I think Angel has a valid point.  So does Giles."  Buffy walked over to Spike's fridge, getting herself another beer.

"Toss me one too, Slayer."  After all of this, Spike needed a drink.  Buffy pulled another bottle out of the fridge and did toss it to him.  So we are still at my side/your side, he thought.  Must not be done yet.  "Anything else you need to tell me?"

Buffy took a long drink from the bottle.  Okay, things just got tricky again.  "Angel also thinks there's information missing from the Watcher's diaries.  He doesn't understand how I could be the only Slayer to ever have, a, uh, relationship with a vampire.  I brought it up to Giles, and he's going to look for information about it."

Spike wasn't sure where this was leading.  "You told the Watcher too?"    

Buffy nodded.  "If I choose to continue this, with you, I'd like to know where I stand."  It was the closest Buffy had ever come to admitting that there was something between the two of them, not just sex.

"So you need Peaches, your Watcher and a book to tell you it's okay?  This thing between us.  All that makes it right?"  Spike was getting angry again.  Couldn't the girl just admit it?

Well, it was now or never Buffy thought.  "No, I don't need anyone or anything to tell me it's okay to have feelings for you.  But I want to see if it's happened before and what the consequences were.  This isn't just about the two of us.  My decisions concerning you affect a lot of people."

Spike wanted to yell at her.  He could care less about everyone else, all the mattered was her.  And the Nibblet, of course.  But he didn't.  "Did you just say you have feelings for me?"  This was too much to hope for.

Buffy took a deep breath.  "Yes.  That's exactly what I said.  I'm not sure what they are.  I haven't figured that part out yet.  I like you.  I trust you.  You make me laugh.  That's as far as I'm willing to go right now."  

Spike jumped off the sarcophagus.  He just wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go.  But Buffy's voice stopped him.

"Get back up there!  You promised, and I'm not done talking yet."  Buffy yelled at him.  If Spike touched her, they would never finish talking. 

"But, luv."  Spike ran his tongue over his bottom lip.  Buffy could see the want building in his eyes.  

A small whimper escaped from Buffy's throat, but she held her ground.  "I said we aren't done.  Look until I find out more, we're going to stay away from each other.  I've talked to Dawn about this –"

"You told the Nibblet?  Am I the last to know?"  Truthfully Spike didn't care.  He just wanted to touch her!

"Yes, I told Dawn.  I still have to tell Willow and Xander.  I'm going to need their help with the research.  And I'm sick of hiding this from everybody.  But I need time to think.  So you are going to stay away from me, until I make up my mind.  And that's not a point of discussion."  Buffy began pacing again.  "You can hang out with Dawn.  She misses you.  Since I've been back, you haven't been around her much.  Which is my fault.  Dawn can come here to visit.  Maybe you can help her with her homework.  I know she's lonely.  Stuff's not great for her at school.  She needs someone to talk to who isn't her sister.  I'm counting on you to be that person."  Dawn could talk to Spike in a way she couldn't talk to anyone else.  Buffy understood that.  She felt the same way.    

"I understand.  Miss the Nibblet actually.  It'll be good to have her around again."  Spike had to agree.  What else could he do?  Buffy had admitted more than he ever thought possible.  If she needed time, he'd give it to her.  If she wanted him to spend time with the bit, he'd do that too.  

Buffy continued.  "No coming by the house.  No coming along on patrol.  No visits to the Magic Shop.  You are to stay away from me until I decide what I want.  Is that clear?"  It was the Slayer talking now, not Buffy.  Spike just nodded.  "Good.  There are some others things we need to work out, but first –"  Buffy walked over to Spike, wrapping her arms around his neck, losing the battle with herself to stay away from him.  Spike grabbed for her, pulling her off the ground and into his lap.  Crushing her lips with his own.  This is what he wanted, what he needed.  Just to touch her.  To make sure it was real, not some trick his mind was playing on him.  Not some dream.  

Spike was the fist to break the kiss, leaving Buffy gasping for air.  "I thought you said I had to stay away from you?"  

Buffy tilted her head, wanting to get a better view of the vampire.  His eyes reflecting the desire in her own.  "Once more.  Before the quarantine.  Need to remember what I'm thinking about, don't I?"      

Spike laughed.  He would never understand this woman he loved.  "Definitely wouldn't want you to forget."  He picked up Buffy in his arms, carrying her to the ladder that lead down to his bed.  

---TBC


	3. TopsyTurvy

Summary:       Buffy wishes she had a demon to kill, but no, it's just a conversation with Willow and Xander  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Topsy-Turvy 

"Okay, Buffy, why all the secret, covert operation stuff?  What's going on?"  Xander was seated in the Summer's living room.  Willow sat beside him on the couch.  Buffy had invited him over, but she wouldn't say why.  All she said was for him to come alone. 

Buffy paced in front of the coffee table.  Already told Angel, already told Dawn, already told Giles.  Just need to tell them.  These are my friends.  They'll understand.  Just need to slide into this slowly.

Buffy stopped pacing.  Sheer panic took over.  "I slept with Spike."  Buffy collapsed into the chair.  Okay, that wasn't exactly easing into the subject.

Xander began to laugh, really laugh.  Buffy sat up straight in her chair.  "Xander, I'm not joking.  I slept with Spike."  

"Yeah, I know Buffy.  Knew about it weeks ago.  Wondered how long it was going to take you to fess up."  Xander was pissed.  Why did everyone think he was a moron?

"You knew WEEKS ago?  I've been caring around this massive secret, and you knew weeks ago."  Buffy was in shock.  Obviously not as much shock as Willow.  Wills just sat there.  She kept opening her mouth to speak, but no words would come out, so she just shut it again.

"Come on, Buffy.  Anya and I have had our suspicions for a while, but the invisibility day?  I come over to take Dawn to school to find you and Spike all gropey in the kitchen.  I was egging you on to tell me, remember, about the type of woman that would be interested in Spike?  Then later in his crypt.  Do you really think I bought the naked push-ups excuse?  Not to mention the fact that you were playing with his ear.  Spike's ear is moving on its own.  And he's twitching all over the bed.  Sure, you had nothing to do with it.  Does everyone think I'm an idiot?"  Xander turned to Willow for an answer.  Willow was still stuck in fish-face mode.

Buffy thought about the day she was invisible.  And Xander had known.  At least she had the decency to blush.  "You and Anya have discussed it?  And you never said anything to me?  Didn't try an intervention.  Didn't try to tie me to chair until the feeling past."  The shock was wearing off, but Buffy still couldn't believe Xander was the calm one among the three of them.  

"You're going through a lot right now.  We all are.  Anya and I have the wedding.  Willow is cold turkey on the magic.  You have death, resurrection, bills and your sister to deal with.  I didn't think getting in your face with the whole Spike thing was a good idea.  You're the Slayer; you can take care of yourself.  He's got a chip.  As long as I didn't see bite marks, I didn't think it was the time to bring it up."  Xander continued to sit there with his I'm-the-man attitude.  "It's not like you would listen to me anyway.  I spent three years trying to get you away from Angel, and that never worked."        

Buffy bounced out of her chair.  She almost threw herself into Xander's arms, landing a big kiss on his cheek.  "Have I ever told you how lucky I am that you're my friend?"  First Angel, now Xander.  Would Buffy ever learn that things never went the way she thought they were going to go?

Now it was Xander's turn to blush.  "Look, Buffster.  I'm not saying I'm okay with this.  I'm just saying that I knew already.  I still think that you and Spike is a bad idea, a very bad idea.  But were not in high school anymore.  We're grown-ups.  If this is something you intend to pursue, I'm not going to stand in your way.  But I will be the first one to stake him and the first one to say I-told-you-so when it goes south.  Because no matter what, I think it will end badly."  Xander was serious.  He didn't like the idea of Buffy and deadboy jr together.  But no one gave him an attitude about Anya.  He had to respect other people's choices like they respected his.    

Willow took that moment to speak up.  It wasn't a word, more like a garbled sound.  "W, w, w, wh, wh."  She closed her mouth and tried again.  "What the HELL did you say!?"  She finally had found her voice.  Both Buffy and Xander were blown away by the force behind Willow's question.  She continued, this time yelling.  "I'll stake him myself.  What is he thinking?  Taking advantage of you like that.  It's not bad enough we had to listen to all that 'I love you' crap, now he thinks he can worm his way in by sleeping with you when you're vulnerable.  Does he not realize the power of the witch he's pissing off?"  

Buffy reached over Xander, grabbing Willow's arm.  "Excuse me, Sabrina.  Spike isn't taking advantage of me.  Actually, I'm the one who started it."  

"That's what he wants you to think.  He probably performed a spell.  That's it, a spell.  Like the one he wanted me to perform on Drusilla.  When I get a hold of him."  Willow's eyes turned a menacing black.  The lamp on the end table closest to her exploded.  

Now Buffy was worried.  "Willow, calm down.  You're letting your emotions get the best of you.  And I just bought that lamp."  Buffy scrambled away from Xander, kneeling in front of Willow.  Thank God she didn't decide to tell them with Spike here.  There would have been bits of vampire all over the living room.  "Willow, look at me."

Willow refocused her eyes on her best friend, letting the power slip away.  "Buffy, I'm sorry about the lamp, but we can't let this continue.  It's not right."  

Buffy started talking to Willow in a calm, slow voice.  "Willow, there's more going on here than you understand.  And I am taking care of it.  That's why I went to talk to Angel.  I wanted a vampire's opinion about the entire situation.  I'm the Slayer, not some naïve little girl.  We are going to do some research about the past Slayers, see if any of them had relationships with vampires.  I've already talked to Giles about it.  He's going to send us some books.  And I've talked to Spike.  We agreed to stay away from each other until I find out more.  Angel thinks we should look at the prophecies too.  Maybe all of this is happening for a reason."  Buffy wasn't sure how she felt about Spike, but she didn't want Willow to dust him before she could find out.        

Willow concentrated on what Buffy was saying.  Angel and Giles already knew?  Angel hadn't dusted Spike himself?  What was the world coming to?  "That day I changed Amy back.  You were trying to tell me then, weren't you?  When you came into my room?"  

Buffy nodded.  "Yeah.  But Amy threw me.  Rat in the morning, person in the afternoon.  Things were a little crazy."

"And that night.  You weren't out fighting.  You were with him all that night."  Willow was finally calming down.  Murderous intent was gone.  Shock was back in its place.    

"Yes, I was."  Buffy sat back in her chair.  "I'm not going to give you guys details.  I think Xander's seen, or not seen, enough.  But I do want to explain.  Ever since I've been back, Spike has been the only one I could talk to about what's going on with me.  He was the first one I told about being in heaven.  Oh, side note.  Angel thinks we need to investigate that too.  He has his doubt.  The first time I kissed Spike was right after Sweet left.  The second time was in the Bronze.  And both times, I'm the one who started it.  Even our first time together, I started it.  And he was just as surprised as I was, so trust me, I don't think it's a spell."

"Something else I need to tell the two of you."  Buffy knew this was the one that wasn't going to go over well, not even with cool-guy Xander.  "I had Tara investigate the spell you used to bring me back.  Seems my returning changed my molecular structure somehow.  Wills, you'll probably understand it better than I do.  Tara compared it to a sunburn.  But whatever it is, it's just enough of a change that makes me register as not-human with Spike's chip.  So, he can hurt me, but he hasn't.  And I don't think he intends to."

"This is not of the good."  Now Xander WAS worried.  Chip-working Spike worried him.  Non-chip-working Spike scared the hell out of him.    

"Xan, like you said, no bite marks.  And I am a big Slayer now.  I can take care of myself."  Buffy turned back to Willow.  Please Willow, she thought, I like the other lamp too.

"Different molecular structure.  No bite marks.  You started it.  Possible prophesy.  Research.  Got it."  Willow was having a difficult morning.  She thought just getting through her classes was hard.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief.  "You two did better than I expected, well except for the lamp.  I was ready for all out war.  You know, my life's been crazier after the second time I died than it ever was after the first time I died."              

The three friends were silent for several minutes.  "So, " Xander began, "Are we Bronzing it tonight?  I for one could use a frosty beverage."  

"Several, actually."  Willow was adjusting, but beverage never hurt.

"Can't tonight," Buffy said.  "It's Spike's night for the Bronze.  It's one of things we worked out.  He's going to patrol on the nights I work late.  In exchange, he gets the Bronze on Saturday nights and I patrol.  We get it the rest of the week, though.  Next Friday, maybe?"

"Party at my apartment tonight.  You can bring Dawn after patrol."  Xander was not giving up his frosty beverage.

"Buffy, what other things did the two of you work out?"  Willow felt like the people who slowed down to watch a car accident.  She didn't want to know, but she had to know. 

"We made a list.  I have it upstairs.  Hold on, I'll go get it."  Buffy walked out of the room.  No one could say living on the Hellmouth was ever boring.  

-----TBC


	4. Research

Summary:       The Scoobies are on a mission to find out more about the past Slayers.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Research 

"What do we know?"  Buffy asked as she returned from patrol.  She had worked a double shift at Doublemeat, and had gone on patrol straight after.  This was the first time she had seen her friends in 24 hours.  Yesterday, the box they had been waiting for arrived from England.  The Scoobies had started their research.  

Willow turned to look at Buffy as she entered the shop.  "We know a lot more than we did yesterday.  These books that Giles sent are amazing.  There is information in here we've never seen about Slayers.  Where did he say he found them?"  

Buffy took a seat at the research table.  "Giles is just as surprised as you, Wills.  According to him, there's a black market industry totally dedicated to Slayer history and myth.  Once he started looking in the not usual places, he found books everywhere.  Books he'd never even heard of.  Independent accounts of past Slayers.  Information he thinks the Watcher's Council doesn't even have." 

"Boot-leg Slayer.  It's kinda cool.  You have your own underground fan club."  The information they found even held Xander's interest.  "And this stuff is written much better than those boring diaries of Giles.  No offense to the G-man, but he writes just like he talks."

"You guys still haven't told me what you found out.  Dawn, why don't you go first."  Dawn had asked to help with the research and Buffy had allowed it.  Whatever answers they found would influence both their lives.

"Well, the whole lonely Slayer's life theory has been completely blown out of the water.  You aren't the first Slayer to have family and friends help with her duties.  In one rainforest tribe, when a Slayer was chosen, they looked at it like a blessing to the entire village.  Everyone helped her patrol.  And even Angel isn't that unusual.  I've read about 6 other Slayers that had a Watcher AND a demon guide helping them."  Dawn finished with a smile.

"This one book Giles sent is dedicated to the love life of Slayers," Anya cheerfully added.

Xander smirked.  "Gave that one to Anya.  Knew it would be right up her alley."

Anya glared at Xander for a moment.  "According to what I've read, through the years, Slayers have had relationships with all types of creatures.  Demons, vampires, humans, men and women –" looking at Willow, "not to mention some who even had romantic liaisons with their Watchers!"

"Ew, gross.  Let's not go to the visual."  Buffy shuddered.  "But they all ended badly, right?  That's why the Council frowns on the fraternization?" 

Anya continued.  "No.  Some relationships did end badly, but not as many as you would think.  Some Slayers have been killed by their mates, both human and demon.  Look at this one."  Anya pushed the open book into Buffy's hands.  "It was believed that this Russian Slayer, Anastasia, in 1807, was involved in an abusive relationship with her human husband.  He beat her so severely, that he finally killed her."

"A Slayer let a man beat on her?"  Buffy was confused.  Yeah, Spike and her fought all the time, but she gave as good as she got.  Actually, most of the time, he was the one who walked away battered and bruised.

"According to the author, Anastasia came from a conservative family.  And in those times, a wife was considered property.  Her husband could do whatever he wanted to her.  Also, because she was so much stronger than he was, she was afraid to defend herself.  Afraid she would hurt him.  And in past decades woman married at such young ages, that Slayers already had children when they were called.  Other Slayers have killed their mates, again both demon and human."

Xander interrupted.  "I read one story where a Slayer was involved with a vampire that liked to take mistresses.  Whenever she found him with one, she would kill the mistress.  Finally, she became so enraged that she staked him in the middle of sex with one of his women."

"Of course, many just died in battle."  Anya took the book back from Buffy.  "There doesn't seem to be a precise pattern to it."

"So to sum up, Buffy.  We've learned that your chances of having a good relationship with anyone are just as likely as any other woman.  It doesn't seem to matter what type of creature you get involved with."  Willow stated matter-of-factly.  "It's a case-by-case kind of thing."

Buffy looked around the table at her friends.  "Okay, but why all the mystery?  Why didn't Giles know any of this?"

"The last book I was reading was written by an ex-Watcher in 1927.  It's like an exposé on the Watcher's Council."  Willow was getting more excited as she talked.  "According to Alfred Windermere, the council doesn't tell Slayers or Watchers any of this information, because they feel it would make the Slayers less effective.  If the girls thought they had a chance of a future, they wouldn't fight as hard.  They would run away from the insurmountable circumstances that they sometimes face.  They wouldn't resign themselves to the fact that they will die young.  Like they would hide from evil so that they could live.  Keep them ignorant, and they will sacrifice themselves for the greater good." 

Xander shook his head.  "I knew those guys from the Council were scum."

"So it's a cover-up?" Buffy asked.  "Don't tell them the truth, so they perform better.  Make them think they can't have a future, or family, or friends so they will do their job.  And God forbid, don't tell them they can have a relationship.  And dating at the office is strictly a no-no."  Buffy was mad  "No instead, let them think there is something wrong with them if they suddenly develop feelings for a demon.  Let them think they are the first Slayer in history to have a combustible boyfriend.  If I ever see Quentin Travers again, I'm killing him myself."    

Dawn walked over to Buffy's seat.  She knelt down at her sister's side.  "Buffy, what does all this mean to you?  What are you going to do about Spike?"  Dawn was worried about her sister.  Buffy hadn't seen Spike in weeks.  The longer she stayed away from him, the grumpier she got.  Making everyone's life miserable.  Dawn wasn't sure what answers Buffy wanted, but she didn't think this helped.  

"Dawnie, I'm not sure."  Buffy put her hand on her sister's shoulder.  "I was hoping that you guys would give me an emphatic NO.  Slayer, vampire, dating, no.  It would have made the decision so much easier.  I guess I'm in the same place I was yesterday.  It's just my decision.  Do I trust him enough to date him."  

"Let me just say, that I'm still in the no-dead-guys-allowed camp," Xander said.  "I don't care what the other Slayers have done.  I think that it puts your life in danger."  

"But, honey, it's not your decision."  Anya understood Xander's position, but sometimes she wondered if it didn't stem from jealousy.  "Buffy has to make her own choices.  And truthfully, if it effects anyone, I think it only effects her."

"An, I know that.  I'm just trying to be the voice of reason.  That's all.  Like I told Buffy weeks ago, I'm not going to try and stop her.  I'm just letting her know how I feel."  Xander didn't understand why no one else saw that.

"Anyways, Xan, look at the bright side.  If the chip malfunctions, he could kill all of us whether he was with Buffy or not."  Willow smiled happily.

"Wills, somehow I fail to see that as a bright side."  Xander looked meaningfully at Willow.

Since the exploding light display at the house, Willow was becoming more accepting of Buffy's decision.  Buffy wasn't hiding anything from them.  She was keeping them in the loop.  "What I meant was this way we can keep close tabs on him.  He goes all chip-free, Buffy would be the first one to know."

Xander muttered under his breath.  "Yeah, she'd know the second he started to suck all the blood from her body."   

"Xander, that's enough!"  Buffy didn't need this right now.  "I've already explained to you, he could do that now if he wanted to.  The chip doesn't register me since I came back.  And whether I'm with him or not, the next research subject is going to be that chip.  I want to find out everything we can about it.  Spike has already agreed to let Willow do some scientific stuff.  It was even his suggestion we monitor the chip every month, so that we know if the signal starts to weaken."

"Why did he agree to that, Buffy?"  Willow had been wondering.

"Spike will agree to anything he thinks will get him into Buffy's bed."  Dawn added before her sister could answer.

"Dawnie!  I will not have you saying things like that.  And it's not true."  Even though it was close to what Buffy had said to Spike when he volunteered to be Willow's research monkey, she didn't think her sister should be thinking along those lines.  "He wants everyone to feel safe around him, to trust him."

Dawn snorted.  "The Big Bad wants everyone to feel safe?  Tell us another one."

Buffy squirmed in her chair.  Willow jumped to in to save her.  "Whatever the reason, he did agree to it and we are going to take advantage of the opportunity.  So Buffy, what ARE you going to do?"

Buffy took a deep breath.  "Wills, I don't know."

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy

Buffy's eyes fluttered open as she yawned.  A slow Sunday morning – ah, afternoon as she looked at the clock – at the Summer's house.  It seemed so normal, so nice.  But Buffy knew better.  The minute she left her room, the questions would start.  And they would begin and end with one word – Spike.  It wasn't bad enough she couldn't escape him in her dream world, now that everyone knew what had happened between the two of them, she couldn't escape him in her waking world either.  She pushed herself out of bed.  Might as well face the firing squad.  

Buffy was greeted by Willow's smiling face as she walked into the kitchen.  "Not the only one who got a late start today, I see."  Willow was also dressed in her pajamas.

Willow laughed.  "Couldn't seem to pull myself out of bed.  Only reason I'm awake now is because Dawn wanted to tell someone she was leaving.  She said she opened the door to your room, but she didn't want to wake you.  You never seem to get enough sleep anymore.  Are you hungry?  I was thinking pancakes, or we could go out for lunch?"

Buffy was still groggy.  She was slow to catch everything Willow had said.  "Dawn left?  Where did she go?"

"Buffy, it's Sunday afternoon?  Tutoring?  You told her she could have Spike help her with her Shakespeare assignment?  Remember?"  Willow placed a cup of coffee in front of her sleepy friend.

Gratefully, Buffy grabbed the hot mug.  "Tutoring.  Oh, God, I forgot."  Buffy took a sip of coffee, and nearly choked.  "Willow, you don't think she'll tell him about last night do you?  I'm not ready to make a decision yet.  I can't face him right now!"

Willow knew that Buffy was freaked.  "No, Buffy.  She won't say anything.  We talked about it briefly before she left.  She thinks it's up to you to tell him what's going on.  Anyway, the two of them made a pact.  During their time together, you are a non-subject.  No Buffy talk allowed.  Dawn says it makes it easier on both of them."  

"She didn't tell me that."  Buffy brow furrowed.  "And all this time, I thought that Spike was just using Dawn's school work to keep a link between us.  Can we say totally self-involved much?"  

"Okay, same subject, different theme.  What are you going to do about Spike?  Last night you seemed as confused as ever."  Willow was concerned about Buffy.  She knew that she had gone to LA to see Angel.  She didn't know what they had talked about, but it must have been a powerful conversation.  When Buffy had returned, all the Slayer relationship research had started.

Buffy softly beat her head on the kitchen island before answering her best friend.  "ARRRRGGH!  Wills, I don't know what I'm going to do.  Angel told me to do the research, to find out more.  Why I'm not sure.  It's not like it's helped any."

"Buffy, what exactly did you and Angel talk about?"  Willow was curious, too curious for her own good.  "I mean, it's not like it's any of my business.  Whatever was said between you and Angel has nothing to do with me.  I just thought that maybe another perspective could help you figure things out.  Not that I want to influence your decision –"

"Wills, babbling again."  Buffy did need another opinion.  "And I don't mind telling you.  I didn't want to say anything until I found out more about the other Slayers, that's all.  Let's move this discussion into the living room.  And let's skip the pancakes and lunch and go straight for the ice cream."

Willow jumped up from her seat, heading for the freezer.  "Ice cream?  Oh, this is going to be good!"

A few minutes later the best friends were sitting on the couch, both with a pint of their favorite ice cream and big spoon.  

In between bites, Buffy started.  "Here's the scoop.  Angel totally believes that Spike loves me.  No doubt in his mind.  He said that love, like all emotions, isn't found in the soul.  It's found in the human brain.  And he told me that I took enough Biology and Psychology that I should know that.  So rationally, can a vampire have emotions?  Of course."

Willow nodded.  "Makes sense.  I guess we never associated good emotions with a vamp, only bad, kill, kill ones."

"Now, wait.  I didn't say that love was a good emotion.  At least not in most cases."  Now Willow was confused.  Buffy continued.  "I started in the wrong place.  Let me backtrack.  Angel has a theory.  When the soul leaves a human and the vampire demon takes control, whatever is left of the original human being is still in the brain.  That's why vampires remember their human lives.  And since all emotions come from the brain, the demon can't destroy the good ones and leave the bad ones.  But it can suppress the good emotions.  Or warp them.  Angel said that Spike could love, but look at the way he loves.  His passion for Drusilla was anchored in darkness.  It was twisted.  The demon was using Spike's love for her as a way to satisfy its bloodlust.  Am I making any sense?"

Willow swallowed another spoonful of ice cream.  "Yes, and I'm becoming more worried by the minute.  Should I have let Dawn go to his crypt?"

"Dawn's fine, just let me finish.  Believe me, there is way more to this."  Buffy took a deep breath.  "Okay so we have the twisted Drusilla-love-thing.  Now put that on a shelf for the moment.  Everything we've been taught about demons comes down to one sentence – Demons bad.  But Angel has met all different types of demons.  He knows that some demons are good.  So there must be something about this demon, the vampire demon, that sways it to the evil side.  Angel thinks it's the bloodlust, not just the blood.  The fear of the victim, their struggle for life, the guilt they feel before dying, everything.  Angel says that those emotions were more powerful than actually drinking the blood.  He thinks that's what the demon lives off of."

Willow was beginning to understand.  "So the body lives off of the blood.  The demon lives off of the bloodlust?"

"And the more a vampire kills, the more he gets a taste for it.  We know that Angel still has a demon in his body.  He says that his soul gives him an edge fighting it off, but it is still a fight.  And when he's angry, the demon tries to escape, to take over.  That's way he works to keep himself in check.  Angel thinks that Spike's chip has given him an edge over the demon, because he can't hurt humans.  So the demon can't satisfy its bloodlust.  The closest it comes, is when Spike kills other demons, but it's not the same.  The violence is there, but not human emotion."  

"So, Spike DOES love you because of the chip."  Willow was trying, she really was.

"I don't think it's because of the chip, but it helps.  Angel thinks the chip weakens the control the demon has on Spike's human emotions.  Like it dampers the damper.  Are we okay so far?"  Willow nodded.  "Now the real problem is us.  Since the demon can't feed from the kill, he's feeding off all the negative energy we send Spike's way.  Xander's total disgust.  Everyone else's fear.  And me.  A big bull's eye on me.  Spike loves me.  Let's accept that as fact.  But I'm scared.  And I've been hiding what's going on between the two of us, feeling ashamed.  The demon has been using those emotions to draw power.  Fear, guilt, self-loathing.  I'm feeding Spike's demon."

"So if you accept the fact that he loves you, and you love him in return, what happens to the demon?  It can't die.  Angel's demon didn't die."  Willow was back to being confused.

"Angel doesn't know.  He can only go by his experience.  Like I said, even with a soul, Angel continues to fight the demon.  But over the years he's learned that the more people he loves, the more people that love him, the easier the battle becomes.  He said that no matter what, Spike is evil.  We can't ignore that.  But, he thinks that all of us can help him keep his demon in check.  And, if we start helping him now, he might be strong enough to continue to fight the demon if the chip malfunctions.  Angel put it this way.  Either I let the demon pull me into the darkness, or we pull the demon into the light."

"And that's why you wanted to know if other Slayers had relationships with vampires.  You wanted to see if it had been done before."  Willow finally felt like she was on solid ground.

"I wanted to see if Angel's theory had ever been put to the test.  Don't feel like being the lab rat in this experiment.  And from what you guys found out, I guess it has be done."  Buffy's eyes were downcast, looking into the bottom of a now empty ice cream container.

"But you're still not sure, are you?" Willow asked.  "It's not Spike's feelings you're doubting, it's your own."

Buffy was beginning to cry.  "Wills, Angel said this would be a hard road, a constant struggle.  What if I don't love Spike?  What if I love him, but it's not enough?  Maybe Xander is right, what if I'm putting all of us in danger?  I can't take that chance."        

Willow put her arm around her best friend's shoulders.  "Buffy, I think I can help, a little.  We did all the research, but you should read some of those books.  There are some first hand accounts, written by the Slayers.  You might find a connection there that will help you understand your own feelings.  Or at least find someone whose point of view you can relate to."

Buffy gave Willow a weak smile.  "Willow that's a great idea.  I didn't even think of that.  Reading about a Slayer going through the same thing I am would help.  No wonder you're my best friend.  Dawn will be at Spike's for another couple of hours.  Let's get dressed and go to the shop.  You can show me the books you were talking about."    

Buffy was almost out of the room when Willow's last question stopped her.  "Buffy, do you miss him?"

Buffy stopped.  She couldn't turn.  If she looked at Willow, the tears would start again.  She'd been honest with Willow throughout the discussion.  Why stop now?  "Wills, I miss him so much, I ache.  I'm confused and scared and all I want to do is curl up in his lap and cry.  I want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.  Or fight with me until I feel like myself again.  But I can't do that right now.  Because the next time I grab on to him for support, if there is a next time, I won't be able to let go."  

Willow watched her best friend disappear up the stairs.  Poor Buffy, she thought.  She might not admit it to herself, but she had just admitted it to Willow.  Buffy was in love with Spike.

---TBC  


	5. The First

Summary:       Buffy is given a glimpse into the true nature of a Slayer.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

The First 

Over the next couple of weeks, Buffy fell into a routine.  She would wake up in the morning, helping Dawn get ready for school, then she would read until it was time to go to work.  After work, she would patrol, then come home and read until she fell asleep.  On the nights that Spike patrolled for her, she would just come home and continue reading.  Buffy had done more research in the past weeks than the total amount of homework she had done in four years of high school.  And she still didn't have an answer.

Willow had been right about the books, though.  Buffy felt a kinship with the past Slayers.  Not just the fighting, but also the living.  How to balance what you were chosen to do with who you were as a person, wasn't easy.  Add relationships, friendships and family, it became almost impossible.  But each one of the women had tried.  

In the Magic Box, Anya had said there wasn't a pattern to the stories, but Buffy found one.  The Slayers who were involved in good relationships, with man or monster, Slayers who had support from others, lived longer than usual.  Buffy understood that.  Fighting demons was her work, but when someone she cared about was in danger, or when the impending doom was an apocalypse that could end the lives of everyone she knew, Buffy doubled her efforts.  She fought past the point of endurance and logic to save those she loved.  So had these women.  

Their stories were filled with emotion.  Passion and love, anger and betrayal.  It was all there.  In between the pages of these books that the Council didn't want her to see.  The more she read, the angrier she became.  These women weren't just the arm of justice for the Watcher's Council; they were flesh and blood beings with feelings.  Like her, they struggled to find a place for themselves in the world, apart from the evil they battled.  For the first time since being called, Buffy felt like she wasn't alone.  She knew that there were others who understood her, even if they were dead.  

Something else in the books caught Buffy's attention.  At first, she hadn't noticed it.  But after reading several different manuscripts, she started going back over what she had read, making notes.  Trying to find the connection that was nagging at her brain.  Then it hit her.  Not all the stories ended with the death of the Slayer.  Some just stopped in the middle of their lives, around the time they turned 25.  Buffy wasn't sure if that meant something, but it was a strange coincidence, one she was going to discuss with Giles.

Buffy hadn't always wanted to know more about her gift.  She smiled as she thought of the term – gift.  At first to her being the Chosen One was a job, a cross she was meant to bear, but over the years she began to understand that her power was a true gift.  It gave her a special purpose in life that she shared with these other women.  Before the last days with Glory, Buffy had talked to Giles about researching the other Slayer.  That she wanted to learn more about herself.  But the hellgod and Buffy's own death had stopped that.  Maybe now was her time to find the answers she needed.  Maybe now was the time to go back to the desert, to talk to the First Slayer. 

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"Giles, I've made a list of the particular stories I'm talking about.  I'll ask Willow to email it to you.  I think there's a pattern, but I'm not sure what it means."  Buffy had called Giles to discuss what she had found in the books.

Giles was intrigued by her findings.  "I can't say that I remember seeing a connection, but then again, I wasn't looking for the information.  Yes, have Willow send me the list.  I'll reread the text, look for clues.  I have several other volumes here that may be of some help.  What exactly have you found?"

Even over the phone, Buffy could hear Giles reaching for a pen and paper.  "I'm not sure.  Most of the stories end in death, and then the calling of a new Slayer.  But some just end.  I mean, turn the last page, the Slayer is still alive.  Then the next story beings."

"It may not be a pattern.  Buffy, remember when we were looking for tales concerning the death of Slayers?  I told you then that information was scarce.  Seeing your Slayer die in battle can be a breaking point.  I know.  Chronicling the specifics of a Slayer's death can be too painful."  For a moment, Giles was back in time, staring at Buffy's broken, lifeless body after she fell through the portal.    

Buffy heard the grief in Giles voice.  She could only imagine the pain he was remembering.  "I know, Giles.  I understand.  But I think this is different.  These Slayers were all about the same age when the stories end.  I don't think that is a coincidence.  Maybe it means something."

Giles knew that Buffy had her own theory.  There was something in her voice.  "Buffy, what do YOU think it means?"

Buffy had been thinking about it for a few days, ever since she recognized the pattern.  "Maybe if you reach a certain age, you get to retire."  It was the only explanation that Buffy had come up with.  She knew it was a long shot, but somewhere deep inside her, it filled her with hope.    

Giles was surprised by her answer.  "I have never heard of a Slayer, um, retiring."  He knew Buffy needed a light at the end of this dark tunnel, but he didn't want her seeing coincidences that weren't there, and reading more into them than was possible.

Buffy sighed.  "And before this, we never heard of a Slayer with a family or friends.  Before Kendra, we never heard of two Slayers being alive at the same time.  Giles, I know it's a long shot, I'm just saying it could be a possibility.  All I'm doing is asking you to look into it." 

Giles relented.  He just hoped she was being realistic.  "Of course I will study what you've found.  I just don't want you to be disappointed if nothing comes from it.  I worry about you, you know." 

Buffy smiled.  "I know, Giles.  And thank you.  If I'm wrong, no big loss.  Never really counted on having a future anyway.  Just look at the stories, okay?"  The Watcher agreed.  "Now, there's something else I wanted to talk to you about.  I'd like to go back into the desert and speak with the First Slayer.  Do you think I can do that on my own?"

Giles thought for a moment before replying.  For the girl who had to be forced to study a few short years ago, she was becoming quite the willing explorer of knowledge.  "Well, when we went, I had to temporarily give up guardianship of you so that the guide could take you to the sacred place.  Since I'm not there, technically you don't have a Watcher.  You may be able to perform the ritual yourself.  I can tell you what you need to know, but I'm not sure it will work.  May I ask why?"

Buffy was reluctant to explain it to Giles.  She wasn't even sure why she wanted to go herself.  "I've been reading all these stories, making a connection with the women in them.  I want to ask the First Slayer about them.  About the others.  I'm not sure I'll get any answers, but she did help me the first time, even though I didn't know it.  Maybe she can help me now."

Giles voice was full of concern.  "Buffy, I don't think the First Slayer will answer your questions concerning Spike.  That is something you need to do on your own."  A part of Giles thought that this sudden fascination with the past Slayers was Buffy's way of avoiding the real questions in her life.  

"This isn't about Spike!"  Buffy caved.  "Okay, it started out being about Spike, but now it's more about me.  My Slayer research was interrupted.  I want to learn more about who I am.  About the power I possess.  What I'm capable of doing.  I think that she may be able to help."  Buffy next statement was a confession.  "Giles, I still don't feel right inside.  Tara explained about the molecule sunburn, but I think there's more.  Maybe something that we can't detect.  Maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with the spell Willow used to bring me back.  All I know is that I'm not me.  At least, I'm don't feel like I'm all of me.  I feel like I lost something.  Can you understand?"

Giles wasn't sure he understood at all, but he believed her.  "Buffy, who you are makes you more aware of yourself than most people.  Your body is your instrument.  If you think something is out of balance, then I'm inclined to agree.  But I'm not convinced a pilgrimage to the sacred place will help in determining the problem."

"I need to start somewhere.  Tara and Willow have done all the tests they can think of.  I'm not sure what else to do.  If I can find the guide, and if he can lead me to the First Slayer, maybe I can find a new place to start looking."  Buffy wasn't one for spirituality, but something was telling her she would find the answers that she needed in the desert.  "If nothing else, I'll have a nice little vacation."  

"If you are set in doing this, take Tara with you.  She may be the best suited to help you."  Giles knew that once Buffy set her mind to something, there was no talking her out of it.  All he could do was help her find what she was looking for.  "There should still be a map in the Magic Box, if Anya hasn't thrown it away.  And the book with the ritual is also there.  Remember to take the camping gear, you never know how long you'll be out there.  Oh, I almost forgot…"  

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Buffy had been walking for hours.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, she thought.  Tara and Buffy had followed Giles map, driving to the same mound of dirt as last time.  At least Buffy thought it looked like the same mound of dirt.  Tara had performed the ritual to release guardianship of Buffy to the guide.  Neither was sure it would work, but it couldn't hurt.  Then Buffy had begun her aimless wandering.  The sun had set, leaving the desert cold.  Buffy was freezing in her light fall jacket, and her feet hurt.  She would have given up ages ago, but she wasn't even sure how to get back to the car.  Finding her bleached bones had been a big joke between her and Giles last time.  It didn't seem so funny now.   

Buffy was so lost in her own thoughts, that at first she didn't notice the fire in the distance.  It was calling to her like a beacon.  Guess I didn't need the guide, she thought.  Once she reached the fire, Buffy sat down on the fallen tree branch opposite the blaze, finding comfort in its warmth.  She wasn't sure when the image of the First Slayer appeared.   

_We have been waiting for you, child.  You should have left this plane long ago.  _

Buffy watched the ancient warrior through the flames.  "I know.  Death is my gift and all."  Buffy shifted uncomfortably.  "I was sort of brought back.  But the people that brought me back, I think they missed something."

_We are shattered.  The whole is broken.      _

"Yeah, okay."  Buffy hated the cryptic talk.  She wanted answers, not mumbo-jumbo.  "I need your help.  I think a part of me is missing.  You told me I was full of love, but I don't feel that way anymore."

_A part of us is lost.  We are weakened by its absence._

Buffy was frustrated.  She was here to talk about her problems.  Maybe she should have listened to Giles.  "We?  Who is we?"  

We are The Slayer.  We are the Chosen One.

Buffy stood up, taking a step closer to the fire.  "I know that you are the First Slayer; that's why I'm here.  Can you help me?  Help me to understand what's wrong with me?"    

Suddenly, Buffy was no longer standing in front of the fire; she was standing in the middle of it.  She was engulfed by its flames, but she didn't feel the heat.  She remembered the words she had sung months ago – 'This isn't real/my skin should crack and peel/I want the fire back'.  All around her was a sense of calm.  A peace she hadn't felt since being dead.  Fire.  There was something about the fire.  Something she needed to remember.  

Time seemed to stop for her.  She watched as the image of the First Slayer faded.  Buffy began to panic.  She didn't want to be left alone again.  She didn't want to be dead.  But in a heartbeat, she realized she wasn't alone.  Images appeared before her.  Images of thousands of different women.  They were moving so quickly in front of her eyes, they should have been a blur, but Buffy's mind captured each distinctly.  She felt herself connect with each woman.  The word 'sister' formed on Buffy's lips, then was lost in a gasp as she recognized the faces of Kendra, Faith, and herself in the whirlwind before her.  As quickly as it had begun, the kaleidoscope of faces stopped.  

Buffy stumbled backwards, leaning on the fallen tree branch for support.  She felt like her brain was going to explode from information overload.  The sudden loss of the calm and peace left her breathless.  Buffy inhaled deeply, trying to steady her racing heart.  But she was smiling, almost laughing.  Why hadn't she seen it before?  God, the answer was so clear.  Buffy raised her eyes, once again looking through the flames at the warrior.  Awe apparent on her face, her voice only a whisper.  "You are all of us.  We are all the First Slayer."    

There is strength in our number.  The blood that courses through you is the legacy of our power.  We are the Chosen One.   

This was not what Buffy had expected, but it all made sense now.  Just reading the stories of past Slayers, Buffy had felt a connection with them.  She had understood them, understood their lives.  She had felt for the first time she wasn't alone.  Now she knew that she had never really been alone.  She had known the feelings of those women, because she shared some part of herself with them.  They were her sisters.

The Powers have heard our plea to be complete.  A guide will be sent to you.  You, Slayer, control our destiny.               

And with that, the First Slayer was gone. 

---TBC


	6. Elizabeth

Summary:       Buffy tells the Scoobies about the First Slayer.  Spike gets a visit from an unlikely person.

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Elizabeth 

Buffy wasn't sure how she made it back to the car.  She didn't remember the ride home, or if she had said a word to Tara the entire way.  Her first conscious thought was walking into her living room.  Willow and Dawn had been watching television, but stood up to greet her.  Buffy walked to Dawn, wrapping her arms around her little sister, still not talking.

Willow looked across the room at Tara.  Tara raised her hands in front of her, shrugged her shoulders, and shook her head.  She wasn't sure what had happened to Buffy.  She didn't know what to tell her estranged girlfriend.  Buffy continued to ignore the two witches, focusing all her attention on Dawn.  When she pulled back from the hug, there were tears in Buffy's eyes.  "Dawnie, everything's going to be okay.  They're sending someone to help us.  I'm going to be whole again."

Dawn looked at her sister.  Through the tears, she could see relief and a happiness she hadn't seen since before mom died.  "What are you talking about, Buffy.  Who's sending someone?"  

Buffy kept her one arm around her sister's shoulder as she turned to look at Tara and Willow.  "I think we need to call a Scooby meeting.  I have so much to tell you all."

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  

The next day, the Scoobies sat around the table at the Magic Box after closing.  Buffy hadn't told anyone about her visit to the First Slayer, but like Dawn, Willow saw something in her best friend she hadn't seen in a long time.  She was anxious to learn about the pilgrimage.

"We're all here, Buff, so start with the talking."  Xander was hoping this didn't last long and didn't involve research.  He and Anya had a million details to go over about the wedding.  

Buffy looked at him from across the table.  "I can't yet.  We're still waiting for –"  

The door to the Magic Box opened as Spike walked in.  Buffy smiled when she saw him.  She had asked Dawn to stop by his crypt after school to invite him to the meeting.  He nodded to the Slayer as he crossed the room.  He hopped up on the counter, not wanting to sit with the rest of the group.  In Spike's mind, until Buffy decided where he belonged in her life, he wasn't one of them.    

Buffy bit her bottom lip as she watched him.  Her eyes traveled slowly up his body.  God, she missed him!  "I guess we can start now."  Buffy took a deep breath before beginning her tale.  "We all know why I wanted to learn more about the other Slayers, about their lives.  To help me make a decision about mine."  Buffy turned her attention away from Spike.  "But I also found that I have a connection with them.  And the more I read about them, the strong the connection feels.  The First Slayer made me see why.  She showed me all the past Slayers.  I could see their faces, feel their hearts.  And one word echoed in my brain – sister.  The First Slayer said 'We are The Slayer.  We are the Chosen One.'  I think all Slayers are part of the First Slayer."

"Like you're all connected to each other?"  Dawn asked.

"Yeah.  She said there was strength in our number.  I guess all of us, past and present, make up the whole."  Buffy wanted to make sure they understood that part before she moved on to the next.

"It makes sense.  Your Slayer power comes from one source.  All of you share that source.  All of you have that in common."  To Willow, this wasn't knew information.  She hadn't thought about it before, but it seemed a given to her.

Xander piped up.  "Sisters.  Like a sorority."  The other Scoobies stared at him.  "Come on.  All girl club, no boys allowed.  Sharing secrets and mondo-power.  Probably have a secret handshake too." 

Buffy laughed.  "Not sure about the handshake, Xan, but we do have Slayer visions.  And the no-boys-allowed rule, strictly adhered to."  Buffy wavered.  "Maybe it doesn't seem like a big thing to you guys, but I always felt like I was alone in this."  Buffy's eyes shot up.  "Not that I don't need you guys!  We are the Scooby gang, defenders of the Hellmouth.  But the whole Slayer thing.  I never felt like anyone else could understand what I was going through.  With Kendra, it was a little better, but both of us were still low on the learning curve.  And when Faith was around, we came at it from different angles.  She was all power and darkness.  I was all defender of the weak and righteousness.  If things had been different, we could have learned from each other.  I think we both saw parts of what a Slayer is, but not the whole."

"But, Buffy, y-you knew there had been other Slayers."  Tara had felt like an outsider all her life.  She never thought Buffy had felt the same way. 

Buffy smiled at Tara.  She was really getting to know her.  She was glad that they were friends.  "I knew they existed, but I didn't know about them.  The Council made sure of that.  I thought they were slaying machines.  All work, no play.  That I was different, because I struggle to find a balance, and sometimes I fail.  Because sometimes I let my emotions make my decisions.  But now I know them.  And I belong.  It's the best feeling in the entire world."  

Dawn grasped her sister's hand.  "After the fight with Glory at the hospital.  When you told me that we were sisters, real sisters.  That we shared the same blood, Summers' blood.  I felt like I belonged."  Buffy placed her hand on Dawn's cheek.  She understood.

Tara was the next to speak.  "And when my dad c-came for me.  What you said about me being a part of this family.  Everyone s-sticking up for me.  I felt like I belonged."

Anya had been silent through the conversation.  Unfinished wedding plans running through her head, but now she had something to say.  "Being an ex-vengeance demon stuck in a human body doesn't make life easy.  But the first time Xander told me he loved me, I felt like I belonged."  Xander leaned over to give Anya a kiss.

Willow spoke for both the original Scoobies.  "Xander and I were nerds in school.  We were together, but separate from everyone else.  Being your friend, helping you.  We felt like we belonged."  Willow looked over at Xander, who nodded his approval.      

Clapping interrupted the special moment between the friends.  Everyone turned to look in Spike's direction.  "Lovely sentiment, kiddies."  Spike jumped down from the counter.  "Slayer, are we done here?  I have other things to do, ya know.  Don't fancy wastin' my time with the mutual admiration society."

Buffy tilted her head as she looked at the vampire.  This is what Angel was talking about, she thought.  Spike had never had this sense of belonging.  Could she give it to him?  Buffy let go of her sister's hand.  "Actually, there is something else.  Could you stay, please?" 

Spike leaned back on the counter.  He couldn't remember a time when Buffy had asked him stay.  She normally ordered him around.  "Make it quick, pet."  

Buffy wiped the tears from her eyes.  "Back to business."  Buffy cleared her throat.  "You all know about the change in me since I've been back.  The fact Spike can hit me now without triggering his chip.  What I haven't told you is that I still feel like a part of me is missing.  That's the real reason I wanted to go to the desert.  The First Slayer said a part was lost.  That the whole was broken.  She knew something was wrong.  She said the Powers That Be were sending a guide to help me find the missing part.  She also said I was her, their, our destiny."

Out of the corner of her eye, Buffy saw Spike nod in approval.  He had told her she came back wrong.  It wasn't just the chip, somehow he had known.  Before she could ever admit it to herself, he had known.  But then, he knew her better than anyone else did.  Buffy fought the urge to go to him.  She needed his support right now.  She had a feeling things were going to get worse before they got better.

Xander let out of low whistle.  "The Powers That Be?  We've never dealt with them before.  This must be real important if they're taking a part in it."  

Buffy agreed.  "That's my guess.  All of Willow and Tara's tests, the research about the spell.  Whatever is missing isn't something we could have found on our own."

"Did she give you a clue, Buffy?"  The more time that past, the more they found out about the spell, the more Willow blamed herself.  She couldn't do anything right.

"Nothing.  You know how cryptic she is.  All she said was the whole was broken.  I'm not sure who the guide is going to be, or what will happen when it gets here.  I just wanted to warn everyone that someone, or something, is coming to help."                  

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Spike was the first to leave the Magic Box, saying he was going on patrol.  He needed to think, something he couldn't do around Buffy.  It was the first time he had been in a room with her in weeks.  It took all his energy to listen to the Scoobies' conversation.  His mind had been filled with images of Buffy naked in his arms.  Her scent, vanilla and musk, swirling around him.  He needed to put space between them before he did something stupid.  

So she did come back wrong.  It explained so much to him.  The way she was disconnected from her friends, from Dawn, from the world around her.  The reason she was drawn to him.  Like looking for like.  He was dreading the arrival of the guide.  As soon as she was whole again, he didn't stand a chance.  She would never be with him.  

Of course, it wasn't like she was with him now.  Spike was getting used to not having Buffy in his life.  The reality of her was replaced with dreams of her, but he had lived on dreams for almost two years.  If he thought about it long enough, he could convince himself that all the time they spent together was a dream.  He could live in that dream world until the end of days.  

Spike swept through three of the more active cemeteries on his way back to his crypt.  He had dusted five vampires, making it a profitable night.    He was still thinking of his Slayer as he walked into his home.  So wrapped up in his own thoughts, he didn't realize he wasn't alone.  The hand on his shoulder startled him.  He swung around to meet his opponent.

Buffy smiled at the vampire in battle mode.  "Just me, Spike.  I needed to talk to you alone.  Away from the others."  Buffy took a step towards him.  He took a few cautious steps back.  

Spike looked at the Slayer, cocking his head, arching his eyebrow.  Something was wrong.  She hadn't been wearing that outfit when he saw her two hours ago.  He hadn't seen her in a short skirt since…  "Slayer, what happened to your hair?"  

Buffy's hand touched the end of the stresses hanging past her shoulders.  "Oh, the hair.  Yeah, I guess it is a little different, isn't it."  Gone was the short, uneven bob Spike had grown accustomed to.  Back in its place was the long liquid sun.   

Spike circled around the Slayer, examining her as he went.  If he didn't know better…  "Who are you?"  

A flutter of confusion registered in her hazel eyes, but was replaced by joy.  A smile spread across her face.  "How did you know?  They didn't think anyone would know."  

Spike kept one eye on the girl as he made his way over to his weapons.  "I asked you a question, pet.  Who the hell are you?  You're not my Slayer."  He hand was almost touching the hilt of his knife. 

The girl walked over to Spike's chair, flopping down into it like she had a hundred times before.  She strained her head backwards to look at the vampire.  "No, I'm not your Slayer.  But I am Buffy.  See Spike, I'm part of what's missing."

The knife hit the ground with a loud clatter.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Three hours and a bottle of whiskey later, Spike was still staring at the girl sitting in front of him.  He had decided to call her Elizabeth.  He wasn't sure why he had chosen the name, but calling her Buffy was too confusing.  "So, you're the guide the Powers That Be sent?  You're the one who's going to find the missing parts." 

Elizabeth shook her head at the slightly drunk vampire in front of her.  "I told you.  I AM one of the missing parts.  I'm the part that was lost in limbo.  Spike, you really need to pay attention.  I'll need you to help me explain this to us."

Spike paced around the room, running his hand through his blond hair.  "The Slayer isn't going to like this.  She isn't going to like this at all."     

Elizabeth sighed.  "No, we aren't going to like this.  We aren't going to believe it.  And we probably aren't going to like me either.  That's why I need your help.  We will believe you."

"Would you stop saying that!"  Spike growled at the shocked girl.  "Stop with the 'we'.  You are you, Buffy is Buffy.  You're making this more confusing than it is."  Actually, Spike understood what had happened.  It made sense to him, but then again, he was dead and shared his body with a demon.

"Yes, Buffy is Buffy, but I'm Buffy too.  I'm sorry if I'm making this more difficult, but that's how I think.  We are we.  Parts of the whole."  Elizabeth was just as frustrated as Spike.  "I came to you first because I know you can help make us, ah, her understand what's going on.  And the other part, of course."  Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably in her seat.  "You will help us, won't you?"

Spike knelt down in front of Elizabeth.  She was scared.  And she needed him.  He took both her hands in his own.  "Of course I'll help.  I love her, remember?  All of her.  We'll come up with a way to make her understand.  I promise.  And I'll do whatever it takes to make her whole again."  Even if it kills me again, he added silently.  "But right now, I think we need to get some sleep.  Take the bed down below.  I'll stretch out on the couch up here.  We'll talk some more in the morning."

Elizabeth leaned over, placing a chaste kiss on Spike's lips.  It was the same kiss she had given him after Glory's torture.  "Thank you.  We'll never forget this."  Spike helped Elizabeth to stand.  She reluctantly let go of his hand as she walked to the ladder that led down to the lower portion of the crypt.  She smiled at him once more before beginning her descent.  

Spike's strained voice stopped her.  "Elizabeth, don't tell the Slayer you stayed her tonight.  She'll never believe I didn't try something on you.  We're going to be in enough trouble as it is."  Spike heard the girl giggle as her head disappeared.  

A giggle, he thought, an honest to God Buffy giggle.  He hadn't heard on of those in a long time.  It was innocent and young.  Spike sat down on the couch.  Yes, that was something that was missing from her.  A sense of innocence.  He thought she had lost it when she killed Angelus, but maybe it was just buried deep within her.  Now it was truly lost to her, or had been until Elizabeth showed up.  Spike took another drink, wondering how many more sides of the missing Slayer he would see before this was over.  

---TBC         


	7. Mirror Image

Summary:       Buffy meets Elizabeth and founds out exactly what happened when she died.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Mirror Image 

"He wants to call another meeting?  But we just talked about this last night."  Dawn had come home early from her after school tutoring session with Spike, telling Buffy he needed to talk to all the Scoobies again.  "And he didn't have anything constructive to say then."

Dawn finished drinking her juice.  "All I know is what he told me.  He said he needed to see everyone.  He had some new information that might help.  He almost pounced on me when I walked in.  Then cancelled our tutoring session.  He was acting really weird.  Maybe you should go talk to him!"  The last thought brightened Dawn's outlook.  She was sick and tired of playing go-between for the two of them.  If they wanted to talk, they should just talk.

Buffy vigorously shook her head.  "No way, Dawnie.  I am not going to his crypt."  Last night, Buffy had only allowed herself a few glances at Spike, but each time she saw the hunger in his eyes.  Being together with the other Scoobies had helped her willpower.  Alone with him?  She'd jump him in a heartbeat.  "If he wants another Scooby meeting, he'll get one.  What time?"

Dawn shoulders fell.  "Around 8 o'clock.  He said he might be a little late, but to wait for him.  He said it was big news."    

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Buffy looked at her watch.  It was 8:15 and still no Spike.  Why call a meeting if you weren't going to show up?  Buffy stood up from the research table to walk around the store.  She was not in the mood for this.

Just as Buffy was going to tell the others to go home, Spike walked in the door.  But he wasn't alone.  A small figure stood behind him, wrapped in a cloak.  Buffy couldn't see who or what it was.  "It's about time you showed up.  And who's your friend?" 

Spike didn't waste time with the niceties.  He figured that shock could work to their advantage.  His voice was commanding as he spoke.  "Slayer, take a seat with the rest of them."  When Buffy didn't move, Spike continued.  "NOW!" 

Buffy didn't like to be talked to in that tone of voice, especially from Spike, but she did as she was told.  Dawn had said he was acting weird.  "Okay, Mr Bossy.  I'm in a seat.  What's the big emergency?  And who is that?"  Buffy asked again, pointing to the cloaked figure.

Spike kept his eyes on Buffy.  God, I hope she doesn't faint.  "Last night there was someone waiting for me when I got back to my crypt.  She says she's the guide the Powers sent.  I thought you'd want to meet her."  

Buffy's eyes widened with surprise.  "My guide, here already?  Why did they send her to you?"  Buffy was starting to stand again.

Spike yelled at her.  "Sit down!"  He moved so that he was standing in front of the figure.  Almost protecting her, Buffy thought.  "Slayer, trust me.  You don't want your legs giving way."  

Spike whispered to the girl behind him.  Pushing the hood off her head, she peaked around his shoulder.  "Hi, guys."  Elizabeth quickly moved her head back behind Spike's back.  Why did he insist on doing this in front of everyone?

Buffy placed her hands on the table, leaning forward.  "Spike…"  There was a threat in her words.  She didn't just see what she thought she saw.  

"Calm down, Slayer.  Think about how you would act.  Then you'll understand."  Spike looked at the rest of the Scoobies.  Mouths were hanging open all around the table.  At least they were silent.  "Elizabeth, stop hiding back there.  She isn't going to hurt you.  You should know that better than anyone."  

Elizabeth took a deep breath before she moved from behind Spike.  No, Buffy wasn't going to hurt her.  Even if she tried, Elizabeth could take care of herself.  A fleeting thought passed through her brain.  Wonder what it would be like to fight herself.  "Hi, Buffy.  I'm Elizabeth.  At least, that's what Spike calls me.  I'm part of what's missing."  

Spike had been right again, Buffy thought.  She was glad she was sitting down.  She didn't think her legs would hold her.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

After the shock wore off, the questioned had started, mostly from the Scoobies.  Buffy had just looked at her mirror image.  Once her legs had stopped quaking, even Spike's threatening tone couldn't keep her sitting down.  She walked around Elizabeth, examining her in the same way Spike had the night before.  Spike kept himself placed between the two Slayers.  He knew Buffy couldn't hurt the girl, he and Elizabeth had done a little training earlier, but he wasn't taking any chances.  There was that innocence about her.  Something inside Spike wanted to protect it.  "Slayer, would you stop circling her like a fledgling hunting his first kill!  She's not here to cause trouble.  She's here to help."

Elizabeth placed a small hand on Spike's shoulder.  The room was in total chaos.  It was exactly what she had expected, but it wasn't helping.  "Maybe I should tell them why I'm here."

Buffy's eyes had followed Elizabeth's hand.  Now, she directed her attention towards Spike.  The bastard!  "She was in your crypt last night?  All night?"  Buffy took a menacing step towards the vampire.

Spike suppressed a groan.  He knew he was going to get in trouble for that.  Spike's cocky nature took over.  He lifted an eyebrow in Buffy's direction.  "Jealous, pet?"

Both Slayers answered in unison.  "I am NOT jealous!"  The girls stopped to stare at each other.  A second later, they were laughing, the tension between them immediately gone.  When the laughter ended, Spike watched as Buffy extended her hand to Elizabeth.  "Sister."

Elizabeth took the hand in her own as she answered.  "Sister."  Understanding and recognition passed between the two of them.  Parts of the whole.  Buffy was the first to break the contact.  "Maybe you should tell us why you're here."

Elizabeth nodded.  She looked over at Spike before whispering to Buffy, "Nothing happened.  Swear.  He's a little too freaked out to try anything right now."  

Buffy also looked over at the worried vampire.  "I can believe that.  But you're coming home with me tonight.  I trust him with my life.  But I'm not so sure about my, uh, our body."  Elizabeth snorted.  She understood completely.

Unlike the rest of the room, Spike had heard the Slayers' quiet conversation.  Two Buffy's.  Two Buffy bodies.  The possibilities were mind-boggling.  The groan he suppressed earlier slipped out.  Both girls gave him a knowing look.  Spike shuffled his feet.  "If the two of you are finished talking about me, we have business to discuss."

Buffy looked around the room.  It was in chaos.  "I think everyone should sit back down.  Then Elizabeth can explain why she's here."  Buffy looked at the girl again.  Calling both of them Buffy would be confusing.  And Elizabeth was her given name.  Spike had chosen well.

Spike spoke to Anya before she could sit down.  "Demon-girl, fetch me five glasses, one filled with water."  Spike and Elizabeth had come up with a little demonstration he hoped would help the rest of the group understand what had happened to Buffy.

Anya put her hands on her hips as she answered.  "My name is Anya.  If you want water, go 'fetch' it yourself.  You know where the glasses are.  Buffy, your boyfriend is such a pig."  

Spike grumbled to himself as he gathered the glasses and the water.  Xander's eyes were moving between the two women.  He leaned over to whisper to Willow.  "Is this what it was like when Toth split me in two?  It's so weird."

Willow was also looking between the two Slayers.  "It was weirder with you.  You were identical.  At least with Buffy, one has long hair, the other short.  Not as hard to tell them apart."     

Spike walked back to the table, placing the glasses in front of Elizabeth.  He stood next to her.  "We're ready to begin now, pet."  Spike watched as Buffy's eyes flickered up to him.  Not jealous my foot.

Elizabeth looked at the group sitting around her.  "The Powers told me what happened before they sent me here.  I wasn't aware of any of it, just like Buffy.  So I'm not sure if I'll be able to answer all your questions."  Buffy covered Elizabeth's hand with her own, giving it a light squeeze.  Strength.  "According to the plans of Fate, we weren't supposed to die.  The monks made a mistake when they sent Dawn to us in human form."  Elizabeth quickly looked over at her younger sister.  "And we're glad they did, Dawnie.  We wouldn't trade you for anything in this world.  We love you."

Buffy also looked at her sister.  Dawn was handling the sight of the two Buffys better than she would have expected.  "She's right.  I love you, more than life itself."

Elizabeth continued.  "The Key, not Dawn, the Key was supposed to close the portal.  When we jumped in, we confused Fate.  And that's why things got lost."  Elizabeth could see the confusion on everyone's face.  "I am so not doing a good job of this."

Spike placed his hand on Elizabeth's shoulder.  "Just keep going, pet.  They'll understand."

Elizabeth smiled up at the vampire.  We do love him, she thought.  "Let's follow the bouncing-Buffy.  By Fate's plan, we weren't supposed to die.  The energy of the Key was going to return to the universe.  Not a bad plan really.  But the monks, being human, made a mistake.  They didn't send us a Key to protect; they sent us a sister to love.  Our love for Dawn changed the plan.  So, we enter the portal and die.  Now, we're not supposed to be there, so Fate bumps us out of the demon dimension.  But dead beings that leave a demon dimension are always sent to Hell, so we get bumped there.  But we've done too much good to be in Hell, so we're bumped into Heaven.  But, we're not supposed to be in Heaven either.  They weren't ready for us.  And it all happened so quickly.  So we just sit in limbo while everyone takes stock of the situation.  It's like, 'We have the Slayer, but what are we going to do with her?'  And as they start to work out what happened, other things are noticed.  Things are missing."

Elizabeth stopped for a minute.  She wanted to give everyone a chance to catch up.  Buffy was the first one to speak.  "Missing.  What's missing?"

Elizabeth turned to look at Buffy.  "Well, to put it bluntly, parts of us.  During all that bumping, the evil side of the game decided to take advantage of the situation.  They grabbed at parts of us while we were being bumped around."

Buffy looked up at Spike.  "You were right.  I came back wrong."  Everything Tara had told her, none of it mattered.  She was wrong. 

Spike eyes were filled with love as he looked at his Slayer.  "Not wrong, Buffy, just jumbled.  Let Elizabeth finish. luv."  

Elizabeth was agitated.  "Spike's right.  We're not wrong.  See, the Powers had every intention of sending us back, you just came back too early.  There are still parts of us lingering in the demon dimension, in Hell and in limbo."  

Buffy's voice was very quite as she spoke.  "You still haven't told me, what parts are missing from me?"

Elizabeth turned to Spike.  It was his turn now.  "Okay kiddies, pay attention."  Spike picked up the full glass of water.  "This is Buffy when she jumped into the portal.  The glass is her body, the water all the parts of her."  Spike poured some of the water into the first glass.  "Now that's the part she left behind in the demon dimension."  Spike poured some into the second glass.  "And that's the part she left in Hell."  He poured some into the third glass.  "And that would be that part left in limbo.  Our Elizabeth."  Spike poured the rest into the fourth glass.  "And that's the part that came back to us."  

Dawn looked at the vampire.  "Still not getting it, Spike."

Spike put the empty glass back down.  "Nibblet, what's in each of these glasses?"

Dawn rolled her eyes.  "Duh, water."

Spike continued.  "Water.  It doesn't matter how many glasses I pour in into, it's all still water.  That doesn't change.  Buffy's the same way.  It's all still Buffy.  Nothing's missing.  It's just sliced a little thin."  Spike looked at his Slayer.  Had he make the situation better or worse?

Willow's eyes were bright.  "I get it!  Water is made up of Hydrogen and Oxygen.  It always stays the same no matter what you do to it.  Ice, steam, its all water.  It's not like Buffy's soul was left in one place, and her emotions in another.  It's not a specific part of her that's missing.  It is just parts of the whole."

Buffy's closed her eyes.  Sliced a little thin.  Spike hit the nail on the head.  "That's why things have been difficult.  I'm not all myself, literally."

Elizabeth let out the breath she had been holding.  Buffy understood.  "Yes, that's it.  The Powers were working on collecting all the parts before they sent us back, but they were having difficulty finding them.  Plus they thought they had time.  It's not like we had noticed.  We weren't even ready to go back."

Buffy straightened her shoulders as she spoke.  "What the hell is that supposed to mean!"

Elizabeth placed a steadying hand on Buffy's shoulder.  "Buffy.  We hadn't asked about our friends.  We hadn't asked about Dawn.  We hadn't even asked to see mom.  We were adjusting to the peace.  The non-fighting.  The absence of worrying about everyone and everything.  We were in a state of limbo.  Normally, when people die, the Powers try to guide them out of that state as soon as they can, but since they had no answers for us, they let us stay there."

Tears rose in Buffy's eyes.  "I could have seen mom?  She was there."  

 "Well, of course she's in Heaven.  Our mother is a wonderful woman."  Elizabeth saw that Buffy was crushed.  "Please, Buffy.  Don't cry about this.  She saw us, you know.  She was sad we were taken from life so quickly, but she was so proud of the fact we sacrificed ourselves for Dawn."

Hearing that comforted Buffy, gave her strength, her mother was proud of her.  She turned to Elizabeth with renewed interest.  "So, what happened next?"

Elizabeth turned towards her best friend.  "Willow.  The spell she cast started bumping us around again.  Only this time, we didn't want to leave.  So when our friends yanked us out, we fought, leaving me to stay in limbo."

Willow and Xander's looked destroyed.  Normally, Buffy would have comforted her friends, telling them it wasn't their fault.  But she didn't have the strength to lie to them again.  Part of this was their fault.  "Why is all of this happening now?  Why didn't they send you months ago?"

Elizabeth had a good idea what Buffy was thinking about her best friends.  "The Powers That Be have found out where the missing parts are and they think they know how to get them.  We just need to wait a little longer, then we can be whole again.  Can you wait?"

"Do I have a choice?  What am I going to do?  Sneak into Hell and steal part of myself back?"  Buffy ran an absent hand through her hair.  She was lost in her own thoughts.  So lost, she didn't see the look that passed between Elizabeth and Spike.  If she only knew how close to the truth she was.

---TBC 


	8. After Shock

Summary:       Spike and Buffy talk alone.  He's hiding something from her, but will he tell her the truth?

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

**After Shock**

The rest of the night was spent at the Magic Box.  The Scoobies asking questions, trying to understand what had happened to Buffy.  Elizabeth had answered everything she could.  When the majority of her answers started to consist of 'I don't know's, Spike suggested they end the meeting.  He said he was sure Elizabeth and Buffy were tired.  Maybe the Scoobies should talk the rest over tomorrow.  Shortly after that, the group broke up.  

It had been a strange walk back to the Summers' house.  Buffy, Elizabeth and Dawn had taken the lead.  Buffy was still amazed at Dawn's reaction.  Unlike the rest of them, she blindly accepted Elizabeth's presence.  Her younger sister had placed herself between the two Slayers, taking each of their hands as they walked.  Willow had lagged behind, falling into step with Spike, who had insisted on walking with them.  The witch and the vampire watched the happy trio in front of them.  They spoke in hushed voices as the talked.

"How can they all be so comfortable together?  With everything Buffy's been going through lately?  Then Elizabeth shows up out of the blue.  And Dawn was barely speaking to Buffy two days ago."  There was a twinge of jealousy in Willow's voice.

Spike pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his duster pocket.  "Probably all the Slayer's books she's been reading, plus the visit to the all-powerful one.  Buffy was sort of prepared for Elizabeth."  He lit the cigarette, taking a long drag before continuing.  "And the Nibblet hasn't been happy with the Buffy you brought back to her.  Elizabeth gives her hope that the old Buffy will return."

Willow stopped walking, grabbing the arm of Spike's duster before he could walk passed her.  "How would you know how Dawn feels?  You didn't even talk to her tonight."  

Spike glanced at the trio ahead.  He didn't want to lose sight of them.  It could be an eternity before he saw them again.  "Keep moving, Red.  We can walk and talk at the same time."  When they began moving again, Spike answered her.  "I know how the Nibblet feels, because I feel the same way."  

Willow shook her head.  She'd never understand men.  "But this Buffy, the one that came back, you have a chance to be with her."

Spike threw his cigarette to the side.  "Bloody hell, woman!  Do you think really think I'm that self-centered?  That I can love her and not see that since she's been back, something's been tearing her apart?  The Slayer's been miserable.  If you weren't so caught up in your own guilt, you would have seen it too."  Since Elizabeth had told him the story, Spike was angrier with the Scoobies than ever.  If they had left things alone, Buffy would have come back whole.  "She knows the truth now.  And, yes, eventually she'll be whole again, and I'll lose her again.  I knew I never really had a chance with her.  But she will be Buffy.  That's the important part."            

Willow studied the blond vampire who watched the women in front of him.  He really does love her, she thought.  "You'd rather see her whole and live without her, then see her like this and be with her?"

Spike glanced at the witch.  "Since she's been back, I've lived off crumbs.  Told her it was enough, but it's not.  If I can't have all of her…  I don't want the bits and pieces.  Not anymore.  It hurts too much."  Normally, Spike wouldn't have said his feelings with one of the Scoobies.  He never shared his feelings for the Slayer with anyone.  But someone had to know.  He needed someone to tell her when he was gone.  Someone to tell her why he left.  "Come on, we're almost at the house."  Spike called out to the group ahead of them.  "Elizabeth pet, this is where I take my leave."

Buffy frowned as the three Summers' girls turned to look at Spike.  Why had he spoken to Elizabeth?  Buffy thought there was more going on between her vampire and her limbo-self than either would admit.  Elizabeth smiled at Spike as approached her.  "Not going to walk us all the way home?  What about the Big Bads lurking on the streets of Sunnydale?"

Spike raised his eyebrow.  "I was not lurking.  Been walking behind you, but not lurking.  As for the other evil beasties around, they'll think twice before attacking two identical Slayers.  The sight of you two would probably scare the hell right out of them."  Elizabeth hugged Spike.  She was much more free with her affections than Buffy was.  Spike's unbeaten heart ached.  He whispered in her ear.  "Take care of them, pet.  I'll be back soon, I promise."  

Elizabeth nodded her head.  Tears started to form in the corners of her eyes as she pulled away from him.  "Just be careful," she whispered.  Then, continuing in her regular voice, "Dawnie, why don't you, Willow and me head on to the house."  Elizabeth's eyes connected with Buffy's.  Yes, she needed time alone with Spike.

Dawn gave Spike a hug before again taking Elizabeth's hand.  "I'll see you in a couple of days.  I have that Shakespeare paper due at school.  You promised to help me with it."

Spike looked at the other Summers' woman in his life.  No, wouldn't be able to help her with the paper.  "Nibblet, that paper isn't due for months.  And you still haven't finished reading all the assigned sonnets.  Why don't we skip the tutoring for a while.  You should stay at home.  I'm sure the Slayers need you there."  

Dawn looked at the two parts of her sister.  Although she liked spending time with Spike, the idea of spending more time with them was exciting to her.  She had tons of questions she didn't want to ask in front of the Scoobies.  Most of them dealing with her mom.  "Sure.  And I promise to read the rest of the poems, swear."  Dawn crossed her heart with her finger as she finished.

"Sonnets, Bit, not just poems.  How many times do I have to explain that?"  Spike called after Dawn as she walked hand and hand down the street with Elizabeth.  Willow still following behind.

Neither the Slayer nor the vampire moved towards each other as the watched they new trio disappear around corner onto Revello Dr.  They were finally alone.  Buffy was the first to speak.  "I don't like the way she touches you all the time."  At Spike's chuckle, Buffy added, "And I'm not jealous."

Spike just shook his head.  "Of course not, luv.  Can't be jealous of yourself, can you?"  Spike knew, just like him, Buffy saw her and Elizabeth as two separate beings.  They might be part of the same person, but they were different.  Even if they weren't supposed to be.

"She doesn't know all the things I know."  Buffy was continuing the conversation from Spike's thoughts.  

Spike looked at the woman he loved, serious as he spoke.  "No, she doesn't.  But you know all the things she does.  In her mind, she just jumped through the portal days ago.  She has no idea what you've been through since coming back.  Maybe you can talk to her about how you've felt.  She'll understand."  

Buffy slowly nodded.  Yeah, Elizabeth would understand.  She was a part of Buffy; she had to.  Buffy took a tentative step in Spike's direction.  "Spike, I…"  She wasn't sure what she wanted to say.  She needed to tell him so much.  But she was still unsure of him, of herself.  She settled for the easiest form of communication.  "Kiss me."

With vampire speed, Spike had Buffy in his arms.  He was tenderly attacking her lips with his own.  God!  It had been so long since he touched her.  And being around Elizabeth all day had him wired.  It wasn't the way she looked or acted.  No, those things he could ignore.  But the scent of her, the Slayer blood flowing through her.  It called to him, just like Buffy's did.  

Buffy wound her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her.  Needing to get as close to him as humanly possible.  She wanted to feel every inch of him pressed against her.  She almost crawled up his body in an attempt to get that close.  Buffy needed the contact with him.  She had seen him twice in two days.  Both times she had been surrounded by her friends; hadn't be able to touch him.  It drove her crazy!  

Spike was the first to end the turbulent kiss.  He knew he couldn't let it continue.  Any more and she'd never make it back to the house tonight.  His crypt, his bed, were only minutes away.  Buffy's head fell onto his chest as her arms wrapped around his waist.  He lightly stoked her short hair.  "Buffy, we can't do this."  Spike was as breathless as she was.  

Buffy turned her face into the black shirt, taking deep breathes, needing to memorize the smell of him.  "I know.  Couldn't help myself."  Had she ever wanted anyone the way she wanted him?  Angel?  Riley?  Buffy's hands started pulling at the back of Spike's shirt.  If she could just touch his skin…

Spike pushed the Slayer away from him.  "Still starting things you have no intention of finishing, luv?  Unless you have an answer for me?"  Spike's penetrating blue eyes were full of hope as he questioned her.

Buffy took a step further back from him.  She was in dangerous territory.  "No, no answer.  I'm sorry."  Buffy saw the hope fade from his eyes.  All she ever did was hurt him.  Why did he bother to stay?  "And now.  Things are more complicated."  Buffy sat down on the curb.  "Why can't I have a normal life?"

"Normal's for the gits who live in this bloody town and act like nothing goes bump in the night.  That don't acknowledge the vampires and demons that keep them off the streets after dark."  Spike lit another cigarette as he talked.  "You're too smart for that, Slayer.  Normal would bore you to tears."  

Buffy laughed.  "Ever heard the saying 'ignorance is bliss'?"  Buffy looked up at the vampire standing above her.  When she had first come back, he had been her sounding board, her confidante.  She needed that from him right now.  Buffy was serious as she spoke.  "Spike, I'm scared."

Spike sat next to Buffy on the curb, making sure to keep a good distance between them.  He knew Elizabeth's presence and her revelations about the events immediately following Buffy's death would weigh heavily on the Slayer.  She was confused before, now she had to deal with all this.  "Things will work out, Buffy.  They always do.  The other parts will be found and you will be whole again."

Buffy rested her head in her hands.  The other parts.  She needed to talk to Elizabeth about the grand plan of the Powers That Be.  "I was thinking about calling Giles in the morning.  Have Elizabeth explain the situation to him.  He might be able to help.  Maybe he'd come back."  Buffy pushed her hair back from her face.  "I know he expects me to handle things on my own, but…"

Spike placed a gentle hand on Buffy's shoulder.  The weight of the world always resting on those small shoulders.  "He wanted you to grow up, luv.  Take responsibility for your life.  To stop using him as a crutch.  But he's still your Watcher.  He'll come back.  Ruppert won't leave you to deal with this by yourself.  Trust me."

Buffy found the comfort she was looking for in Spike's statement.  She glanced in his direction.  "I do trust you.  Sometimes.  That's why I'm not going to beat you senseless for Elizabeth spending the night in your crypt."

Spike wondered when they would get back to that.  He dropped his hand from Buffy's shoulder, moving farther away from her on the curb.  For once, he wasn't looking for a fight.  "Slayer, nothing happened.  She slept downstairs in the bed.  I slept upstairs on the couch."  Spike's voice was pleading with her to believe him.  

But Buffy wanted to tease him some more.  She believed what Elizabeth had told her.  Spike WAS too freaked out to try anything on the duplicate Slayer.  "And you never took a peak down the ladder?  Never watched her sleep?"  Buffy eyes were accusing, but mischievous.

If Spike could, he would have blushed.  "Never said I didn't take a peak."  Buffy lightly punched him in the arm.  "Hey!  Evil, remember?  Besides, it was bloody strange.  Like being caught in an episode of The Twilight Zone.  Was making sure she was still Buffy-shaped, that's all."

Buffy continued to laugh at the distraught vampire as she stood up.  She missed bantering with him.  Missed having him around.  In her dreams, he never had to leave.  He was always with her.  Buffy looked down the street.  But this wasn't one of her dreams.  Real life was crashing in on her again.  "I guess I'd better be go.  Don't want them to worry about me."  

Spike stood up behind Buffy.  He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.  He rested his chin on the top of her head.  They fit together perfectly.  "Everything's going to be fine, Slayer.  Call Ruppert in the morning and make a full report.  Keep talking to Elizabeth.  The two of you need each other right now."  Spike kissed the top of her head.  "I'll always love you, Buffy."  He let his arms fall away from her as he took a step backwards.

Buffy didn't know how long she stood there after Spike left.  She hadn't turned around to watch him leave.  The leaving part was always the most painful for her. She watched Angel disappear into the fog and chaos of the destroyed school.  She watched Riley ride away in the noise and bluster of a military helicopter.  She couldn't watch Spike leave her.  

Buffy shook the last thought from her mind.  Spike wasn't leaving her.  He was just going back to his crypt.  He'd never leave her.  How many times had he told her that?  Buffy laughed at herself.  "Get a grip, Summers,' she said into the air.  Buffy started walking back to her house, shifting her thoughts back to Elizabeth and Dawn.  But one last thought of Spike snuck into her mind.  Wonder if we have any cocoa?

---TBC


	9. The Whole Truth

Summary:       Some truths are discovered.  Dawn gets busted.  Buffy and Elizabeth have an entertaining conversation about the ex's.  Spike's whereabouts are disclosed.    

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

The Whole Truth 

The phone call to Giles had been surreal.  At least that's the word he had used.  To add to his confusion, Elizabeth and Buffy had picked up different extensions, talking to him at the same time.  Giles was flustered during the entire conversation; not knowing which of the Slayers was talking to him at any given moment.  When both girls simultaneously told him they needed him, Giles thought his heart would break.  He was flying back to the States in a few days.

Similar conversations kept happening.  Someone would ask a question or make a statement, and both Elizabeth and Buffy would reply.  Same words, same tone of voice.  Xander had called it creepy.  But the Slayers didn't seem to mind.  They took it all in stride.  Dawn was the only other person it didn't bother.  

The only awkward incident for the Summers' family occurred when Dawn started asking questions about Joyce.  Willow had left to go to the movies.  She said she wanted to give the three of them time alone, but they knew she was just as wigged as Xander.  Elizabeth told Dawn that mom did have a message for her.  Dawn's eyes were bright as she asked what it was.  Elizabeth said that mom's exact words were 'I saw that'.  Dawn had turned sheet white.  Mom expected Dawn to tell Buffy about what she had done.  She was going to return everything.  And she was going to apologize to Anya.         

After an hour of explaining and apologizing, Dawn was sent to her room.  She was grounded for life as far as Buffy was concerned.  Stealing from her own friends was really low.  As part of her punishment, Dawn was forbidden to see Janice again.  No more trips to the mall.  And as soon as Buffy worked it out with Anya, Dawn was going to work at the Magic Box after school until she paid for everything she had taken.  Dawn had whined a little, saying she didn't understand why she had to pay for the stuff is she was returning it.  She backed down when she saw Buffy's resolve face.    

So here they were.  Giles was driving in from the LA airport.  Dawn was restocking shelves while Anya kept a parole-officer eye on her.  Elizabeth and Buffy were training in the back room.  

"Enough already!"  Buffy called out to her double.  "It's no fun training with you."  Buffy walked over to grab one of the bottled waters sitting on the floor next to the back wall.  She tossed the other to Elizabeth.

"I know.  It's no fun for me either."  Elizabeth wiped the sweat from her forehead.  "I mean, there's no spontaneity.  I know what you're going to do; you know what I'm going to do.  How boring is that?"  The girls had realized early on that training with yourself was frustrating.  No one landed a decent punch or kick.  Moves were anticipated and readily blocked.  "There's no challenge."

Buffy sat down on the couch.  "Now training with Spike.  That's challenging.  I never know what he's going to do."  It wasn't the first time the vampire's name had been brought up in their conversations.  Everything seemed to circle back to him.  "Maybe we can get him to join us?"  

Elizabeth plopped down next to Buffy.  A fake smile on her face as she said, "Oh goody!  A three-way.  Just what Spike's been dreaming about."  Buffy almost choked on her water.  Elizabeth patted her on the back.  Once Buffy was breathing normally again, Elizabeth continued.  "What are you going to do about him?"

Buffy dropped her head to the back of the couch.  "I don't know."  She closed her eyes.  "He's the most annoying, agitating, confusing monster I've ever met."

"And we love him."  Elizabeth glanced at her stunned double.  "Please, Buffy.  It's just us now.  Don't feel like taking a boat ride on the river of denial.  We.  Love.  Spike.  Admit it.  It's not like you can hide it from me."

For once, Buffy didn't argue.  She was talking to herself, right?  Not like it was a declaration to the rest of the Scoobies.  "When?  When did we fall in love with him?  I've been so mixed up since I've been back, I can't remember."

"I know it happened before we died.  I wouldn't feel it to if it was something that happened after you came back.  But I'm not sure."  Elizabeth thought about it for a minute.  "We were always jealous of his relationship with Dru."

Buffy agreed.  "Yeah.  Not the twisted, psycho part, but the I'll-do-anything-for-you part.  He betrayed his grand-sire because he was jealous of Dru's feelings for Angelus.  Totally devoted to her.  Would fight the world to be with her."

Elizabeth propped one leg on the couch as she turned to Buffy.  "Exactly.  And then Angel leaves us because he doesn't have the strength to fight for our relationship.  All that talk about a normal life.  Please!  We're the Slayer.  We have no normal life."

Buffy was getting into it now.  All the unsaid thoughts she really had about the past.  "Spike stayed with Dru while she was crazy, well, still is.  But he cared for her while she was weak.  Brought her to Sunnydale in an attempt to cure her.  Was almost dusted when the piano fell on him.  Put up with Angelus for as long as he could.  Even tried to have Willow cast a love spell.  He did all that.  And Angel runs because we can't have sex."

"Typical male.  Thinks with his dick.  I guess some things never change, even after you're dead."  Elizabeth took another sip of water.  "Then has he nerve to come back and give us hell about Riley."  

Buffy snorted.  In a sing-song voice she said, "I want you to have a normal relationship.  To find a normal guy, so you can walk in the sun."  She rolled her eyes.  "Who has time to walk in the sun when you patrol all night and work all day?  Anyway.  Then we meet the normal guy, and he wants to kill him.  There's so much about us Angel never understood."

"And Riley."  Elizabeth face fell as she remembered the ex-commando.  "Poor Riley.  He never got it, did he?"

"The whole Slayer thing?"  Elizabeth nodded at Buffy's question.  "No, he never got it.  He chose to go into the army.  He chose to fight demons.  He never got the part about life sort of choosing us.  He wanted to separate us from the Slayer.  He was commando-boy when he put on the clothes, and college-guy when he took them off.  But we are all Slayer, all the time.  He couldn't make it fit."  

"And we didn't love him."  Elizabeth was slightly embarrassed by that point of truth.  "We tried, but it just wasn't there.  Ever wonder what we would have said to him if we caught up with him that night?"

Buffy was just as embarrassed.  "I try not to think about it.  Xander had us so freaked out.  Same old Angel tune.  Normal life, normal boy.  We would have destroyed Riley if we stopped him from getting on that helicopter.  Mister Gung-ho would have been stomped by Glory or he would have been devastated when we died.  Either way, he would've been screwed."      

"You are so right.  He would've gone straight after Glory.  No thought, no real plan.  And God forbid he take orders from us.  He hated the fact that we were in charge.  Can you imagine if Glory had tried to torture him the way she tortured Spike?"  A shiver went through Elizabeth's body.  "He never would have survived."

"I got a letter from him a couple of months ago."  Buffy dolled out that information to her twin.  She hadn't even told the Scoobies about the letter.  To her, it had been another sign of failure.  She wasn't so sure anymore.

Elizabeth was shocked.  "You did?  Army boy finally wrote to us.  I thought he wasn't allowed to have contact with civilians?"

Buffy continued.  "Seems that mission ended.  He was on leave in Iowa, visiting the family.  But not to worry, the world is still safe.  He signed up for another, even more dangerous mission.  Of course, he couldn't tell me where he was going.  Top Secret stuff.  And you are NOT going to believe the next part.  He's married."

Elizabeth's eyes widened and her jaw dropped.  "Married!"  Riley Finn was married.  If that didn't beat all.

Buffy's had a satisfied smile on her face.  It felt good to finally tell somebody.  "Married some chick he met in the jungle.  She's an American.  Works with him destroying all the evil in the world.  Name's Sam."

Elizabeth let out a low whistle.  "Mr and Mrs Captain America."  A twinge of jealousy passed through her.  So goes the life of the normal people.  "Wonder what she looks like?"

"He didn't say.  But I bet she's perfect."  Buffy felt the same bite of jealousy.  Marriage, family, demon fighting.  If Riley could have it all, why couldn't she?  Buffy leaned a little closer to Elizabeth.  "What I'm dieing to know, is how much he told her about us."

"Yeah.  Let's imagine THAT conversation.  'Honey, my last girlfriend was the Slayer.  Yes, the Chosen One.  But don't worry, she won't ever want me back.  Not after she found out I get my kicks having my arms sucked by vampire hoes.'  Wonder how he explained the marks on his arms during his army physical."  Both Slayers laughed.  Talking maliciously about the ex's was fun.  "Hopefully he learned a little more about sex before he got married.  If not, I feel sorry for the girl."

"Oh, I don't know.  He met her in a jungle.  Maybe she likes the missionary position."  Buffy moved her finger in a circle as she continued in a bored voice.  "Over, and over, and over, again."

Elizabeth's butt slid off the couch as she continued to laugh.  "Good face, great body, decent kisser, but no points for imagination.  Best night with him, when we got caught in the haunted house.  Still only missionary, but much better stamina."

"Spoiled.  We were so spoiled by that night.  Before – Angel, Parker, Riley.  One time, then nighty-nighty.  After, we have the marathon sex parade.  How could he ever beat that record?"  Buffy thought about the nights she snuck out of bed to relieve her pent up frustrations by slaying.

Elizabeth was thinking the same thing.  But she noticed that Spike hadn't been included in Buffy's short list of 15-minute men.  "Now for the million dollar question.  Spike.  Body, kissage, stamina, imagination.  What's the verdict?"

A slow, lecherous smile crept across Buffy's face.  "Judges give a ten, all categories.  Body – to die for.  Not an ounce of fat.  And have you seen those abs?  Come on.  Kissage – never the same twice.  Except for the totally-forgetting-the-rest-of-the-world-exists part.  Stamina – can't be explained, can only be experienced.  Imagination – being over a hundred years old gives him the advantage."  Buffy started to drift into her own thoughts.  "The things he can do with his hands.  And that mouth!"

"Too much information."  Elizabeth was quick to stop her.  "Leave that conversation for you and Willow.  Together the two of you can discuss the benefits of demon lovers.  I haven't slept with him, remember?  I don't need the visual."

Buffy sighed.  "You're the one who asked."  She pushed the delicious imagines from her mind.  She'd think about them later.  "But you're right.  Let's get back to the original point of this twisted conversation."          

Elizabeth grabbed the water from Buffy's hand, having finished with her own.  "Love.  Spike.  When did it happen."  Elizabeth moved back onto the couch.  "Okay.  I thought maybe after Glory tortured him.  He was so serious about not wanting to see us in pain if anything happened to Dawn."

Buffy remembered the look on his face.  The perceived pain in his eyes had shadowed the real pain evident on his body.  "But we were stilled wigged about the Buffy-bot, so it can't be then."

Elizabeth stuck her tongue out as she scrunched up her face in disgust.  "The Buffy-bot!  Whatever happened to that thing?"  At Buffy's exasperated look, Elizabeth relented.  "Sorry, random thought.  We'll talk about it later."  Both girls were silent.  Each thinking of all the time they had spent with Spike.  "It was the stairs."  Elizabeth looked at Buffy, needing to see agreement in her eyes.

Buffy blinked.  Her mind drifted back to the last night she was alive.  Spike had gone with her to pick up weapons.  "God, that night on the stairs.  You're right.  That's when it happened."  Tears were starting to form.  

As if on cue, both girls repeated Spike's words.  "I know you'll never love me, I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man, and that's…"  They looked down into their laps.

"We fell in love with an unfinished sentence."  Buffy's voice caught on the emotions stuck in her throat.  The laughter of a few minutes ago was dead as she remembered the feeling expressed in those words. 

Elizabeth grabbed her hand.  "No, we'd been falling since that day in his crypt after Glory.  We stumbled when he told us to hand him the weapons through the open door, so we wouldn't have to invite him in.  We crashed into it on the stairs."  Elizabeth's eyes were also filling with tears.

Buffy's voice was so quiet, Elizabeth almost didn't hear her.  "He thought he was going to die that night.  He was prepared to die, for us."  Buffy bit her bottom lip.  "He'd have traded places with us in a heart beat."

Elizabeth leaned her head back on the couch.  "Til the end of the world, even if that happens to be tonight."  She closed her eyes.  "I can't remember the last thing Dawn said to us before she left for school this morning, but I can remember every word he said that night."

"When I came back."  Buffy glanced in Elizabeth's direction.  "When he first saw me.  I asked him how long I had been gone.  He didn't even think about it.  He said 147 days.  He had counted the days since we died."  Buffy had a heart-breaking, questioning look on her face.  "How can someone without a soul be the most soulful creature we've ever known?"

Elizabeth stood up.  She wiped her hands across her face.  "Okay, this is so not of the good for either of us right now."  Buffy looked up at her.  "Buffy, you have to tell him.  He deserves to know.  He's risking his life for us."  Elizabeth realized what she said the minute the words were out of her mouth.  Slight panic spread across her face. 

But Buffy didn't notice.  "You're right.  I've struggled it for so long, but it's not the loving him I struggle with.  That's just there.  I can't get rid of it.  And believe me, I've tried.  It's the other part.  The telling everyone.  The deciding what to do after that.  The living with it.  That's the hard part.  He's still evil, you know.  He still screws up.  I mean, he screws up bad.  But I'll tell him.  When all of this is over, I'll tell him."

"I just hope it's not too late."  Elizabeth whispered.  Should she tell Buffy what was going on?  No, Spike told her not to say anything.  He thought it would only make matters worse.  

Buffy almost laughed.  "What are you talking about?  Of course it's not too late.  It's Spike.  He's not going to leave us."  Elizabeth still looked doubtful.  "Look, if you're that worried about it, I'll go to his crypt right now."

The panic was back in Elizabeth's eyes, stronger.  Her voice, a little more adamant than she intended.  "No!  You can't go there!"  

This time Buffy did notice.  Now she was worried.  "Why not?  No denial, remember.  Why can't I go to Spike's crypt?  What's he done now that I'm not supposed to know about?"

Elizabeth walked out of the training room.  Okay, so she had been dropping hints.  She called over her shoulder.  "Buffy, it's nothing.  Just leave it alone."

Buffy followed after her.  Thankfully, there were no customers in the shop.  If there had been, they would have seen the beginnings of a fight.  Buffy was almost yelling.  "Elizabeth, we are a terrible liar.  What are you hiding from me?"

Anya and Dawn watched the two Slayers.  This was the first time they had argued since Elizabeth's arrival.  She looked frightened.  Buffy looked angry.  Dawn took a tentative step towards her sisters.  "Buffy, why are you yelling at Elizabeth?"

Buffy never took her eyes off the other Slayer.  "Dawnie, stay out of this."  Buffy advanced.  She wanted answers and she wanted them now.  "Elizabeth!"

Elizabeth was torn.  "He made me promise not to tell you.  I, I can't!  Don't you understand?"  She sat down at the research table.  She didn't want to keep this from Buffy, but she didn't want to break her promise to Spike.  Life was so complicated.  She wished she were back in limbo.

Buffy sat down opposite her twin.  She knew there had been something going on between the two of them.  "Elizabeth, I'm really starting to worry now.  If you don't answer me soon, I'll go beat the truth out of Spike.  Tell me what the HELL is going on!"

The tears were back in Elizabeth's eyes.  She just couldn't do it.  She couldn't lie to herself.  Her forehead hit the top of the table as she mumbled her answer.  "They sent him.  Is that what you want to hear?  They sent Spike."

At first she didn't understand.  Then, in a split-second, Buffy's eyes widened as her hand flew to cover her mouth.  "Oh, my God."  So much for beating the truth out of him.  She couldn't even touch him.

Dawn ran over to the weeping Elizabeth.  Something wasn't right about any of this.  Who had sent Spike?  And where did they send him?  Why was Elizabeth crying about it?  And why was Buffy looking like that?  "Buffy, what's wrong?"

Buffy's eyes made short, erratic movements as she looked between her sister and Elizabeth.  Dawn wasn't going to take this well either.  She stood up and rounded the table.  "They sent Spike, Dawnie.  The Powers That Be sent Spike to find what's missing."

Anya's head popped up from behind the cash register.  She was finally interested in the conversation.  "The Powers That Be sent Spike to Hell?"

---TBC    


	10. Hell Hath No Fury

Summary:       Spike thinks about the life he left back on earth and the consequences of his current mission.  Buffy and Elizabeth have another talk.

Disclaimer:    Joss Weldon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Hell Hath No Fury 

"I'm in Hell.  This is Hell.  Bloody hell."  Spike kept repeating to himself.  "Of all the stupid, idiotic ideas I've had, this has GOT to be the worst."  Spike wasn't sure exactly where he had landed in Hell.  It wasn't like the Powers had given him a map of the place.  He had three things going for him.  One, he knew that if he kept his ears open and his mouth shut, he'd be able to find where they were keeping the Slayer.  Anyone who knew the information would be broadcasting it.  Demons weren't ones for modesty.  Two, without a soul he blended right in with his current surroundings.  And three, the chip in his head only worked on humans.  In Hell, it wouldn't cause him any problems.  Unfortunately, that's where his luck ended.

When Elizabeth had told him about the Powers' plan to gather the other missing parts of Buffy, he knew he was the chosen candidate for the mission.  Buffy herself would have gone without thinking, but the last thing anyone wanted was two parts of the Slayer lost in Hell.  No, the soulless monster, the expendable one, the convenient one, that was the man, uh, demon for the job.  

Spike wasn't sure how long he had been in Hell.  It seemed like an eternity.  He knew that time past differently in this dimension.  A hundred, maybe two hundred years?  It was easy to lose track.  After all, it wasn't like he was on earth.  Nothing in the nether-realm ever changed.  On Earth, everything changed in the blink of an eye.  

Watching man's progress had always been one of Spike's favorite activities.  Railroads, cars, telephones, computers, airplanes – technology in general.  The advancement of the human race was spellbinding.  Dru never did understand his fascination with the trappings of humanity, but then maybe that was the main problem with his relationship with Dru.  She never understood anything about him, except for the killing.  That was why when he was with Dru, all that mattered was the killing.  She wanted a killer, so that's who he had become.  But he was more than just a killer.  It had taken Spike over a hundred years to realize it.  He could be a friend, an ally, a confidante, a lover.

Maybe one day he would get the chance to tell Buffy that she was only the third person he had ever loved.  Cecily, Dru, Buffy.  The total of his vast experience with women.  Sure, there were the minions Dru and him had turned, but none of them struck his fancy.  Shagging to shag.  It wasn't the same.  None of them had ever touched his heart.  None of them had ever made him want to be a better person, until Buffy.  Spike didn't regret the time he had spent as the Big Bad, and he would never apologize for it.  He was a master vampire.  It was part of his nature.  But he meant what he said to Buffy outside the museum.  A man could change.  Spike shook his head.  Some days he was a bigger pounce than Peaches.  Not that he would ever admit it to anyone.     

Peaches!  Now that was a problem.  In his gut, Spike knew the minute Buffy was whole she would run to his Grand-sire.  It was to be expected.  The Slayer loved the souled-vampire.  She had spent months researching the past Slayers.  Spike knew what was in those books.  Nibblet had been grand about snatching a few of them for him to read.  Maybe a bit too grand.  Her interest in swiping things was something he needed to talk to Buffy about if he ever got back.  She was getting a little too good at it.  But where was he?  Oh yes, Peaches.  

From what Spike had read, all the books said the same thing.  Buffy could have a relationship with anyone she wanted – man or monster.  She was as free to choose her life partner as any other being.  Spike knew that once she realized what she could have, it would only take her minutes to run to LA.  Giles and the rest of the Scoobies would find some way to cure Angel's little problem.  Then the Slayer's life would be a bed of roses.  And poor old Spike would be left with the thorns.

So Angel had a soul.  Big deal.  Spike was the one who risked his unlife in the fight with Glory.  Spike was the one that helped the Scoobies while Buffy was dead.  Spike was the one who watched out for the Nibblet.  Where had Angel been?  All nice and cozy in LA.  He hadn't even shown up for the funeral, the bloody bastard.  Even after she came back, it was Spike, not Angel, that Buffy had confided in, depended on.  But she was still fixated with his Grand-sire.  Nothing he did would ever change that.  He could turn his back on everything he had ever known, and it would never be enough for her.     

"It had to be me.  Had to let Elizabeth talk me into it.  No one else can go but you, Spike.  The Slayer will never let me live this down."  The pitch of Spike's voice changed as he mimicked the Slayer.  "You went to Hell to get part of me back?  That was a good little pet vampire.  But what took you so long?  At least I can be with my true love now.  See what Spikey brought me, Angel.  Now that I'm back to the real me, I can forget all about Spike and we can live happily, ever after."  Spike shook his head.  "Bleeding bitch.  I can hear it now.  Doesn't give a care about me, or the fact that I love her.  Won't let herself love me in return.  I'm an evil, soulless vampire.  She's told me enough times.  If I ever get back, I'll stake myself."  With that last thought, Spike continued on his journey.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Buffy was training by herself in the back of the Magic Box.  The punching bag receiving the brunt of her anger.  "It had to be Spike.  No one else could go.  He will never let me lives this down."  Buffy continued her tirade in a bad imitation of Spike's accent.  "See, Slayer.  I saved a piece of you from Hell.  What will you give me for it?  Maybe we can arrange a trade.  Something I want for something you want."  Buffy could almost see the arch of his brow and the seductive smirk on his face.  "I can hear it now."  Buffy's arms fell to her sides.  "But I would give anything for it.  Anything but him.  Doesn't he know that I need him?  That I lov-  Whoa."  Buffy shook her head to clear the thought from her brain.  "Wait a minute.  What did I almost say?  I can't feel that way about Spike.  Even if I did admit it to Elizabeth."  Buffy resumed her punches.  "He's evil!  He's an evil, soulless vampire.  An evil, soulless vampire who has gone into Hell to find a missing part of me.  It's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.  Argh!!!!  I'll stake him myself when he gets back!"

Spike had been gone for two weeks.  Every passing day, Buffy sunk further and further into her current bad mood.  Although she wouldn't admit it to the Scoobies (Everyone knew, but nobody was saying anything.), she missed him.  It was bad enough when the no-Spike quarantine was self-imposed, but this was torture.  And to top things off, she couldn't help.  She was useless.  There was nothing worse than a useless, pissed-off Slayer.

Buffy remembered the look on Giles' and Elizabeth's faces when she said she wanted to go to Hell to help Spike.  Giles had shown up a few minutes after Elizabeth had dropped the bomb about Spike's whereabouts.  She explained that the Powers That Be had chosen Spike because he was the best candidate.  He knew Buffy's scent, probably better than his own.  He was already dead, so his presence in Hell wouldn't cause any alarm.  He could walk around free, searching for her missing part.  

Buffy had exploded.  How dare the Powers mess around in her life!  She should have been the one to go to Hell.  It made perfect sense to her.  After all she WAS the Chosen One, the Slayer.  She had ordered Giles to find a way for her to enter Hell.  She was going and no one was talking her out of it.

Dawn had started to cry.  That had put a stop to Buffy's explosion.  Dawn was worried about Spike, but she was more worried about her sister.  She had been hysterical.  She didn't understand why Buffy would want to leave her again.  Wasn't four months enough?  She finally had her sister back, finally had a chance to have all of her back and Buffy was going to ruin it.  Buffy had crumbled.  After everything Dawn had been through – mom dieing, Buffy dieing – she couldn't do it to her again.  Buffy had backed off.  Giles and Elizabeth had been relieved.

Then Buffy had started asking questions.  Like, how was Spike going to get out of Hell?  Anya had been a wealth of knowledge on that subject.  Anya was happy to explain that all Spike had to do was cross the Gates of Hell and he would be free.  Buffy had been pleased.  That was until Anya started talking about the demon dogs that guarded the Gates.  They were bred specifically as Hell's watchdogs.  Seems they were three or four times larger than normal demon dogs.  They were starved for thousands of years at a time, making them ultra-vicious.  If someone tried to escape from Hell, they would tear the soul from limb to limb, feasting on the mangled body parts.  Buffy had turned gray.  Dawn had thrown-up.  

Buffy was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear Elizabeth enter the training room.  "I think it's dead, Buffy."

Buffy whirled around to find Elizabeth pointing at the punching bag.  Buffy hadn't even noticed that the side seem had split.  "I was just training."  She started to unroll the tape from her hands.  She was not in the mood for a conversation.  She had become a master in avoiding conversations with everyone.

Elizabeth crossed her arms in front of her.  "I can see that."  She took a few steps towards Buffy.  This had gone on long enough.  "How long were you planning to brood?"  

Buffy jerked her head up.  Brooding?  She wasn't brooding.  That was Ang-  "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh good, another trip to denial-land.  Part of you standing right here?  Hello?"  Elizabeth had let Buffy stew for as long as she could, but the Slayer's recent attitude wasn't helping anyone.  "I know you are worried about Spike, but we do have other things to take care of here."

Buffy made an attempt to brush past her twin.  She wasn't going to discuss this.  But Elizabeth grabbed her arm.  Slayer strength, no escape.  "I am going to be late for work."  Buffy tried to yank her arm free.

"That's the first thing we need to take care of."  Elizabeth dropped Buffy's arm, meeting her irritated stare.  "How long are you going to continue working in that dump?"

Renewed anger rose in Buffy's face.  "It pays the bills.  Some of us need to do that, you know."  Buffy hated working at the Doublemeat Palace, but she didn't have a choice.  And she didn't need Elizabeth second-guessing her decisions.

"Pay the bills, yes.  But can't we find a better way to do it?  Something that would allow us to use our natural talents to their full advantage?"  Elizabeth sat on the edge of the couch.  "Something that didn't leave us smelling like the inside of a fry vat?"

Buffy placed her hands on her hips.  "God, now you sound like Anya.  What do you want me to do?  Start charging for my services?  One dusted vamp, that will be $39.95, and we do take American Express."

"Cute, real cute.  No, what I had in mind was a little less crude."  Elizabeth pulled a piece of paper out of her back pocket.  She handed it to Buffy as she spoke.  "Have you ever heard of the Sunnydale Women's Shelter?"  Buffy reluctantly took the paper.  "The shelter helps abused women, run-aways, anyone looking for assistance.  They offer counseling, classes and seminars.  Right now, they are looking for someone to teach self defense and do general work in the office."  Elizabeth waited for Buffy to finish reading the ad before she continued.  "It's a full time job.  It even has benefits.  And the shelter is sponsored by UC Sunnydale, so we could take a couple of classes free each quarter."

Buffy looked at Elizabeth with amazement while she clutched the ad tightly in her hand.  Was this the answer to her prayers?  "I could go back to school?"  This had to be a dream.

"Yes, we could go to school.  We could have medical coverage.  We could have a decent work environment.  And we could help the women in this community learn to defend themselves."  Elizabeth stood up, walking towards Buffy.  "Plus, I think Social Services would like the change in our employer.  Dawn mentioned to me that the caseworker isn't thrilled about the double shifts you pull at the fast food place."

"No, she doesn't like the amount of time I spend at work."  Buffy started shaking her head.  "But they'd never hire me.  I don't have the qualifications.  It says right here that you need a degree."  She refused to get her hopes up.  Nothing was going right in her life.  Why should this?

"Actually, it says a degree is preferred, but not required.  As long as you are taking classes to get a degree.  It doesn't really matter anyway.  They already hired us."  Elizabeth smiled as she waved the employee badge in Buffy's face.  Buffy's mouth dropped open.  She was stunned.  Elizabeth took advantage of the situation.  "I went for the interview earlier today.  They were impressed with our martial arts skills.  And they were very sympathetic about the reason we had to drop out last semester.  They think we will be an inspiration to the younger girls that come in.  We are coping with our mother's death, without support from our father, and we are raising our teenage sister alone.  Our new boss, Julie, thinks we are perfect for the job!"

Buffy fell back onto the floor in a sitting position.  She continued to stare at the crumpled piece of paper.  Elizabeth knelt in front of her.  "Buffy, I know you'd mad, but I was only trying to help.  That place is killing you.  I know that you hate it there.  At the Women's Shelter we can do some real good.  And it would help us feel better about ourself."

'This place is killing you."  How long ago had Spike told her the same thing?  Buffy's voice was barely above a whisper.  "I don't have to go back to the pit?  I can really quit today?"  Her voice grew stronger as she looked into Elizabeth's eyes.  "I can help people AND get paid for it.  I can go back to school.  I can finally be proud of where I work and not worry about Social Services."  Buffy stood up.  She grabbed Elizabeth's hands and yanked her off the floor.  Before Elizabeth could react, Buffy was spinning her around in a little dance.  "I can be a real person, just like mom!"

Elizabeth was laughing.  Buffy needed this so much.  A light at the end of the tunnel.  "Not exactly the reaction I was expecting, but no disappointment here.  You're really not mad at me?"

Buffy continued her happy dance.  "Mad at you for doing this behind my back?  Yes.  But I'm in a forgiving mood today, you're lucky.  Oh my God, everyone will be so psyched!  And Giles, Giles will be so proud of us.  I can't stand it."  For the first time in weeks, there was true emotion in Buffy.  

Elizabeth shook her head at Buffy as she continued to smile.  "It's good to see you happy again.  I'm sure everyone else will appreciate the change.  You know, you've been a complete bitch recently."  Buffy was stunned by Elizabeth's honesty.  "Sorry, truth hurts.  I wasn't going to push it.  I was hoping that you would snap out of it on your own, but obviously THAT wasn't going to happen."

Buffy let out a frustrated sigh.  "Complete bitch?  Okay, I can see that.  I hate not being able to help.  It goes against my Slayer nature, you know?"  

"I know."  Elizabeth sat back down on the couch.  Typical Buffy, internalize to cover the pain.  "Buffy, he'll be fine.  The Powers That Be know what they're doing.  Besides, this is something he needs to do.  He's proving himself."

Buffy looked questioningly at Elizabeth.  Sometimes it was disturbing to have someone around who could read your thoughts.  "Spike doesn't need to prove himself to me."

"No, we understand him, even if we won't admit it.  But the others."  Elizabeth swept her hand to the training room door, indicating the Scoobies on the other side.  "Maybe this will help them accept him.  He knows that we are uber-freaked about being with him, mostly because of our friends.  If he can prove to them that he's worthy of us…"  Elizabeth let the sentence trail off.

"Prove himself worthy?  Elizabeth, this isn't a fairy tale.  Spike isn't the valiant knight slaying the dragon for his lady-faire.  He's a vampire.  I'm the Slayer."  Buffy finished.  "Those things don't change." 

Elizabeth just stared at her twin for a moment.  She hated fighting with Buffy.  "You just refuse to let it go, don't you?  People, demons, circumstances.  They all change, Buffy.  Change is part of life, part of unlife.  He's a vampire, so what?"  Elizabeth was getting angry.  "God, why is he in love with us?  What possible redeeming qualities could he see?  You won't give him an inch.  What does he have to do, Buffy?  Does he have to die for us before you give him any credit at all?"

Buffy stuck out her chin.  Her feelings for Spike were personal, hers alone.  Even if Elizabeth was part of her, that didn't give her the right to question how Buffy handled her relationship with the vampire.  "He's already dead."  She was stubborn to the core.

Elizabeth jumped up from the couch.  "You know what I meant!  Don't play word games with me.  I thought, after our talk, that you finally got it.  You finally understood.  Obviously I was wrong.  If you still want to act like the naïve 16-year-old schoolgirl, fine with me."  Elizabeth was finished.  She wouldn't argue with Buffy about Spike anymore.  "Spike WILL bring back our missing part from Hell.  He WILL bring back our missing part from the demon dimension.  We WILL be whole again.  But before the Powers can make that happen, I'm going to talk to Spike.  I'm going to tell him to run, run as far away from us as he can get.  Run back to Drusilla if he has to.  But he has got to get away from you.  He deserves better than to be treated like a dirty little secret.  He's a better man than that.  And if you can't see it, or refuse to see it, I feel sorry for you."  With that, Elizabeth walked out of the training room.         

---TBC


	11. Pain

Summary:       Spike finds what he's looking for in Hell, but she isn't the same Slayer that he left behind.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Pain 

With loving eyes, Spike looked at the naked woman chained to the rock wall.  Thank God she was unconscious.  There were cuts and bruises on every part of her exposed flesh.  He thought about the torture that he had experienced during Glory's interrogation.  It was a walk in the park compared to what the woman before him had endured.  

Spike slowly approached the girl with as much care as a hunter stalking a sleeping lion.  He tentatively reached out his hand to smooth the hair away from her face.  Before he could touch her, the lioness awake.  She raised her head, steadily meeting his stare with her own.  The force of the rage coming from those beautiful eyes made him take a step back.  Spike's undead heart broke.  

Her voice was raspy as she spoke, like she had been left in the desert for months without water.  "Come for your turn?  Trying to break me like the others.  Do your best."  She was naked, chained to a wall, completely vulnerable, but her voice was still filled with defiance.  A fighter, even now.

Spike wanted to weep.  He took a step closer to her.  "I'm not here to hurt you.  I'm here to take you out of here."  Her eyes never changed.  "Slayer, don't you know who I am?"  There was concern and worry in his eyes as he whispered the question.    

Her shallow laughter filled the small, dark room.  "You can do better than that.  At least a hundred demons have played the part of my rescuer before.  Do you think that I would fall for it again?  You ARE as dumb as you look."

"Slayer, it's Spike.  This isn't a trick.  It's really me."  Spike raised his voice over her forced laughter.  "The Powers have sent me to take you out of Hell."  How many had tried to trick her into relaxing her guard?  What other games had they played with her fragile mind?

"The Powers That Be don't give a damn about me."  Her eyes were still locked with his own.  "You can stop with the Spike impersonation.  It won't get you what you want.  Beat me or rape me.  Just get it over with."

The word tore through his mind – rape.  His woman.  They had touched his woman.  Spike's own rage filled his body.  "No one is going to hurt you, ever again.  I promise.  I'm getting you out of here."  Spike walked towards her, more determined than before.  He grabbed the chains suspended over her head.  He used all his vampire strength in an attempt to break the links, but they wouldn't budge.  "Bloody Hell."  Spike turned to the woman still staring at him.  "Slayer, I'm going to need your help.  The chain is too strong.  If we both pull on it, maybe our combined strength can break it.  Are you strong enough to try?"

"I'm telling you.  It's not going to work.  You can't make me believe you."  She moved her body as far away from him as the restraints would allow.  The movement betrayed her words.  She spoke with defiance, but her body revealed the truth.  She was scared of him.  Spike closed his eyes from the pain that knowledge brought.  When had she ever been scared of him?    

"Fine.  Don't believe me.  It doesn't matter.  Right now all I need for you to do is pull when I tell you to.  Are you up for that?"  Spike needed her help if he was going to free her.  Somehow, later he would make her understand.  He watched as a thousand different scenarios passed through her mind.  He knew she was looking for the angle, trying to find a way to make the situation work to her advantage.  She must have found one, because she nodded in agreement.  "Good.  On the count of three.  Ready?  One, Two Three."  Both the Slayer and the vampire pulled forward on the chains.  They exerted as much power as their bodies possessed.  Spike felt the chain give a little under the stress.  "I think it's working.  Just keep pulling."

Finally a link fell to the floor.  The minute her right arm was free, she through the rest of the long chain at Spike's head.  He was barely able to duck before the metal made contact.  Spike jumped backwards out of harms way.  "Slayer, if you are going to knock me unconscious at least wait until we can free your other arm.  Think woman!  What would you be able to do still chained to the wall?"  Her eyes flashed with confusion.  "We're going to try the other side.  Again, on the count of three."  Spike walked around her, grabbing the other restraint.  "One, two three."  

Spike didn't know how long they worked to loosen the other chain.  Its links were much stronger than the first, but finally, it too gave way.  And again, she lashed out at him.  This time Spike was prepared.  He easily sidestepped the flying metal.  But the force of the movement caused her to fall forward, landing face first into the ground.  Spike stood over her as he talked.  "You forgot about the manacles on your ankles."  

Spike tried to bend over to help her, but she pushed herself up and away.  "Why are you helping me?"  The Slayer looked up at him.  She was more wary than she had been before.  No longer the lioness.  Now she reminded Spike of a caged animal.    

Spike sat down on the floor across from her, making sure to keep a good distance between them.  "I've been trying to figure that out for months.  We'll rest for a minute.  Try to get your strength back."  Spike knew she was exhausted.  The fight with her arm chains had taken its toll on him, and she wasn't up to her best anyway.  For the millionth time since entering Hell, Spike wished he had a cigarette.  They sat together in silence.  She kept her eyes glued to him, waiting for an attack.  Spike stretched his body out on the floor, putting his hands behind his head as a pillow.  

Spike wasn't sure how long he had slept when the rattling of her chains woke him.  He opened one eye, turning his head to look at her.  It was an awkward position for her.  She couldn't turn around because of the shackles, so she was unable to grab the chains and pull.  She could only use her legs for strength, and that wasn't doing much.  "Hold on a minute.  Let me help."  Without thinking, Spike put himself in her line of fire.  He crawled over too her, positioning himself at her right leg with his back towards her.  She could have easily knocked his head off, but she didn't.  "Hopefully these chains are as weak as the first.  I'm going to use the wall to brace my feet as a pull.  Give me whatever help you can.  Now pull!"  The short chain broke easily, flying up and hitting Spike in the face.  "Bloody hell.  Why does every experience with you end with me having a broken nose?"  With his back still towards her, he missed the Slayer's small smile.  By the time Spike turned around, it was gone.  Spike crawled over her to get to the other chain.  "One more, luv, and you'll be free."                          

When the last chain was disposed of, the Slayer rapidly moved as far away from Spike as possible.  He sat up on his knees, shrugged out of his duster, and tossed it to her.  She quickly grabbed it.  Her eyes left him for several moments as she put on the offered cover.  Spike noticed her guard was down, if only briefly.  He sat down with his back against the wall.  "When did you change your mind?"  

She was still buttoning the duster as she spoke.  "When you left your back exposed.  No enemy would do that.  It would be certain death.  Only a friend would have that much trust."  She looked back into his eyes.  Now that the rage was gone, they were blank.  "How did you find me?"  

Spike let out an unnecessary breath.  How long had he been holding that in?  "Long story.  Tell you all about it later, pet.  Right now, we need to get out of this hole.  Find a safe place to hide.  Don't need to be found with our knickers down.  We have a long way to go before we're out of Hell."

She slowly rose to her feet.  The sleeves of the duster fell passed her arms; the bottom edge dragged the ground.  In any other place and time she would have looked like a child.  "No one will be coming.  They've tired of toying with me.  You are the first one who's been in here for years."  She walked over to stand in front of Spike.  "But we should leave.  And you need to tell me your plan for escaping this place.  Spike, I want to go home."

Spike stood up next to her.  Yes, it was time to go home. 

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"So the Powers That Be sent you to Hell to find me?"  Anne hadn't asked many questions as Spike told her the story of her death, Buffy's resurrection and the plan to collect the missing parts of the Slayer.  Like Elizabeth, Spike had given her a new name, not being able to call the broken woman who traveled with him Buffy.  She took the name the same way she took the information he gave her.  She was accepting and compliant.  Now that her torture was over, she seemed to shut down completely.  She showed no emotions, gave no resistant.  She reminded Spike of Buffy when she had first come back.  

"Guess I was the best they could do on short notice.  Do you know how long you've been down here?"  Spike had guided them back to a cave he was using as a hideout.  Although she believed the story Spike told her, Anne still wouldn't let the vampire get anywhere near her.  They sat on opposite sides of the small makeshift room.     

Anne shrugged her shoulders.  "I have no idea.  Seems like forever.  At first, I hoped you guys would find a way to rescue me.  After a while, I knew that wasn't going to happen.  It's good to know that Willow and the others at least tried to bring me back, even if it didn't work."  Anne's voice softened as she said the name of her best friend.  "I knew Wills wouldn't give up on me."

"Yeah, Red never gave up on you."  Spike wasn't sure what to say.  He hadn't told Anne much about the Scooby group.  Anya and Xander announcing their engagement.  Willow and Tara breaking up over the whole magic thing.  Giles leaving for England.  Right now, none of that seemed to matter.  She needed to cling to whatever illusions she still had left.  Soon, he told himself.  When she's stronger, you'll tell her the whole story.  "Look, Slayer, we need to find a way out of this place.  I concentrated all my efforts on finding you.  I'm not sure where the Gates of Hell are, but we need to find them fast.  Eventually, someone will find out you're not chained to that wall anymore." 

Anne looked down at the duster she was wearing.  "Before we do any of that, I need some clothes."  They had left Anne's clothes in the room where Spike had found here.  She said she never wanted to put those rags on again.  Spike had understood.  Besides being the clothes she had died in, they were also the clothes that had been ripped off her body when the torture first began.  The only article they had taken was her boots.  "Spike, give me you're t-shirt."

Spike shrugged his black button-up off, then pulled his t-shirt over his head.  Anne was already unbuttoning his duster.  Her next movement shocked him.  Without a glimpse of the modesty he knew Buffy possessed, Anne stripped of the duster, walked over to him and grabbed the shirt.  She wasn't the least bit bothered by the fact that she was naked.  Again Spike wondered what had happened to this part of the woman he loved.  He watched as she slid the black t-shirt over her slight frame.  Like the duster, the shirt was much too big for her.  She looked down at the length, then back at Spike.  "Do you have a knife?"  Spike pulled the switchblade from his back pocket.  Anne made a small slice in the shirt a couple of inches below her breasts.  Then she pulled the shirt off again.  "It's long enough that this might just work.  I think I can use the bottom of the shirt as a skirt.  What do you think?"

Spike was still transfixed by the naked body standing in front of him.  It took him several minutes to regain his voice.  "It'll do, I think.  At least until we can find you something else."  She had already finished cutting the bottom off the shirt.  She put the top back on, and stepped into the bottom of her makeshift skirt.  It was a little big, so she gathered the extra material, wrapping it into a knot at her waist.  The new skirt hit her mid thigh.  The top left her abdomen exposed.  

"It will do till I get home.  I won't wear anything from this God-forsaken place."  Finally content with her new wardrobe, Anne returned the knife to Spike.  "Now we need to do something about my hair."  Anne sat it front of Spike, her back facing him.  "Cut it.  Cut it short.  I don't want to be bothered with it anymore."  

Spike wanted to argue with her, but he couldn't.  He took a fist full of her hair.  "This might hurt a little."  Anne snorted.  The noise reminded Spike that the woman sitting in front of him understood the definition of pain better than he ever would.  Spike wondered how her experience in Hell would change Buffy once the pieces were reunited.  He wondered if Buffy, his Buffy, would remember the agony this woman had experienced.  They were both silent as Spike finished his task.  

Once he was done, Anne quickly moved away from him again.  She would be close to him when it was necessary, but she wouldn't stay close to him for too long.  The Vampire Slayer and the Master Vampire.  Such an odd combination, Spike thought.  She stood over him once again.  Her hands were splayed across her hips; her head was cocked to one side.  The vision took his unneeded breath away.  Even with the ultra-short, jagged haircut, she looked like Buffy.  And he loved her.  Spike realized she was waiting for him to stand.  Once he was up, he grabbed his duster off the dirt floor.  "I'm not sure where we are, or how far away we are from the Gates of Hell."         

Anne smirked, a look so close to one of his own.  "In other words, we're lost.  Should I expect anything else?"  Anne slowly shook her head.  "Come on, blondy.  If you found me, together we can find the Gate.  Let's do a little recon."  Anne turned away from him, expecting Spike to follow her out of the dark cave.  Always the boss, he thought.  Always in control.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"Would you stop looking at me like that!"  Anne was agitated.  "And quit laughing.  You promised me you wouldn't laugh!"  She rolled her eyes at the vampire sitting on the floor, clutching his stomach.  And to think, over the last hundred years she had actually started to like him.  

Spike wiped the tears from his eyes, trying to suppress another eruption of laughter.  "Sorry, pet, but what did you expect?  The cheerleader bit was hard enough, but May Queen?  The Chosen One, the Slayer of Vampires, Miss Kick-Ass herself, was May Queen.  Give a fella a break, Anne."  

Anne gave him a patented Slayer look.  "It's not THAT funny, Spike.  I did have a life before all of this started, you know."  Anne stuck her finger in his chest, punctuating her statement.

Spike huffed in her direction.  "If you consider that a life."  When he saw the fire start to rise in her eyes, he backed off.  "I mean, it's hard to picture, that's all."  

Anne took the semi-apology for what it was worth.  She had started swapping stories with Spike as a way to pass the time.  Finding the Gates of Hell was more time consuming than either of them had expected, but they were getting closer.  At least, they hoped they were getting closer.  "Well, it was hard for me to picture you as a poet, but I didn't laugh."

Spike gave her one of his own looks, arching his eyebrow.  "No, you didn't laugh, pet.  As a matter of fact you didn't say anything for days.  I think you were stunned speechless."  Anne laughed at that, making Spike smile.  

For the first time, Spike had developed a real friendship with another being.  Sure, he cared about the Nibblet; he played kitten-poker with the guys at Willie's; he had even been part of Angel's little family for years, but his relationship with Anne was different.  If he had to put a name to it, he would have called her his best friend.

Wandering around Hell was boring, especially when you were hiding-out.  They crept around corners, hid in shadows, listened for any clue as to where they were or where they were headed.  Early on, the pair had decided to relieve the boredom by exchanging battle stories.  Anne told Spike about her fight with the Master; Spike told Anne about escaping the mob in Prague, and on it went.  Neither judged the other.  They just sat and listened.

When the war stories were exhausted, they moved on to personal information.  For the first time, Spike heard the entire Angel tale.  How the Slayer and the souled-vampire had met.  The turmoil their relationship caused within the Scooby clan.  Jennie's part in the Angel/Angelus transformation.  What happened after Spike had left with Dru.  How Willow had managed to retrieve Angel's soul, but not in time to stop Acathala from rising.  Spike never knew that Buffy had killed Angel, not his evil counterpart.  Anne told him about Angel's return and his subsequent leaving.  It gave Spike new insight into the woman he loved.

Spike understood that Anne had given him a gift.  She shared Buffy's most painful memories.  He took the story as a sign of trust between them.  In exchange for that trust, Spike had told Anne about the real William.  The quirky, backwards poet he had been before Dru had turned him.  He told her about his family, his 'friends' and Cecily.  He told her about his transformation, not just from man to vampire, but from scared boy who hid from life to monster who thrived on power and destruction.  He was honest with her, never leaving out parts he knew turned her stomach.  He bared his non-existent soul.

Sometimes, when they slept, Anne would have nightmares.  Spike would wake-up to the sound of her screaming.  It was the only time Anne would allow him to touch her.  She would cling to him while the memories racked through her body.  She would talk about the torture she experienced, using the words to clear the demons from her head.  Spike learned about the beatings, the mind games, the rapes of both her body and her mind.  He never asked questioned, never spoke, just held her close.  When it was over, when the terror had passed, Anne would crawl away from him.  He knew she was as disgusted with herself as Buffy was – turning to a monster for comfort.  Anne would use his strength, his closeness, but she would never admit that she needed him.

Spike shook the sorrow from his eyes as Anne looked at him questioningly.  He didn't realize that he had drifted into his own thoughts.  "Sorry, pet.  Just thinking."

"About her?"  Anne turned her face away from Spike's probing eyes.  There were some things she couldn't share with him.  They were feelings that belonged to another woman.  What Spike never understood and something that she would never explain was that at night she didn't turn away form him because she was disgusted.  She turned away because she wanted more.  She wanted him.  She was in love with him.  But she would never betray Buffy like that.  "There are times when you look at me, I know you see her."  

Spike tried to make light of the situation.  "Well, you are her identical twin."  Anne could tell him everything about Buffy's past, but after that first night, she was uncomfortable talking about the Buffy that Spike had left behind.  He had tried to tell her about the Slayer's life since her return, but Anne always stopped him.  Somehow, it was too agonizing for her to hear.

Anne looked back at him, meeting his eyes with a seriousness that was almost painful.  "No, were not, Spike.  You know that.  We share the same history, but we aren't the same.  I couldn't be Buffy again even if I wanted to.  Things are different now.  I'm different."  Anne lowered her eyes, a signal that the conversation was over.  Spike remained silent.  It was another typical day in Hell.  

---TBC


	12. Back Among the Living

Summary:       Spike and Anne return from Hell.  Spike, once so sure of his feelings for Buffy, has his doubts about their relationship.

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Back Among the Living 

The last thing Spike remembered was running.  Running away from the demon dogs.  Running towards the Gates.  He remembered breaking the neck of the dog that had attacked him.  Remembered running to help Anne when she had been surrounded by them.  It seemed that someone had found out the Slayer was gone from her prison.  It was obvious the pack of dogs had been given their instructions – don't let the Slayer escape.  Only one had bothered to attack him.  The others had cornered Anne.  She was almost unconscious when Spike made his way to her.  He had picked her up in his arms and ran.  He still wasn't sure how they had even made it through.  He knew that later he would feel the pain of the bites that covered his body, but for now he felt nothing but relief.  

He willed his brain to clear the fuzzy vision in front of him.  He looked from on wall to the other.  If his eyes could be believed, he was standing in the middle of the upper part of his crypt.  Years in Hell made him realize that it could be a dream, but his senses screamed at him that all of it was real.  Not wanting to disturb the scene around him, knowing that any sudden movement would make the fantasy disappear, Spike slowly peered down into the face of the girl he carried in his arms.

No, she wasn't a dream.  Anne's face lay in the crook of his shoulder.  Evidence of the battle they had fought was everywhere.  He could see the tell-tale scratches and bite marks peaking out from below her shirt and skirt.  There was blood running down her arms and legs, some matted in her hair.  One of her small bleeding hands clutched his upper arm.  The other lay balled in a fist in her lap, dog fur peaking out from between the digits.  She was hurt; he had to get her home to Buffy and Elizabeth.  Spike bent his head to place a kiss on the warrior's forehead.  "Anne, pet.  Wake up now.  We're home."  

Spike's words were quite, but they penetrated Anne's sluggish mind.  She slowly blinked the sleep from her eyes.  When had she fallen asleep?  She turned her head, looking around the crypt.  At first, the images meant nothing to her.  Spike's crypt.  His television, his chair, the refrigerator in the corner.  Everything was so normal, just like the last time she had seen it.  Suddenly panic struck.  She started shaking her head.  "No, it's an illusion.  It can't be real."  

Spike would have laughed if it hadn't been for the terror evident in her voice.  He pulled her closer to him, offering her comfort.  "It's real.  As real as I am.  We made it, pet.  We're home."  She looked up into his eyes.  She could see the confidence in them.  If Spike believed it, then it must be true.  Anne began to cry.  "Now, none of that.  We need to get you to the house.  I think its daylight, so we'll have to use the sewers.  Do you think you can walk?"  

Anne brushed the threatening tears from her face, smearing blood across her cheek.  She closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer to a god she thought had forgotten her.  Home.  The word was almost foreign to her.  It was a memory, a dream that she kept locked away deep in her heart where the demons couldn't find it.  It was a place of safety.  An oasis, a refuge.  It was family and friends.  It was people she thought she would never see again.  And right now, it was her entire world.  When she opened her eyes, the strength that had kept her sane through thousands of years of torture was back.  She gave Spike a small insolent smile.  "Well we're not going to know until you put me down, are we?"  

The question reminded Spike that he still carried the bruised Slayer.  He gently let her legs drop to the floor.  "Sorry about that, pet."  Spike had watched the emotions play on her face before she had spoken.  This quiet, reflective woman he had rescued.  He wondered how she would react to the new world to which he had brought her back.  "How you feeling?"   

Anne still held on to Spike for support.  She was assessing the damage to her thighs as she tried to balance her weight on one foot, then the other.  "A bit wobbly, but I think I can manage a trip through the sewers."  She let go of Spike's arm, quickly grabbing it again when she felt herself swaying.  "Okay.  Maybe I'll just keep my hand on your arm for awhile."

Spike laughed at the irritation evident in her voice.  He placed his hand on top of hers to lend more support.  "Sorry, pet.  Guess you'll have to rely on me to get you home." 

Anne's eyes never moved from the spot where their hands lay joined on his arm, but Spike felt the change run through her entire body.  It was something he had grown accustomed to over hundreds of years in her company.  Her moods could shift like the wind.  She spoke in a voice that betrayed none of the emotion she felt.  "I always do."

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Anne's legs turned out to be a bit more wobbly than she thought.  The last part of the journey, she had almost fallen, prompting Spike to pick her up in his arms again.  It was work to get both of them out of the sewer and in through the backdoor without catching too much of the sunlight, but luck was with them.  There was a slight overcast in the Sunnydale sky.  

As Spike burst through the door, his voice filled the house.  "Slayer!"  It was one word, but it had the desired effect.  Immediately occupants of the small house started running out of every room.  Giles, Elizabeth and Dawn almost crashed into each other in their haste to make it into the kitchen.  None of them spoke as they stood transfixed by the sight before them.  The light streaming in from the open door framed the pair in a dim golden glow.  They looked more like a painting than reality.  For in what reality would a Master Vampire be holding a bleeding Slayer protectively in his arms?      

Anne was the first to break the weighted silence.  "Isn't anybody going to say hello?"  The glib comment brought the room alive.  Watcher, Slayer and Key stormed the two warriors, forcing Spike to take a cautious step backwards.  Everyone was talking at once, the sound deafening.  Spike pushed his way past them to the living room, the trio following.  He placed Anne on the couch, then moved back to stand with his shoulder against the doorframe.    

Elizabeth and Dawn sat on either side of Anne, both grabbing for one of her free hands.  Giles stood in front of them, cleaning his glasses.  "Thank God you're home."  It was Dawn's voice, filled with tears as she spoke.  She glanced in Spike's direction.  "Both of you."  

Anne squeezed her sister's hand, offering silent reassurance.  She turned to the woman sitting at her left.  "You must be Elizabeth.  Spike told me you were already here."  

Elizabeth smiled.  "Yes, I was the first.  Well, besides Buffy."  Her eyes roamed over Anne's face.  She had spent over a month dealing with one of her sisters, using her own knowledge of herself to decipher the workings of the other's mind.  Learning to see past the walls to the truth that lay hidden behind it.  She saw things in Anne that no one else would see.  Under the joy of being brought back, there was pain and fear.  "I'm glad you're home.  You're safe now."

Anne too immediately recognized and accepted the connection she shared with Elizabeth.  There were differences, but they were split from the same soul.  She drew comfort from the simple words, understanding their deeper meaning.  "Yes, I think I am."

Spike watched Giles' mouth turned down in a slight frown.  He immediately pushed himself away from the wall.  He could almost see the question forming in the Watcher's mind.  Giles had picked up on the safe bit, he knew he had.  Before the Watcher could ask anything of Anne, Spike made an inquiry of his own.  "Where's Buffy?"

The question had the desired effect.  Giles turned his attention to Spike, moving to stand in front of the vampire as he spoke.  "She's at work.  We didn't exactly know when to expect you back."  Giles' next movement caught Spike off guard.  The Watcher clasped the vampire in a clumsy hug.  "Thank you, Spike.  Thank you for bringing her back to us."  

Spike was too stunned to speak.  None of the Scoobies, besides Nibblet, had ever shown him the slightest affection.  Hell, they barely tolerated his existence.  A hug from the Watcher was not something Spike was prepared to deal with at the moment.  He stood as still as stone.  Once Giles loosened his hold and took a few steps back, Spike was a bit more comfortable.  Not able to meet Giles' eyes, Spike pointed in Anne's direction, mumbling,  "She's hurt."

Giles realized his outburst had placed the vampire in unfamiliar territory.  Thank yous, let alone physical displays of affection were uncommon events in Spike's life.  "Yes, I see that she is."  Giles turned back to the women on the couch, taking control of the situation.  "Elizabeth, why don't you help…"  Anne provided the name he was looking for.  "Why don't you help Anne upstairs.  I'm sure she could use a shower.  Then you can look at those cuts.  Dawn, go to the shelter.  Tell Buffy what's going on.  I'd call her, but I don't want to give her this information over the telephone.  Make sure she understands that both Anne and Spike are safe."  Dawn quickly nodded her agreement.  She gave Anne's hand a final squeeze before releasing it to stand.  She was almost out the door when she suddenly stopped.  She flew into Spike's arms, giving him a quick kiss and a hug.  The second burst of affection was over before Spike could react; Dawn was already out the door.  Next, Giles spoke to the befuddled vampire.  "Spike, I think you and I need to talk.  Shall we move into the kitchen?"  The two began to walk into the other room, but were stopped by Anne's voice.

Elizabeth was already helping Anne move up the stairs.  "Giles, he's hurt too.  Look after him for me."  The men watched as the two Slayers made slow progress, Anne's voice trailing behind.  "And Spike.  Don't leave."  

A small smile crossed Spike's face.  "Never, pet."  Spike wondered if the Slayer, any part of the Slayer, would ever believe him.  He had no intentions of leaving them, even if he couldn't be with them.     

Once in the kitchen, Giles pulled a bottle of scotch out of the cabinet.  "Normally, I'd say it's too early in the day, but convention be damned."  He raised on eyebrow in Spike's direction.  "Will you join me in a glass?"  

The vampire nodded his ready agreement.  He could definitely use a drink.  He watched as Giles poured two healthy doses of the amber liquid.  The Watcher looked older than he remembered.  Tired.  Yeah Spike had been stuck in Hell, but what kind of Hell had he left the rest of them in?  The waiting, the wondering.  "How long was I gone?"

Giles passed Spike a glass.  He took a drink before he answered, the liquor burning his throat.  "A little over a month.  I arrived shortly after you left.  How long was it for you?"  

Spike played with the glass in his hand, still not able to meet the Watcher's eye.  "Three, four hundred years.  I lost count."

Giles left out a ragged sigh.  If Spike was gone for four hundred years, then Anne – "Then she was in Hell for…"  He let the sentence drag off.  The realization took his breath away.

"An eternity."  Spike swallowed the lump in his throat.  "She was alone for an eternity."  Giles could only nod his agreement.  An eternity in Hell.  How could she have survived?  What had they done to her in that place?  Spike briefly glanced in Giles' direction.  Spike was counting on him to hold things together when he left again.  He needed a Watcher who was in control.  "She's a strong woman, Ruppert.  She made her way through it.  Don't blame yourself for a situation you knew nothing about.  It won't help her now.  And she is going to need your help."

Giles tried to shake off the melancholy surrounding him.  "Yes, they will all need our help."  Giles thought about all three girls.  How would their separate experiences affect them once they were joined together?  He poured another glass of the fiery liquid.  "I should call the others.  They'll want to know your back."

Spike snorted at the remark.  "They'll want to know SHE's back.  They could bloody well care less about me.  I'll just be slipping off to my crypt.  Tell Anne I'll be back to check on her later."  Spike made an attempt to stand, but the stab of pain forced him to sit back down.  He had almost forgotten the wound in his side.  The movement caught the attention of the Watcher.

Giles lowered his glass.  Lord, Anne had told him Spike was hurt.  "We should tend to that.  How badly were you injured?"  He rounded the center island reaching for Spike.

The vampire stood, this time prepared for the pain.  He moved away from Giles' hand.  He didn't want Giles' help.  Didn't want anyone's help.  All he wanted was to get out of the house before Buffy came home.  "I'm fine, Ruppert.  Just a scratch."  Hesitantly, Giles moved away from Spike.  "Look, there are some things I should tell you before I go.  She has nightmares.  Terrible nightmares.  They might stop now that's she's back, but I can't be sure.  Don't let the Nibblet wake her from them.  Let Buffy or Elizabeth do it.  She, she tries to fight before she wakes up.  She wouldn't want to hurt one of you."  Spike took an unneeded breath.  "Don't ask too many questions with the Nibblet in the room.  There are things Anne went through that Dawn doesn't need to know about.  It will only scare her."

Giles knew.  Deep down he knew what Spike wasn't saying.  Since finding out that part of Buffy was trapped in Hell, Giles had been hiding from the truth.  He had hoped that somehow she would escape.  That she would be spared the inevitable.  But it was time to face reality.  "Torture?"

Spike looked directly into Giles eyes, locking stares with the Watcher.  He was only prepared to say it once.  "She was raped, Ruppert.  Physically and mentally.  Don't push her."

Giles wanted to weep for his Slayer, his child.  The thin walls of his imaginary world tumbled down at Spike's statement of fact.  "No.  I won't question her about it.  If she wants to talk, I'll listen, but I won't probe."

Spike started this; he needed to finish it.  "Also, she isn't like Buffy.  She's been through too much on her own.  She can be crass and uncaring.  Watch her around the others.  They used images of all of us to torture her, to play with her mind.  I'm not sure if she can distinguish between what she knows to be real and what she experienced in Hell.  She may remember one of you doing or saying something that didn't really happen." 

Before Giles could comment, Buffy and Dawn came barreling threw the front door.  Buffy yelled as she entered, much the same way Spike had when he brought Anne home.  "Spike!"

Spike swore under his breath.  Bloody hell!  Now he would have to face her.  "In here, Slayer."

Buffy rounded the corner into the kitchen, not stopping until she was standing in front of the vampire she had missed for weeks.  There was blood everywhere she looked.  Tentatively she stretched her hand out to him.  If she touched him, then she would know he was real.  "Are you?…  Is she?…"

Before Buffy's hand could make contact, Spike stepped back.  At the small retreat, Buffy let her hand drop back to her side.  "She's fine, Slayer.  A bit smashed up, but nothing you haven't experienced before.  Elizabeth took her upstairs."  Spike couldn't let Buffy touch him.  He knew eventually Anne would tell her about the tortures of Hell.  Tortures administered by demons.  Soulless, evil creatures like him.  For the first time, Spike understood what they all saw when they looked at him.  He was unclean.  And he wouldn't allow her to dirty herself by touching him.  Not again.    

Buffy could only nod her head.  She was confused by her own emotions and Spike's actions.  Everything inside told her to launch herself into his arms.  To find strength and protection there.  But he had backed away.  He had called her Slayer.  He only did that when he was angry at her.  What had she done?  "I guess I should go check on her."  Buffy looked at Giles for confirmation.

Giles noted the confusion on her face and the silent retreat Spike had made.  "Yes, Buffy.  I'm sure she's finished with her shower.  Why don't you and Dawn go help Elizabeth with the badges.  If nothing else, I'm sure your presence will calm her.  I'll call Xander and Willow myself."

Reluctantly, Buffy agreed.  She was the Slayer.  She had obligations.  She didn't have time to deal with Spike.  He would wait.  She turned to walk out of the kitchen, Dawn trailing behind her.  With her back to Spike, she spoke to him once again.  "Thank you."  It was almost a whisper.

Giles saw the unmasked pain and love flash across Spike's face.  What the hell was going on between the two of them?  The man had just returned from Hell for God's sake.  Spike should be clutching Buffy to him, not pushing her away.  Giles watched Buffy turn the corner.  When he was sure she was out of hearing range, he turned towards Spike.  "What just happened?"  But his question was met by dead air.  The vampire was gone.

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Spike felt the man standing outside his crypt before he entered.  Briefly the thought past threw Spike's mind that Giles had never actually been inside his home before.  Spike chuckled.  The Watcher walked in much like the Slayer, not knocking, not offering a greeting.  He placed the bag he carried on the sarcophagus.  "Buffy sent me to take a look at those wounds.  Take off your shirt."

Spike wanted to argue, but he couldn't.  He knew this time Giles wouldn't leave him alone.  And it was obvious that the Watcher still had questions.  Spike stood up from his chair, doing what he was told as he walked over to Giles.  With some effort, he managed to work his way to sit next to Giles' bag.  

The Watcher worked in silence, inspecting each of Spike's wounds.  Most were shallow, already starting to heal with vampiric speed, but the one on his left side was deep and ragged.  Spike hissed through his teeth as Giles lightly poked and prodded at the gash.  "Demon dog?"

Spike raised his arm, craning his head to look at the wound.  "Took a bit of a nip as we were leaving."  Giles poured the antiseptic on the deep wound.  "Bloody hell, Ruppert!"  Spike yelled from the pain.  "It's not like I'm going to get an infection!"

Giles paid no attention to Spike's protests as he continued to tend the wound.  Once it was cleaned to his satisfaction, he covered it with a clean bandage.  He reached into the sack, pulling out a bag of blood.  He handed it to the vampire.       

Spike slowly took the bag of what he knew was human blood.  He wasn't thrilled about drinking it like this in front of Giles.  He missed the 'Kiss the Librarian' cup he had used when he stayed at Giles' apartment.  But he was hungry.  He morphed into game face, sinking his teeth into the treat.  

At the first taste, Spike almost spit the blood onto the floor.  He pulled the bag out of his mouth, looking between it and the Watcher.  Why had he given him this?  Giles' eyes never left Spike's as he spoke.  "There are three more bags.  Buffy had it drawn while you were gone."

Spike could only stare at Giles, confusion still playing across his face.  It was Slayer's blood in his hands.  Buffy's blood.  Spike shoved the bag back at Giles.  "I don't want it."  He had never taken blood from Buffy before; he wasn't going to start now.  

Giles pushed Spike's hand away.  "It will help with the wound.  Speed the recovery time.  I know you didn't need to feed while you were in Hell, but you need it now."  Spike continued to shake his head no.  "She wants you to have it.  She felt useless while you were gone.  This made her feel like she was doing something to help.  Would you just bloody drink it!"  With that, Giles turned his back on the stunned vampire.

Spike raised his eyes to the ceiling.  Could a vampire pray for guidance?  The taste of Buffy's blood was lingering in his mouth.  The demon inside him wanted more, but the man was reviled.  She had given him a gift.  But if he took it, how could he ever look at her again.  She knew the chip didn't work on her.  Would she always think he wanted another taste?  Would she ever let him get close to her again?

Giles knew there was a war waging behind him.  He hadn't been thrilled with Buffy when she announced her plan.  Giving free samples to vampires was not what a Slayer was supposed to do, but he remembered what she had said.  Maybe it would help Spike.  He repeated the comment.  "Part of her for part of her."

Spike's head snapped back into place.  It wasn't a gift at all.  She was offering him payment!  Spike's undead heart broke for the hundredth time.  Blood payment for the monster.  "Bugger me."  He drank the blood, wondering which one of them truly was the evil, soulless creature.   

When all four bags were finished, he jumped down from the sarcophagus.  Walking past Giles, he opened the small refrigerator in the corner.  Just because Buffy was a bitch, didn't mean he had to take it out on the Watcher.  "I don't have any scotch, but I can offer you a beer."

"No, thank you."  Giles watched as Spike grabbed a beer for himself.  "Our talk earlier was interrupted.  I'd like to continue it, if you feel up to it."  Spike motioned for Giles to find a seat.  Once they were comfortable, Giles started.  "What happened?"

Spike took a drink of his beer.  "When I found her, she was naked, chained to a wall.  She didn't believe me when I told her I was there to get her out.  That's how I found out about the mind games and the other.  In an attempt to break her, they invaded her mind.  Used whatever they found as a weapon against her."

"She won't let Xander, Willow or me touch her."  Giles was asking a question, not making a statement.

"She wouldn't let me touch her at first."  Spike's mind drifted back to those first few days with her.  "It took years, literally hundreds of years, before she stopped jumping away anytime I brushed passed her.  They never broke her, Ruppert, but they came damn close.  I wasn't lying about the nightmares.  She screams in her sleep.  It's a mix of pain and pleading.  It's bloody awful." 

Giles took a moment to digest the information.  He had told Buffy and Elizabeth about the nightmares before he left the Summers' house.  He didn't want to see Dawn hurt by her own sister.  "How much does she know about what's occurred in her absence?"

Spike ran his hand absently threw his hair.  "I told her about the resurrection spell Red performed, but she wouldn't let me tell her anything else.  Not about the Scoobies or Nibblet.  I didn't tell her that you had gone to England.  She didn't want to hear about anything that had happened since Buffy came back.  Doesn't even know the whelp and the demon-girl are engaged."

Giles nodded in understanding.  Things were starting to make sense.  "I figured as much.  Earlier she asked about Tara.  I made an excuse before the others could say anything.  Then I had Dawn telephone, asking her to come to the house.  I told them to say as little as possible until I had a chance to talk to you."

Spike knew the whole mixed up truth about the months she was gone would come as quite a shock to Anne.  "She used this perfect image of what she left behind to hold on for so long.  I think you should let Buffy tell her what's happened.  She may take it better coming from her."

Giles was finished for the moment.  The rest of the information he could get from Anne when she was feeling better.  He moved on to shaker ground, not sure what Spike's response would be.  "You hurt Buffy earlier."  At the vampire solemn expression, Giles continued.  "She didn't understand why you backed away from her."

Spike wanted to disappear.  Suddenly, he wasn't talking to the Watcher.  No, now he was talking to a concerned parent.  He couldn't explain it to himself, how was he supposed to make the Watcher understand?  He was too bloody old for this.  "Ruppert, that isn't something I'm going to discuss with you."

"Then you can discuss it with me."  Spike turned to look at the Slayer standing in his doorway.  He had been so wrapped up in his conversation with Giles, he hadn't even felt her presence.  Buffy took a few more steps into the crypt, keeping her eyes on Spike as she spoke.  "Giles, I left Elizabeth at home to take care of Anne, but…"

"Of course, Buffy.  I'll take care of them.  Not to worry."  Giles glanced quickly between the vampire and the Slayer before making his departure.  It was obvious that they needed to talk privately.

Buffy was mad, fuming mad.  Earlier she had been hurt, but time had turned that hurt to rage.  She had thought about the events of the last month.  How dare he treat her like that!  Buffy refused to walk any closer to Spike.  Being physically close to him always caused her problems.  She was prone to either kiss him or hit him.  Right now, she wasn't sure which she wanted to do more.  "You left me."

Spike again ran a hand through his hair.  She was really the last person he wanted to talk to right now.  He had just returned from Hell.  He need to sort through his feelings alone.  Couldn't anyone give him a moment's peace?  "I thought it was best to get out of the way.  Anne was home.  I did my job."

Buffy tilted her head.  He could be such a stupid vampire.  She crossed in arms in front of her.  "Not today.  You left me."

Spike forced out a jagged breath.  He knew what she was talking about.  He had left without telling her where he was going or why.  "Slayer, you know I had to go.  How long did it take Elizabeth to tell you?  Knew the girl couldn't keep a secret."

"We are not talking about Elizabeth."  Buffy's control was almost at the breaking point.  "You should have told me what was going on.  You had no right to do that without telling me."  

Spike could see that she was seething.  Nothing good was going to come of this.  "Slayer, I do what I want to do.  I don't answer to you."

"The HELL you don't!  When it involves me, you damn well do answer to me."  Buffy took a few steps toward him, anger ruling over her better judgment.  As her rage grew, so did her boldness.  

"It wasn't your fight."  Spike tried to make the comment sound casual.  He didn't want to do this with her.  Not now.  Not when things in his head were so mixed up.  "The Powers called on me, not you."

Buffy took a few more steps toward him.  She was standing in front of him now.  Her hands were instinctively balling into fists.  "I don't give a damn about the Powers.  If you love me, you should have told me what was going on.  I could have helped."

Spike stood to meet her.  When she got this angry, she had a tendency to pull stakes out of thin air.  Better to be prepared to defend himself.  He would let her rant and rave, and then get her out of his crypt.  But before he could answer her, his eyes caught the empty bags of blood still sitting on the sarcophagus.  Suddenly, he was just as enraged as she was.  "Well, it seems you found your own way to 'help', didn't you?  I should thank you for the blood.  It was more payment than I deserved."

That stopped Buffy.  Something wasn't right here.  Why was he suddenly so angry with her?  She glanced backwards, trying to find whatever it was that Spike was looking at.  "Payment?  What are you talking about?"

"A part of you for a part of you?  That's what the Watcher said."  This time Spike took a step in Buffy's direction, forcing her to move backwards.  "Don't worry, Slayer, you aren't in my debt.  The bill's been paid.  I don't want anything else from you."  There was loathing in his eyes.  "Now, get out."  

Buffy's mind couldn't understand how the conversation had changed so quickly.  She saw the empty blood bags.  He thought it was payment?  There was another battle going on in Spike's mind and she didn't have a clue what it was.  Her Slayer training took over.  Fallback, regroup.  She clung to the only thing she knew to be true.  "You love me."

Spike had never purposely lied to Buffy before, but it was too much for him.  Buffy's blood payment, Anne's torture by the demons.  He would never be more than he was, and it would never be what she needed.  No, he had to end it here for both their sakes.  He turned dead eyes to her hurt one's.  "It's been over three hundred years, Slayer.  Love dies."

He might as well have slapped her across the face.  Buffy's entire body trembled.  Her hand came up to cover the scream that threatened to escape.  She knew it would happen.  Love someone and they leave.  It was her personal curse.  Those words had done more damage to her than any punch he had ever landed, any kick he had ever thrown.  She was empty.  With tears streaming down her face, Buffy ran from the crypt.  

Spike slowly walked to the open crypt door, shutting it behind her.  For a moment he laid his forehead on the cool metal.  The last look on her face replaying through his mind.  He turned his back to the door, slowly sliding to the floor.  It was for the best.  He had to keep telling himself.  He was a monster.  He was evil.  He couldn't love her.  He didn't have a soul.  His voice was full of raw emotion as one word escaped.  "Buffy."

---TBC


	13. Foot in Mouth Disease

Summary:       Anne talks to Spike about the fight he had with Buffy.  She convinces him to apologize, but will Buffy listen?

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Foot in Mouth Disease 

Spike awoke to a candle hitting him dead center in the chest.  His hand went instinctively to the spot where the offensive object had painfully hit a bruise, but he didn't open his eyes.  He knew exactly who was standing at the foot of the couch.

"She did that to me once, you know.  Threw a bleeding candle at me.  Too damn scared to actually touch me to wake me up.  What's your excuse?"  Spike rolled over, leaving the woman to stare at his back.

"You made her cry."  It wasn't an accusation.  There were no angry emotions attached to it.  No, it was a statement of fact.  Spike just ignored her.  She walked around to the back of the couch, bending over to look at his face.  "You made her cry."

Spike rolled the other way.  If I say nothing she'll leave, he thought.  Suddenly, he felt another object land connect with his shin.  "Bloody hell, Anne.  Would you stop chucking things at me!  Vampire in pain here."  With a resigned sigh, Spike sat up on the couch, making sure to cover his lower body with his blanket.  Anne's lack of modesty always seem to inspire on overabundance of the trait in him.  

Anne walked over to his other side, sitting down next to Spike.  Her eyebrows were knit in confusion.  "You made her cry."

"Would you stop saying that!  I heard you the first time."  Spike reached for the cigarettes on his table.  "Did you come to tell me anything else, pet?"

Anne reached out her hand, stopping him before he could grab the lighter.  She waited until his eyes met her own.  Her tone was quiet and meaningful.  "William, you made her cry."

Spike lowered his head to his chest.  It was no use trying to avoid her.  After hundreds of years he knew that Anne was just as stubborn as he was.  They'd play this game all night if he didn't give in.  "Yeah, I made her cry."

Anne let go of his hand letting it fall to the cushion.  "Why?"  When Buffy had arrived back at the house, she had rushed past the Scoobies taking the stairs two at a time.  They heard the door to her bedroom slam shut.  No one had said a word, they had just stared at the ceiling.  A few minutes later they heard her sobs.  Elizabeth and Anne had automatically gone up to find out what was tearing at the heart of their soul-sister.

Spike wasn't sure what to say to the woman seated next to him.  His intimate relationship with Buffy was never something he had discussed with her.  Now, her not knowing, it was harder to explain why he had ended things with Buffy the way he had.  "I had to, pet.  Things couldn't stay the same between the two of us.  I had to let her go."

Anne knew much more than the vampire thought she did.  Once Buffy started talking, she wouldn't shut up.  "You love her.  You sleep with her.  You risk your life to find me for her.  And then you turn her away.  Spike, that doesn't make any sense."

It was Spike's turn to look at her in confusion.  "Who told you…"  Anne just wavered a hand in his face, acting like that didn't matter.  "No, I guess it doesn't matter.  I told her the truth.  Feelings change over three hundred years.  Whatever I felt for the Slayer is gone."  

Anne tilted her head.  "You're lying."  She watched as Spike shifted uncomfortable under her gaze.  "Her judgment when it comes to you is clouded.  All she sees is Angel and Riley and the hurt that went along with them.  But I don't.  I know you better than she does.  So if you think I'm going to fall for that load of crap, you can think again."  Anne took a deep breath before continuing, giving time for her words to sink in.  "Now, tell me why you did it."

Spike once again reached for his cigarettes, and was once again stopped by her firm grip.  Anne wasn't in the mood for stalling or distractions.  Spike let out a string of curses, none of which fazed her.  How could he tell her?  "Anne, I can't talk to you about this."

Anne stared at him for another moment, looking into the depths of his eyes.  She was searching for the answer there.  Spike was an open book if you just learned how to read his eyes.  "Me.  You pushed her away because of what happened to me?"  Anne jumped up from the couch.  "Are you a complete idiot?!"  Spike answered her with silence.  "What happened to me has nothing to do with her."

Spike's eyes locked with hers.  That statement he was prepared to argue.  "It has EVERYTHING to do with her."

Anne just shook her head.  "No, it doesn't.  Those things happened to me, Spike.  Me!  She's never felt what I felt.  She's never been through that kind of torture."

Spike's voice was a low growl, threatening, but at the same time it was heartbreaking.  "But she will.  When they join you together.  She'll feel it.  And she'll know exactly the monster I really am.  The same as the ones who did those things to you."  Spike looked away from Anne.

Now she understood.  Anne sat back down on the edge of the couch.  Her voice was calm, almost like a mother trying to explain away a hurtful situation to a child.  "But Spike, we aren't joined.  And those things didn't happen to her, they happened to me.  And in case you didn't notice, I don't think of you like that.  You are the only person besides Dawn and parts of myself that I can even stand to touch.  You're the person I spent hundreds of years telling my secrets to.  You're the person, who in those hundreds of years, never took advantage of me or my situation.  You're the person who saved me.  Which memories do you think will carry the most weight in her mind?"

"She paid me, you know."  Spike wasn't prepared to let go of the truth as he saw it.  No matter what Anne said, Buffy would always see him as the monster.  "She had the Watcher bring me her blood to feed on as payment for bringing you back."  

A sigh escaped from Anne's lips.  "She told me about the blood.  Spike it wasn't payment.  It was a gift.  She was so frustrated while you were gone.  She couldn't help.  She's the Slayer, and she had to sit on her ass while you did the dirty work.  You risked everything for her.  The blood was everything she had to give you in return."  Anne took Spike's hands in her own.  "Before the fight with Glory, remember what you said at the Magic Box?  Giles was explaining about the ritual.  Xander made some stupid comment.  Something like, why couldn't it be a lymph ritual.  And you said, cause it's always got to be blood.  It's always got to be blood."

Anne could see the confusion battling with the pain in his eyes.  He wanted to believe her, but something was stopping him.  "But, she had the Watcher bring it."

This time Anne's sigh was one of frustration.  "That was my fault.  I asked Giles where you were.  He said that you had gone back to the crypt.  I asked him if he had patched you up before you left.  He told me that you wouldn't even let him take a look.  Buffy asked how bad you were hurt.  I told her about the demon dog that attacked you.  Told her it had bitten you pretty bad.  Buffy was about to go after you herself, but Giles stopped her.  He told her that I needed her more than you did, but that he would take care of it.  Before he could leave, she told him to take the blood in the refrigerator.  She said if the bite was bad, it would help you recover."  Anne watched as understanding dawned.  "And if you had let her explain instead of making her CRY, you'd have known all of this by now."

Spike laid his head in his hand.  Nothing with the Slayer was easy.  Didn't he know that by now?  "I bloody well screwed it up this time, didn't I?"  Spike let out another round of curses.  He peeked through his fingers at Anne.  "She was really crying?  In front of the Scoobies?"

Anne knew that despite the lack of soul, Spike had a soft heart.  "Wailing like a banshee.  She wouldn't let Elizabeth or I out of her sight.  I'm only her because she finally fell asleep, and I had this crazy Slayer's instinct to come over here and kick your undead ass."

Spike smiled.  He really did like the chit.  She wasn't his Buffy, but she was special.  She had spunk.  "Let me get some clothes on and I'll let you do it."

Anne snorted her disapproval.  "Please.  Like I need your permission.  Hello? Chosen One.  I'll kick your ass whenever I want."  When Spike hadn't moved, Anne started pulling on the cover.  "But you are going to get up and get dressed.  You have an apology to make."

Spike grabbed the cover back from her.  "Hey now.  Let's not be eyeing the naughty bits.  Slayer will get right angry with you."  He wrapped the sheet around his waist as he stood.

Anne rolled her eyes to the ceiling.  It was a decidedly Summers' action.  "Fine.  I'll wait outside, but hurry up.  I'm not getting any younger."

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

By the time Anne and Spike made it back to the house, the Scoobies were gone.  Dawn had gone to bed hours before after Elizabeth assured her that Buffy was going to be fine.  Elizabeth too had gone to bed after Anne informed her she was going to talk to Spike.  

The Slayer and the vampire made their way up the stairs, trying not to disturb Giles who had passed out on the couch.  Once they were on the landing, Spike whispered, "It's a full house around here." 

Anne nodded, continuing to walk to Buffy's door.  "From what I'm told, they are preparing to house all four of us here.  Giles is crashing on the couch.  Dawn still has her room, but she'll move in with Buffy when we find the last missing part.  Willow is staying with Xander, so Elizabeth and I are bunking in Mom's old room."  The pair was standing in front of Buffy's door.  "And this is where I leave you.  Be nice."  Anne reached up, placing a kiss on Spike's cheek before going to her own room.  

Spike watched until she disappeared into Joyce's old bedroom.  He was alone now.  Just him and Buffy's door.  Well, he had never been a coward.  Slowly he opened the door, peeking around the corner.  "Buffy?"

Buffy was asleep in her bed, Mr Gordo clutched tightly in her hand.  With the moonlight streaming through the window, he could see the tear stains still present on her face.  His chest tightened.  He had done that to her.  Spike made his way into the room trying not to wake her.  He stood over the bed, just content for the moment to watch her sleep.  

But Buffy's sleep wasn't content.  As he watched, she started to toss her head back and forth on the pillow.  Her face was contorting as if she were in pain.  Whatever dream she was having, it wasn't pleasant.  Then he heard a single word pass her lips.  "Spike."  He bent down so he could hear more of her one-sided conversation.  "Spike, don't leave me."  Her free hand balled into a fist at her side.

With vampiric speed, Spike crossed the room to sit in the chair in front of Buffy's desk.  He shucked off his boots, then stood and dropped his duster to the floor.  Finally he slid into bed next to Buffy.  As he pulled her into his arms, he whispered in her ear.  "I'm not going anywhere, luv.  I'm right here."  Buffy instinctively curled into Spike's body, nuzzling his neck in an attempt to get closer, while Spike lovingly stroked her back.  God, he had missed her.  Missed her scent and the feel of her in his arms.  He still needed to apologize, but for right now, life was perfect.

He could tell that the patterns of Buffy's dream changed when she breathed a comfortable sigh.  He felt the small smile appear on her lips.  Spike kissed the top of her head, while he continued to whisper reassuring words.  

But somewhere deep in Buffy's subconscious, warning bells were going off.  Something was wrong.  Not bad wrong, but wrong all the same.  Reality was intruding on her new dreams.  Those hands she felt stroking her back weren't the hands of a dream lover.  No, those were real hands.  Buffy's eyes slid open.  The sight of a black t-shirt confusing her even more.  She took a deep breath, her lungs filled with an unforgettable scent.  Spike.  Scent of Spike.  Hands of Spike.  Someone was talking to her.  Voice of Spike.  Buffy's eyes opened wide.  

She pushed the vampire away from her as she scrambled towards the opposite side of the bed.  "What are you doing here?"  Her voice was low, in deference to her sister sleeping across the hall, but it was full of anger.

Spike rolled onto his back.  Knew that was too good to last, he thought.  "I came to apologize for earlier.  I was a bloody ass and I'm sorry."  He could have walked his way around it, maybe kept a bit of his pride in tact, but what was the use?  He would end up apologizing anyway.  "Now that I've done that, come back to bed, Buffy.  I've missed you."  

For a moment, Buffy just stared at him.  She couldn't believe it!  He climbs into her bed in the middle of the night, gives her a half-ass apology and thinks that everything is okay.  Buffy got off the bed, walking to her closet.

Spike raised an eyebrow, while he pushed himself up on his elbows to watch her.  "Buffy, luv.  What are you doing?"

Buffy was crouched down in her closest.  She had opened the lid of her weapons chest.  "Oh, nothing.  Just looking for something."  She rifled through the contents.  Triumphantly, she raised her hand, a stake tightly in her grip.  "Found it!"  

Spike was more than a little concerned as she approached the bed, threateningly waving the stake.  "Buffy.  You don't want to do this."  He scooted farther up on the bed.  "Luv, I am sorry about what happened earlier, I really am.  It was a mistake.  A misunderstanding."  Spike crawled over to the other side, trying to put distance between the two of them.  "Slayer, I love you.  You know I do.  I was just being male.  Come on now, put the stake down and we'll talk about this."

Buffy lunged over the bed in an attempt to reach the blond vampire.  There was death in her eyes.  "Stop moving!"  She made another attempt, but he skidded away.  "This would be so much easier if you would stand still."

Spike and Buffy continued the game of cat and mouse several more times around the bed.  She would attempt to stake him, while he run away from her.  "Luv.  I know you don't want to dust me.  A minute ago you were curled in my arms like a happy little kitten.  Admit it."

Buffy stopped her attack.  She placed a hand on her hip.  "A kitten?  Comparing me to poker winners, are we?"  

Spike's eyes darted around the room.  There had to be something he could use to calm her down.  "No!  Ah, that's not what I meant at all.  What I meant to say was –"

He never got the chance.  Buffy's next attack had him flat on his back on the floor.  She was straddling his hips, her stake dangerously close to his chest.  "Now, this is better, isn't it?  Much more natural.  Like, you know, a nature film.  Watch as the quick and resourceful Slayer dusts the stupid, lame, bleached blond vampire who was dumb enough to enter her room only hours after telling her to get out of his life.  Yep, loved those nature films in high school."  Buffy pushed the point of the stake into his chest.  "Sad part is, the animal always ended up dead."  

Spike's eyes widened in shock.  She was actually going to do it this time.  "Buffy, please.  I'm sorry, luv.  I was stupid and hurtful.  And you are completely right.  I have no business being in your room.  And definitely not in your bed.  But you were having a nightmare, and I was just trying to comfort you."  Spike's gaze kept switching between the stake and her eyes.  

Buffy raised the stake from his chest.  She sat back on her heels, as Spike took an unneeded breath.  "Yes, you were.  Stupid and hurtful.  You're gone for over a month and the first time I see you, you won't let me touch you.  Then I go to your crypt, and you throw me out.  What the HELL were you thinking?"

Relief washed over his body.  Spike should have known.  It was just another fight.  Getting a bit of her own back in true Slayer fashion.  Spike cautiously moved his hand to rest on her knee.  "As usual, I guess I wasn't.  But the blood.  The whole thing with the blood.  It was the last thing I expected."

Buffy casually played with the stake in her hand.  She had no intentions of putting it down just yet.  It gave her the advantage.  "I didn't do it to pay you off.  It was a gift.  And besides, that has nothing to do with what happened in the kitchen."  All day long Buffy had been looking at Anne thinking that she was the reason Spike had pulled away from her.  He said feelings change over three hundred years.  What if he loved Anne and not her?  Was the even possible?

Spike wanted to bang his head on the floor.  He couldn't tell her about Anne.  Wouldn't tell her about the torture.  That was Anne's choice, not his.  They were friends and he wouldn't betray her.  But he had to tell Buffy something.  "Slayer.  Things happened in Hell.  Things having to do with Anne."  Spike felt Buffy stiffen over him.  "Not what you're thinking.  I never touched her.  But things happened to Anne that affected me.  Affected how I saw us.  Not that there is an us.  I would never presume that you were anywhere near making up your mind about that.  But I was having trouble making some pieces fit."

Buffy looked deep into his eyes.  Yeah, he was telling the truth.  "What happened in Hell?"

Spike let out a long sigh.  "It's not my business to tell you.  Not my story to tell."

Buffy dropped the stake to the floor, letting her attitude drop with it.  She picked up the hand Spike had placed on her knee, playing with his fingers.  "She was in Hell, Spike.  I have a pretty good idea what happened to her."

Spike laced his fingers with hers, enjoying the contact of cool flesh to warm.  "Then you know why I freaked out in the kitchen.  But I'm not going to tell you anymore."  Spike brought her hand to his lips, kissing each of her fingers.  "Luv, I am sorry.  Do you forgive me?"           

Buffy leaned forward, bringing her forehead to rest on Spike's.  At the same time she stretched her legs out behind her, leaving her lying on top of the vampire.  "One time only deal.  Don't screw up again."  Spike wrapped her in his arms, happy to just hold her again.  Buffy moved her head so that it rested in the crook of his neck.

They stayed that way for some time, neither the vampire nor the Slayer wanting the moment to end.  It had been months – years since Spike had walked Buffy home from the Magic Box.  Buffy's mind drifted back to that night; the kiss and the conversation pushing forward in her brain.  Tentatively, Buffy raised her head and began nibbling along the column of Spike's neck.  She felt him take a quick breath, his arms wrapping tighter around her.  She squirmed on top of him, her hands slowly, but greedily grabbing at his skin.  No longer shy or gentle, Buffy took Spike's ear between her teeth, giving it a hard tug.  

Spike roughly grabbed Buffy's arms, pushing her several inches above his chest, holding her dangling there.  "Slayer, this isn't the time."  

Buffy locked her gaze with his.  It was the perfect time, she thought.  The lust swimming in his cerulean eyes matched her own.  With a practiced move of seduction, she ran her tongue across her lower lip, at the same time moving her legs suggestively between his.  When he groaned out loud at the invasion, Buffy raised an eyebrow in his direction.  "You sure about that?"

Spike's only response was to push her farther away, this time letting go of her arms and rolling to his side.  He needed to get away from her body.  With three feet of space between them, he answered her.  "I'm positive.  As much as I'd like to see how far you'd go with that little biting fetish you've developed, you haven't made a decision yet.  I promised you I'd stay away until you had.  You want me now, but you'd hate both of us later.  I'm not willing to take that risk."  Spike quickly stood, moving to the other side of the room.  

Buffy pushed herself up, kneeling next to her bed.  She laid her head on the mattress as she watched him pace.  She smiled as he reached for his cigarettes, thought better of it and let his hand drop back to his side.  He was right.  She hadn't made a decision.  Her recent fight with Elizabeth proved that.  Buffy's heart and mind were still waging a war inside over the Master Vampire.  Feelings versus common sense.  There were no easy answers.  "God, I hate it when you're right."

Spike stopped pacing.  He watched as she pulled the covers back and climbed into bed.  When she was settled and completely covered by the blanket, he sat down next to her.  "I'm sorry, luv, but one of us has to think beyond tomorrow.  And you do have a tendency to change your mind about things.  Especially about me."  Spike waited for Buffy to say something, but she didn't.  "I did what I came to do.  I guess I better be off."  

Buffy lightly touched Spike's arm before he had a chance to stand.  "Stay with me."  The look he gave her told her that he thought they had settled that.  "No, not like that.  See?  Me under the covers; you on top.  I just… I don't want to me alone.  And I missed you too."  

Spike was surprised by the omission.  It wasn't like Buffy to admit anything to him, nothing that personal.  Maybe spending time with Elizabeth had helped her get closer to the answers she was searching for.  Or maybe his absence had shown her how much she did care about him.  Whatever the reason, Spike was prepared to take full advantage of the situation.   

Spike would walk through daylight for her, and she knew it, so Buffy wasn't surprised when he stretched out on the bed.  Once again, she cuddled next to him, her head resting on his chest, his hand stroking her back.  "I'll stay, but I'll be gone by sunrise."  Buffy nodded.  "Tell me what's been going on while I was away.  Have you and Elizabeth been getting along?"

The last thing Buffy was going to do was tell him about the fight she had with her twin.  "Things have been different, but good.  Giles came back a few weeks ago.  He's been research man, as usual, but he can't find anything about joining us all together.  I don't think this has ever happened before."

Spike chuckled.  "Finally found something to stump the Watcher.  I'd be happy about it if we didn't need to find the answer so bleedin' bad."  

"Stop interrupting."  Buffy looked up, giving Spike a threatening look.  He just pushed her head back down onto his chest.  "Everyone else has been a little on edge.  You know, the whole Elizabeth thing.  I've caught Xander staring at the two of us a few times.  He gets that 'I'm not sure this is of the good' look.  For some reason, it doesn't seem to bother Dawn, but everyone else is wigged out."

Buffy stopped for a minute.  It was a cue that she was waiting for Spike to offer his opinion.  "Well, technically, Nibblet is as much a part of you as Elizabeth or Anne.  The monks made her out of you.  Maybe she feels the same way about them as you do, so it is easier for her to accept."

Buffy hadn't thought about that.  Dawn was like the missing parts.  "I missed the way you think about stuff."  Spike kissed the top of her head.  "Oh, I almost forgot!  I have a new job.  I'm the self-defense instructor at the Sunnydale Women's Shelter.  No more fast food for Buffy.  The pay's way better, I work less hours and I get to take some classes in the Fall."

Spike was relieved that she had found a new job.  It wasn't dignified for the Slayer to be working in a grease factory.  "And I'm sure the nazi-social worker finds your new occupation more to her liking."

Buffy groaned.  "Uh!  Don't talk to me about Social Services.  Do you know how hard it is to keep them from finding out about Elizabeth?  I told her it would make things so much easier if she would cut her hair.  That way we looked identical.  But, she refuses.  It's been a nightmare.  I don't know what we're going to do now that Anne's here.  It'll be like double-jeopardy."

Spike hugged her to him, moving her closer.  "You'll do fine.  You always do.  Moving on to happier subjects – how's patrol?  Any new Big Bads I should be worried about?"

Buffy wanted to laugh.  It was sad, but for the two of them, patrol was a much happier subject.  "No new Big Bads.  Your title's safe.  Actually, Elizabeth and I have been thinking about going after Rack.  His influence over Willow still bothers me.  She says she's okay, but I'd feel better if he was gone."

Spike nodded his agreement.  "Talk to Anne.  I'm sure the three of you can take care of him.  If nothing else, you'll have the element of surprise on your side.  He won't expect three Slayers.  And the nerds?"

Buffy shrugged her shoulders.  "I've been looking for them, but no sign.  Maybe they gave up?  I know they didn't, but a girl can dream."  Buffy tilted her head to look up at him again.  "Can't you help us take out Rack?"  

Spike knew Buffy wasn't asking for his help.  It wasn't her style.  No, she wanted to know how long he was going to be around.  "Don't want to promise you I'll be here when you decide to go after him, luv.  I have something else to take care of first."  

Spike tried to push her head back down, but this time Buffy wouldn't let him.  "I want to go with you, next time.  I want to help.  This is my fight."

Spike just looked into her eyes.  She really hated not being in control.  "Slayer, you have a new job, two new 'sisters' to look after and a powerful warlock to defeat.  You can't be jumping around dimensions with me.  I'll take care of this one.  You take care of the rest of the world."  Buffy wanted to protest, but Spike stopped her with a kiss.  When she was breathless and her brain a little fuzzy, he laid her head back down.  "Now, get some sleep.  You have things to do tomorrow."

Reluctantly, Buffy closed her eyes.  In her mind the conversation was far from over.  She would go with him to help.  Anne and Elizabeth could take care of things in Sunnydale.  After all, they were every bit the Slayer she was.  No, next time she was going with him.  But she could fight with Spike later.

---TBC


	14. Deeper into Darkness

Summary:       Another missing piece speaks to Buffy about Spike.  There is more to Anne than meets the eye.  Willow goes to far.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Deeper into Darkness 

Buffy wiped the sweat from her forehead.  Training with Anne was nothing like training with Elizabeth.  There was no boredom, no anticipation of movement.  Somehow, over the past two hours, Buffy had found herself knocked on her butt several times by her sister.  Buffy couldn't predict the woman's moves.  It was almost like she was training with –  "You trained with him in Hell, didn't you?"  Buffy threw her towel across the room as she questioned Anne.

Anne gave her the most innocent smile.  "Nothing else to do for hundreds of years.  Did you want me to be out of practice when I came back?  Of course we trained.  Picked up a few pointers from him too.  I almost forgot how good he was.  Still can't figure out why he was never able to kill us.  Don't ever tell him, but he's better than we are.  At least when he's serious about it."

Buffy flopped down on the floor, falling back into the mats, arms spread out around her.  Sarcasm seeped into every word she spoke.  "No.  It wasn't in my plan today to tell the Master Vampire, who already has an ego the size of a small state, that he's a better fighter than I am.  I may not be the most conventional Slayer, but even I don't give away battle secrets to the enemy."

Anne came to stand over the reclining Slayer.  Sure, at one point they had been the same person, had had the same thoughts, but currently Anne was having a difficult time understand how Buffy's mind worked.  Spike wasn't anymore the enemy than she was.  He was a vampire, yeah, but he was a friend and until recently, Buffy's lover.  Anne would never sleep with someone she didn't trust, especially after Parker, so she knew Buffy wouldn't either.  "You still think of him as the enemy.  Why?"

Buffy pushed herself up with her arms.  She had opened this can of worms.  She could smell another sister fight in the making.  "Vampire, remember?  That little chip stops him from killing, but without it, he'd be no different than hundreds of other demons I've dusted.  Don't be fooled by him.  He IS the enemy."

Anne knelt down so that she was eye to eye with Buffy.  Her movements were efficient and without Buffy's recent twitchiness.  Anne could sit for hours without moving a muscle.  There was a sense of outward calm about her.  But if you looked into her eyes, you knew it was a lie.  "If you really feel that way, then why not dust him now?  Why not stop him before he becomes a threat?  It would be the Slayer way."  Buffy's shifted uncomfortably under Anne's steady gaze.  "If you don't have the stomach for it, I'll do it myself.  Just tell me."

Buffy locked eyes with Anne again.  What had she just said?  "You'd kill him?  After everything he's done for you, you'd actually kill him?"  Buffy bolted up, shock pulsing through every fiber of her being.  "He risked his life to save you in Hell.  Was nearly torn apart by demon dogs.  And you casually talk about dusting him.  You ungrateful bitch!"            

Anne threw her head back, laughter spilling out around her.  She was shaking from the force of it.  After a few moments, she regained some control.  When she thought she could speak, she met Buffy's eyes once more.  Buffy's arms were folded in front of her, an eyebrow raised in question.  No, she didn't see the humor in any of this.  "Of course I wouldn't kill him.  Couldn't.  Anymore then you could.  Do us both a favor, Buffy – save the evil, soulless creature speech for someone who'll believe it.  Spike isn't our enemy, hasn't been for a very long time.  The sooner you stop acting like he is, the sooner the others will jump off the bandwagon."

Buffy picked at a loose thread in her training pants.  Her earlier anger replaced by nervousness.  "I don't know what you're talking about.  There is no band.  There is no wagon.  Hence, no bandwagon.  The others are fine with Spike."

Anne stood up casually making her way to the training room door.  She had no intentions of fighting with Buffy.  If she learned anything in Hell, it was that battling one's emotions was futile.  Emotion always won in the end.  Even if the current emotion was split between the two of them.  Anne stopped as she placed her hand on the knob.  "The others are still waiting for you to make a decision.  They would dust him tomorrow if you told them too.  Kiss him or kill him, Buffy, but make up your mind.  You're torturing everyone."  With that, Anne walked out of the room.

Buffy stared at the door.  First her fight with Elizabeth, now her, whatever, with Anne.  The whole missing-part thing was really getting on her nerves.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"They're like an exhibit at the Natural History Museum."  Xander whispered to Willow who was sitting next to him at the research table.  Buffy had called an all Scooby meeting to discuss taking out Rack.  Dawn, Anya and Tara were also present.  Giles was talking to the Slayers in the front of the shop while they waited for Spike to arrive.  Xander and Willow had been watching the three women for some time.  "Like that display they made us study in junior high.  The one the shows how our heads got bigger and our backs straighter and we lost all that hair."  

"The evolution of man through the ages, Xander."  Willow shook her head.  "I don't know.  I think they're more like Barbie dolls.  And they all come with different accessories."  She pointed to Elizabeth.  "There's high-school Buffy.  She's all cute and perky.  Wears her hair long.  Has nifty color-coordinated outfits for patrol.  Everyone likes her."  She moved her finger to Anne.  "There's oh-my-God-I-think-Faith-is-back-and-she's-switched-bodies-with-Buffy-again Buffy.  She has that cold-as-steel look in her eyes.  Her skirts are too short.  Her leather pants are too tight.  She scares everyone."  Willow pointed to her best friend.  "And then there's back-from-the-dead Buffy."  Willow frowned.  "She's, well, ah, confusing.  Nothing seems to make her happy, but nothing seems to make her mad.  She just floats along, like a jellyfish."               

Before Xander could comment on Willow's jellyfish theory, and he had a comment to make, the quiet conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Spike.  Even though the sun had set hours before, Spike had used the sewers to make his way to the Magic Box.  The sound of the basement storage door opening caused everyone to turn in his direction.  "Sorry I'm late.  Had to pick up a spot of blood on the way over."  All three of the Slayers smiled at him.  Same smile, same light coming to their eyes.  "Did I miss anything?"

Giles crossed the room.  "No, Spike, we haven't started yet.  But now that we are all here, I think we can begin."  The Watcher looked back at his charges.  "Buffy why don't you begin?  You said you had a plan."

Buffy walked towards the research table, letting her gaze linger on Spike who sat perched on the counter.  She let out an almost inaudible sigh.  Kiss him or kill him.  Why did she feel that eventually she would end up doing both?  She turned her attention back to the group.  "I have an idea, not really a plan.  Spike said something to me a few days ago, about the element of surprise.  I think Elizabeth, Anne and me should take him on ourselves.  Rack won't expect three Slayers to come after him.  But whatever we do, I want Willow far away from the action."  Buffy placed a hand on her best friend's shoulder.  "I'm not going to let him hurt you again, Wills."  

Willow layered her hand on top of Buffy's, giving it a little squeeze.  "I don't want to get hurt either, but I don't want to sit and do nothing, Buffy.  I might be the only one who can find him."

"I can find him."  Two voices spoke at the same time – Anne and Spike.  Buffy swung around to look at her double.  She knew Spike would be able to sense the moving magik-crack house.  He had once told her evil could detect Rack.  That's how his customers found him.  But Anne wasn't evil.  The other Slayer spoke before Buffy could question her.  "Believe me, I can sense evil.  Been around it for a long, long time.  If you focused, Buffy, you could sense it too.  So could Elizabeth.  It's a Slayer thing.  You use it all the time when you fight.  I just have better sensors right now.  Recently escaped from Hell, remember?  All kinds of evil in that place."  

Giles nodded in agreement.  "I never thought of that, but it does make sense.  You would be in tune with the evil, well, aura that Rack puts off."  

Elizabeth turned to look at her Hell-broken sister.  Such a mystery she was.  Elizabeth hadn't found the time to talk to Anne in private since her return from Hell.  The past few days had been spent dealing with the Scoobies reaction to the new Slayer, the fight between Buffy and Spike, and Giles' endless questions.  "Can you feel him now?"

"Let's find out."  Anne closed her eyes, concentrating on the evil that ran through Sunnydale.  It took her only moments to find him.  "Rack's place is in an alley by the old factories."  She opened her eyes, still concentrating on the evil she could feel down to her bones.  "There are also two fledglings getting ready to hop out of their graves.  Willy's doing good business tonight – about seven vamps, assorted humans, a couple of chaos demons and, ah, Clem.  There's a vengeance demon at the Bronze, but she doesn't seem to be looking for a customer.  And there is a group of demons, Moranga I think, performing some type of ritual at the Hellmouth.  No wiggins needed.  In general, Moranga aren't dangerous.  They're not trying to open the Hellmouth, just leaving an offering at the site."  A brief feeling of dread passed through Anne.  She shook it off.  Then, she turned to smirk in Spike's direction.  "And one very bad demon who could be arrested in several states for what he's thinking about right now, but nothing that would get him dusted."  Spike shifted uncomfortably.  "As long as the lady agreed, that is."  

Spike opened his mouth to speak, caught Buffy eyeing him, and promptly shut it.  So he hadn't been paying attention to the Slayers' conversation.  Okay, that wasn't true.  He had been paying attention to Buffy.  He was just more interested in the skimpy halter top she wore than in what she had been saying.  And he's mind had wandered from the back of her halter, to the skin beneath the front of her halter, and then to the rest of her.  It wasn't evil.  It was plain, old fashioned lust.  Nothing wrong with a good Slayer sex fantasy now and then.  Count on Anne to spoil the fun.  "It's impolite to intrude, pet.  Stay out of my evil thoughts and I'll stay out of yours."  Anne gave him a curt nod in agreement.

There was a collective jaw drop from the Scoobies.  Had Anne really just done what they thought she had done?  Tara was the first to speak.  "You could sense all that from here?  And y-you read Spike's mind?"

Anne shrugged her shoulders.  She knew these people were her friends, but sharing wasn't something she was accustomed to doing anymore.  It had been too long.  She should have kept her mouth shut.  "Been around him awhile.  I'm sort of tuned into his head.  The rest of the stuff was just general badies doing their thing.  Buf, I'm going to cut out for a few.  Take care of the fledglings.  I'll be back as soon as I'm done."  

Anne was gone before Buffy could offer a protest.  But Elizabeth saw the concern.  "I'll follow her.  You guys rough out a plan.  Whatever you come up with, we're in."  Elizabeth gave everyone a quick smile before she ran out the door after Anne.  They'd dust the vamps, then the two of them were going to talk.

Once the two Slayers were gone, Giles turned his attention to Spike.  Why had neither of them mentioned this to him before now?  "Explanation, if you don't mind."

Spike lit a cigarette.  Anya jumped up from her chair.  She walked around the counter, taking out an ashtray.  Xander and her had been garage sale shopping the week before, when she had come across the old brass and wood object.  It had reminded her of Spike.  If he was going to smoke in the shop, at least he didn't need to put the butts out on her floor.  She handed it to him without a word, then walked back to her seat.

Spike placed the ashtray on the counter next to him.  Had the demon-girl given him a present?  He would think about the meaning of that later.  "Normally wouldn't tell Anne's secrets, but since she brought it up, I guess it's okay."  He took a hit of the cigarette.  "She learned to meditate in Hell.  I know it doesn't seem like the best place to learn something like that, but she used it as a way to escape in her mind.  Now she can use it to do other things."

"Like super spidey-sense?" Xander asked.  He looked around the table at the others who were all giving him the 'ah, what' look.  "Buffy's got spidey senses; Anne has super-spidey sense."

Spike jumped down from the counter, shaking his head.  "Bloody hell, whelp, do you read anything besides comic books?  Yes, like super spidey-sense."  Spike briefly raised his eyes to the ceiling.  How had Ruppert put up with them for so long?  It was enough to make a sane man go daft.  "The thing with me, well, it started in Hell.  If she concentrates enough, she can take a peak into my mind.  Doesn't work on everyone and it isn't automatic.  She went searching in my mind on purpose."  Why I have no idea, he thought.

Buffy turned to Giles, silently questioning the Watcher.  She was doing that a lot lately, ever since Spike and Anne had returned from Hell.  Buffy's connection to Elizabeth had been quick and painless, but there were things about Anne that gave her the heebie-jeebies.  She had briefly spoken with Giles about it.  He understood her skepticism over the newest side to the Slayer personality.  Anne was the closest Buffy had ever come to her own dark side.  Even her short detour into Faith's world hadn't prepared her for the likes of Anne.  "I would say, it's an extension of her Slayer abilities.  A gift she's learned to cultivate over time.  Technically, no Slayer has ever lived as long as she has.  It's impossible to imagine the capabilities she has discovered and refined."  Giles looked back at Spike.  "Are there others of which you are aware?"

"She was reading my mind!"  Buffy's outburst startled the group.  "We were training earlier, and she kept beating me.  I couldn't figure out why, since training with Elizabeth is always so boring.  She was reading my mind.  Looking to see what I was going to do before I did it.  Oh, that is so totally unfair!"  

Spike chuckled.  "Yeah, that sounds like Anne, luv.  I told you, Ruppert.  She isn't like Buffy.  She'll take advantage of any situation.  She was probably walking all around in your head, Slayer, and you never knew she was there."

Xander banged his head on the table.  "Oh God.  Not again."  He was remembering the last time Buffy had mind reading abilities.  He couldn't even be in the same room with her without embarrassing himself.

Willow and Buffy exchanged looks, then promptly burst out laughing.  They immediately told the high school story so the others could share in the joke.  "Poor Xander.  All he could think about was –"  Buffy was cut off.  

"I don't think we need to share that much, Buf.  Everyone gets the idea."  Xander looked nervously in Anya's direction.  "Maybe we should get back to Giles' question.  About the other super-duper Slayer stuff?"  The last thing Xander needed was a no-I'm-not-still-in-love-with-Buffy fight with Anya when they got home.  

Spike raised on eyebrow in Xander's direction.  He didn't need Buffy to tell him what Xander had been thinking about.  He had a damn good idea.  He knew he never liked the whelp, now he was sure of it.  "Like I said, not one for telling Anne's secrets.  You'll have to ask her when she gets back."    

Giles sighed.  "Yes, it would be better if we asked her directly."  He took his handkerchief out of his pocket to clean his glasses.  "Maybe we should get back to the problem at hand.  Earlier today I did some research on Rack.  At one time, he was said to be a warlock with enormous power.  His gift, I guess you would say, was in stealing the powers of other magical creatures.  Somewhere along the way, he, well, short-circuited his own powers.  He became addicted to the temporary high that the energy imparted.  Now, I would put him in a class with all other junkies.  He feeds of the energy of warlocks, witches and the like, but all it does is give him a mystical high.  The only magical ability he posses is in directing, or manipulating, his clients.  He puts them on the path, then residually shares in their experience."

"Your telling us, he wants Willow back so he can get a contact buzz?  That's what this is all about?"  Buffy carefully avoided looking at Willow as she spoke.  Nope, didn't want to associate magically induced drug highs with her best friend. 

Giles on the other hand, stared straight into Willow's eyes.  The girl had been meddling in magiks she had little control over for some time.  And this is where she had ended up – a conduit for a junkie.  "Yes, Buffy.  Willow's magik is strong, but unfocused.  Rack would find her the perfect candidate to manipulate."  Willow at least had the decency to blush.  "I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, Willow, but it is the truth.  You let your emotions guide your spells, that's why most have unpredictable consequences.  Rack can sense that, and he is using it to his advantage."

"But the demon that attacked us."  Dawn hadn't completely forgiven Willow for the car crash, but she couldn't sit by while Giles' words hurt someone she loved.  "Rack sent that after us.  Didn't he?"

Giles took a deep breath.  This was going to be unpleasant.  "No.  Rack didn't send that creature after either of you.  It was a manifestation of Willow's mind.  Something she let loose into this dimension while she was under Rack's influence.  I suspect that it stalked the two of you because it had close ties to Willow.  She was the only thing it recognized in this world.  You, Dawn, happened to get in its way and were hurt because of it."

The tears that had been threatening to fall finally burst through.  Willow hugged her arms tight around her while she rocked back and forth in her chair.  "All of this is because of me.  Dawn getting hurt.  Buffy's split personalities.  I'm the cause of all of it.  I probably have something to do with the nerd trio too.  How can any of you stand to be in the same room with me?"

Buffy wanted to offer Willow some comfort, but before she could reach her best friend's side, she was unceremoniously pushed out of the way by Giles.  The Watcher grabbed the arms of the hysterical wiccan.  When he spoke his voice held no comfort.  "Yes.  This is your fault.  Over the past few years, you have proceeded to escalate powers you knew you had no control over.  Instead of mastering one skill and then slowly moving to another, you have drawn on magiks you are ill equipped to handle.  You have manipulated people's minds, you have played with the natural workings of the universe.  You have abused or broken all the laws that govern the workings of true magiks.  And now you and everyone else around you is paying the price for your childish behavior."  

Suddenly, Giles' body was thrown across the room.  Willow's eyes were black with power.  The tears of moments ago completely gone.  "Willow!"  Tara screamed at her love.  "Willow, stop!"  

At the sound of Tara's voice, the black drained from Willow's eyes.  She looked around the table at the stunned and frightened Scoobies.  They were afraid of her?  Willow ran across the room to kneel next to Giles.  "Oh my god, Giles.  I didn't mean to… I didn't know I… Are you okay?  Did I hurt you?"  Willow reached a shaking hand out to the fallen Watcher.  

Buffy's own hand stopped the motion of Willow's.  "Don't touch him, Wills."  Buffy pushed the witch away from her Watcher.  "Giles, are you okay?"  Willow scrambled to a corner of the shop.  Tara went to her side.  

Giles hung his head in sadness.  He hadn't wanted it to come to this.  He had hoped he was wrong.  That Willow wasn't as lost as he suspected her to be.  "Yes, Buffy.  I'm fine.  But this cannot continue.  I'm sorry."  

Buffy nodded in agreement.  She turned to look at Willow as she talked to Giles.  "What can we do?"  Willow was curled into a ball, once again crying.  Tara was whispering in her ear, slowly stroking her hair.  

Giles managed to push himself up into a sitting position.  "There is a coven in San Francisco.  They are teachers of the true magiks.  They may be able to cleanse the darker power from her.  Teach her how to harness her aggression.  Set her back on the right path.  They can help her to recover.  But she needs to go, immediately."

Buffy was still watching the two witches in the corner.  Tara looked up.  "I'll go with her.  I'm not leaving her alone.  We'll leave tonight if you think its best, Giles."  Tara's eyes were filled with love and pain.  Like Giles, she had hoped Willow hadn't become lost in the magik it was now apparent controlled her.  But to attack Giles…  She had gone too far.  There was no way to ignore it now. 

---TBC


	15. Leaving for the Greater Good

Summary:       Elizabeth finally has a talk with Anne.  Willow is sent to San Francisco.

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Leaving for the Greater Good 

Anne had been right about the two fledglings in the Restfield Cemetery.  It had only taken minutes to dispense with the inexperienced vamps.  The two Slayers were slowly making their way out of the cemetery and back to the Magic Box.  Elizabeth was trying to find a way to open the conversation with Anne.  They needed to talk.

Anne stopped in her tracks.  "Shit!"  The brief exclamation was followed by a short burst of violence.  With one swift kick, the agitated Slayer broke a tombstone into pieces.  "Damn!  Damn!  Damn!"

"Anne, what's wrong?  Did you feel something?"  Elizabeth turned around in circles, looking for whatever it was that had set Anne off.

The other Slayer suddenly remembered she wasn't alone.  "Yeah, something's wrong.  I need a drink.  Come on.  Spike will have a bottle in his crypt."  She swung back into the cemetery, not waiting to see if Elizabeth would follow.  Once they reached the inside of the crypt, Anne made quick work of finding the whiskey she knew Spike would have.  She took three healthy gulps straight out of the bottle, then casually offered the liquor to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth wrinkled her nose.  "No way.  You know what that stuff does to us.  When did you start drinking it?"  Anne shrugged her shoulders, taking another drink.  She was obviously not going to answer Elizabeth's question.  The 'younger' sister sat down on the arm of Spike's couch.  "What's got your panties in a twist?  I'm thinking you felt another baddie out there.  Why the karate-chop to the tombstone?"

Anne sat down on the floor in front of Elizabeth.  Might as well tell her the truth.  "Willow let loose with the bad mojo."  Elizabeth stared to stand.  "Sit back down.  She didn't hurt anyone.  Well, Giles might be a bit roughed up, but Buffy's taking care of it."

Elizabeth was confused.  "If Giles is hurt, we should get back."  Anne made no move to get up.  "How can you sit there like nothing happened?"

Anne rolled her eyes and took another drink.  "I told you, Buffy is taking care of it.  So are the rest of the Scoobs.  It's a family thing.  They don't need us around right now."

"But we ARE family!"  Elizabeth's voice reached the ceiling.  She looked down at the still unconcerned Slayer sitting on the floor.  "You knew something was up earlier.  That's why you ran out of the shop.  What exactly did Willow do?"

Confession was never a Slayer strong suit.  But truth be told, Anne wanted to talk to somebody about it.  She just couldn't handle the looks from the rest of them.  Not yet.  "I didn't know anything was going to happen, but I did feel something earlier.  That dip into Spike's brain was me trying to change the direction of my thoughts.  I felt Willow.  The bad vibe she was putting off.  God, how can you NOT feel it?  She's dripping with it!  She's so far over the edge, she can't even see the cliff."  Anne wiped her hands over her eyes in frustration.  "I felt her energy spike.  I knew she did something.  I touched Spike and Buffy's minds.  Watched the rest from there.  Willow threw Giles across the room, but he's okay.  Buffy has the sitch under control.  They're going to send Wills away.  To a coven Giles knows about.  He thinks the other witches will be able to help her.  Tara's going with.  I think they're leaving tonight.  See?  There's nothing for us to do."

Elizabeth's mouth was open in shock.  Anne had felt all of that?  "We could be there for support.  We could help Buffy and Dawn and the others.  This is going to be painful for them.  You must know that."

Anne just laughed.  "I must know that?  I don't know that.  I don't know anything about them.  These people you call my friends?"  Anne stood up, hands flailing around as she spoke.  "While I was being tortured in Hell, all I could think about were my friends.  How much I missed them.  How much I wanted to be back with them.  Wondering every second of ever day if they were dead or alive.  Wondering about Dawn.  How she was dealing with the death of another person she loved.  They were the only things keeping the demons from completely destroying me.  And this is what I come back to."  She sent the now empty bottle crashing against the stone wall.  "Willow helped keep me in Hell for thousands of years by screwing around with things way beyond her control.  Xander is so preoccupied with his own self-doubt that he couldn't see her slipping away.  Dawn has no one to talk to and has become a juvenile delinquent.  Giles left her, left his Slayer, to deal with it all on her own.  Even I can see it was too much for her.  And Buffy.  God, she hates it here as much as I do.  She wishes she was back six feet under the ground.  So explain to me again why I should even care about the pain they are going through."

Silent tears rolled down Elizabeth's face.  This woman of mystery standing in front of her.  This woman filled with hurt.  "Because we love them.  No matter what happens.  We love them."  She wiped the tears from her cheek.  "I'm sorry the world you returned to doesn't match the perfect memories that kept you alive in Hell.  I'm sorry that you had to go through everything you went through to come back to this.  I'm sorry that these people are human and they make mistakes and they royally screw things up.  But I'm not sorry that you're back, or that I'm back.  And I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself or for you or for Buffy.  This is it.  This is the world.  Deal with it."  Elizabeth took a rehearsed Slayer stance in front of her twin, hands braced on either hip.  "Now pull yourself together because we are going back to the Magic Box and we are going to comfort our friends.  You are going to help Buffy and Dawn in anyway you can because it's what we do.  And tomorrow you are going to explain to Giles about the mind probing thing and any other little tricks you managed to pick up along the way.  Do you understand me?"

Anne was almost as shocked as Elizabeth had been a minute ago.  What the hell had just happened?  Did she really think talking to another piece of herself was the answer?  Someone she couldn't hide from.  Someone who knew the way her mind worked.  Anne had been wallowing in self-pity for days and Elizabeth had effectively slapped her across the cheek with her simple speech.  Yeah, the world sucked; deal with it.  Be a Slayer.  Do your job.  Love your family.  Get through it together.  Was there really any other choice?

Anne nodded her head in agreement.  Elizabeth tentatively held out her hand to her sister.  Anne grabbed it with the force of a woman drowning.  She needed the lifeline.  This little argument wasn't the end of it, but it was a good beginning.  Instead of pushing everyone away, maybe she needed to cling to them for support.  The same type of support that her friends needed now.  Together, hand in hand, the two Slayers walked back to the others at the Magic Box.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY         

When they walked in, Giles was on the phone with the head of the San Francisco coven.  He had called right after the scene at the Magic Box.  The coven was more than happy to accept Willow and Tara into their fold temporarily.  They would make every attempt possible to guide Willow back to the correct path of true magik.  Giles talked to them for several hours arranging details while the others offered comfort and support to each other.  Although Anne still couldn't stand the touch of anyone else, she was able to hold on to Dawn.  Her little sister was scared.  No one knew how long Willow would be gone, but everyone knew this was the best thing for her.  Even Willow herself was slightly relieved.  She was tired of battling the forces inside alone.

Several times Buffy looked in Spike's direction, not knowing how the vampire was dealing with the emotions spiraling around the room.  At one point he opened his arms to her.  She fell into them, needing the strength she found in his protective embrace.  In all the emotion turmoil recently, he was her rock.  

The next night, everyone met at Buffy's house.  They were all going with Giles to drop Willow and Tara off in San Francisco, except Spike.  The trip would take two days.  Spike agreed to say behind to patrol.   Before the wiccans could protest and before he had time to talk himself out of what he was doing, Spike grabbed both the girls in a bear hug, telling them to take care of each other.  Then he was gone into the night.  If anyone was surprised by the outward display of emotion from the vampire normally reserved only for Buffy or Dawn, they made no comment about it.     

The scoobies divided up into two cars.  Anya, Willow and Tara riding with Xander in his car.  Giles driving Joyce's old SUV with Buffy, Anne, Elizabeth and Dawn.  Several times during the trip, occupants switched cars so that everyone could spend time together.  

The San Francisco coven had a mansion in one of the suburbs of the main city.  The members of the coven, mostly women, were very hospitable.  They gave the group a guided tour of the house and offered each of them a room to stay in for the night.  In the end, Buffy, Willow and Xander stayed together in one of the larger rooms.  They were awake most of the night, talking about good times, remembering past evils that had all fought together.  It was a core Scooby pajama party.  And it was something all three needed.

The next morning, the healer of the coven, Delia, examined Willow.  She found exactly what Giles had suspected.  Willow had great power, back a lack of focus.  Her emotions permeated her spells, making them unstable and dangerous.  Her direct contact with Osiris in performing the resurrection spell had made the situation worse.  The spell needed to be guided and controlled by several well-trained wicca.  The power that had gone through her was intense.  There were remnants of it all through her aura.  It needed to be cleansed.  Rack's dark magik was also interfering with Willow's inherent power.  The first ritual Willow would undergo would be a magik detox.  

Giles met privately with the head of the coven, an old woman named Patience.  She possessed the strongest magiks of all the members.  In confidence, he explained the other situation the small group was dealing with at the time.  Although Patience had not come across a spell that would recombine the splintered essence of the Slayer, she promised to make subtle inquiries among her colleagues throughout the world.  Any information she found, she would pass along to Giles.  

Hugs, kisses and tears were shed as the group readied themselves to leave.  Willow promised to call every week to keep the others informed of her progress.  Tara told Dawn she could call anytime she wanted to talk; the two having a special relationship that had nothing to do with Willow or Buffy.  Xander made a few stupid jokes, trying to lighten the mood.  Buffy told Willow she would keep her in the loop about the missing pieces.  

At one point Giles asked to speak to Willow alone.  The exchange between the two was brief.  Giles told Willow that he loved her, would always love her.  She was one of his special children.  And he was proud of her for agreeing to the help she needed.  Willow again told Giles how sorry she was for everything that had happened and promised to do her best.  She didn't want to lose him as a friend or a mentor.  She loved him too.

For portions of the ride home, Xander and Buffy rode alone together in his car.  The loss of daily contact with Wills hit them harder than the rest of the group.  Especially Xander.  Willow had been his best friend since, well, forever.  He couldn't recall a time when they had been more than a few streets away from each other.  Definitely not entire cities.  Although they didn't talk, each friend was comforted by the other's presence.

It was late when they arrived back at the Summers' house.  Dawn was the first to burst through the door.  She hoped Spike would be back from patrol.  He had promised to stop by to see how things had gone in San Francisco.  She had a million things to tell him about the ride, the witches they had met and the house they had stayed in.  But she didn't find Spike.  All she found was a note.  

"Uh, Buffy.  You might want to read this."  Dawn handed the note to her sister before Buffy was two-steps inside the house.

"What?  What is it?"  Buffy read the brief note, written in sweeping Victorian hand.  "That son-of-a-bitch."

By now all the Scoobies were slowly filing into the house.  Anne grabbed the note from Buffy, read it, then passed it along to Elizabeth.  "Well, at least he told you this time."

Giles looked between the three Slayers and their younger sister before settling his eyes on Buffy.  It had been a long two days.  He was not in the mood for cryptic conversation.  "Told you what, Buffy.  What does the note say?"

Buffy sat down on the stairs in the foyer.  She lost three friends in one day.  Even if the loss was temporary.  "He's gone.  While we were away.  The Powers sent him to find the last missing piece."  She slammed her fist into the banister next to her, splintering the wood.  "He did it to me again!"

---TBC


	16. This Can't be Happening

Summary:       Spike goes on the hunt for the third missing piece.  He could never dream of what he finds.

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

This Can't be Happening 

Spike hated jumping through that portal.  The experience even gave his demon pause.  To be on top of that building, looking into the swirling light.  His mind flashed back to the night Buffy had died.  Was that what it had been like for her?  Not really knowing what would happen when she jumped, but knowing it had to be done?  He was beginning to think these little adventures were causing more headaches than they were worth.  That, plus the fact that he broke his leg when he hit the ground.  Lord, he was a mess.  Broken bones, healing bite marks.  When this was over, he wasn't going to leave his bed for a month.  A quick smirk creeped across his face.  Maybe the Slayer would join him.

The Powers hadn't told him where he was going.  No, they had invaded his mind, pushing him to the building on Stanton St.  It had taken all his will power to make it to Revello Dr to leave the note for Buffy before he had given in to the increasing pressure in his brain.  But he knew the note was important.  Buffy had been mad enough the first time he left, she would be mad at him again when she found out he had left without her.  Not leaving a note was out of the question.

Spike sat on the ground taking stock of the situation.  It was night.  The Powers had been nice enough not to drop him into full sunlight.  But exactly where had they dropped him?  It definitely wasn't the demon dimension he had expected.  This was the place Glory had come from?  It looked like, hell, it felt like his own world.  Spike was sitting in the middle of a cemetery, and he could swear he recognized the statue to his left.  If he didn't know any better, he'd say he was in SunnyD.

On shaky legs, Spike managed to stand up.  The first thing he needed was a crutch.  Then he would find a place to hold-up while he looked for the Slayer.  Maybe he would do some recon tonight, if he had time before the sun came up.  According to his internal clock, he had a couple of hours before that was going to happen.  

He dragged his leg behind him as he made his way to a tree with low hanging branches.  Spike was able to break off a few sturdy branches to help him with his leg.  He sat on a tombstone, tearing his blue shirt into strips to tie the wood to his leg like a split.  The longest piece he used as a make-shift crutch.  Once that was complete, he roamed the tombs, looking for an unoccupied crypt.  

The one he found made all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.  His crypt?  What the devil was his crypt doing in the middle of this cemetery?  He slowly pushed the door open.  Okay, so it wasn't his crypt.  Inside he didn't find his frig or his telly or his chair, but he could swear the sarcophagus in the corner looked familiar.  At least the damn thing was empty.  It would do as a headquarters until he found out where he really was.          

Still some time before daylight; might as well have a wider look around the area, he thought.  Spike walked to the entrance of the cemetery looking around for clues to his whereabouts.  The street in front of him looked like any street he would have seen at home.  He limped down the sidewalk, looking at the familiar surroundings.  This was getting creepier and creepier by the minute.  

Spike didn't realize his subconscious was directing the movements of his feet until he came to the signpost that marked an intersection for Revello Dr.  Actually the intersection closest to Buffy's house, which he could see from where he stood.  "Bloody hell!"  Okay, maybe he was dreaming the whole thing.  Maybe the Powers hadn't sent him to another dimension.  Maybe, just maybe, he was asleep and all of this was some strange nightmare.  Well there was only one way to find out.  

But the sun, at least he thought it was the sun, was starting to rise in the East.  Now was not the time to test his delusional theory.  He'd go back to the crypt and get some sleep.  Either he'd wake up from this dream, or he'd still find himself here to deal with it tomorrow.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

When Spike woke up he knew he was still in his alternate reality.  The homey touches of his crypt were still missing and his leg was still broken.  Now, to top things off, he was hungry.  Great.  At least in Hell he hadn't needed to eat.  

Spike made his way back to the house he had seen the night before.  He'd just go up and knock on the door.  What else was he supposed to do?  If this was some different plane of existence that mirrored his own, maybe whoever lived in the house would be able to tell him where the Slayer was.  Right now, it was his only lead.  

Spike hesitantly knocked on the door, a door he had grown quite accustomed to just barging through.  When no one answered, he knocked slightly louder.  His apprehension grew.  If this place was anything like Sunnydale, the residence might not take kindly to strangers knocking on their door after dark.  Spike wasn't sure he could run if a protective property owner came at him with a stake.  Core, this was a bad idea.

Spike had almost talked himself into leaving when the front door swung open.  He shifted his gaze downwards to look at the small child standing in front of him.  The girls' eyes brightened when she saw who had been knocking at the door.  "Uncle Willum!"  The girl, all of about seven years old, started jumping up and down.  "Mommy!  Mommy!  Come quick!  It's Uncle Willum!  And he cut his hair!"  

Spike was completely frozen to the spot.  Uncle William?  The child knew who he was?  Or at least she thought she knew who he was.  Every instinct told Spike to get the hell off the porch.  Something was definitely wrong.  But then the girl's mother came into site, and he's heart lurched to the floor.  

Buffy swept the happy girl into her arms.  "How many times have I told you to ask who it is before opening the door, Nibblet?"  She turned a brilliant smile to the man standing on her porch.  "William, I wish you had told us you were coming.  We weren't expecting…"  The smile quickly faded from Buffy's eyes as she recognized the vampire standing before her.  "Oh my God, Spike!  Is that you?"

Spike, Master Vampire, Scourge of Europe and Big Bad extraordinaire, fell to a dead faint.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY   

Spike woke to find a stake being pressed menacingly into his chest.  The owner of the stake looking quite menacing herself.  He reached a hand up to touch her face.  "Buffy."

Buffy batted away the hand of the vampire draped across her couch.  She put slightly more pressure on the stake she held over his heart.  "I haven't done this in quite some time, but I haven't forgotten how, so don't lie to me.  And remember, I could always tell when you were lying.  Do you still have the chip?"  Spike nodded his head in answer.  "Does it still work?"  Again Spike nodded.  "Were you sent to find me?"  Spike nodded.  "Giles?  Willow?"  Spike shook his head no.  "Then who?"

Spike chanced a small smile.  "That's a bit of an involved story, luv, but basically the Powers sent me."

Slowly Buffy pulled the offending object away from Spike's body.  She sat back on the coffee table, giving him the opportunity to sit up on the couch.  "First they send Whistler, now they send you.  Whenever they get involved in my life, bad things happen."  Buffy pushed her hair out of her eyes.  "I suppose why ever you're here has to do with an undefeatable demon, a hell-god or an apocalypse.  Am I right?"

Spike wasn't sure what was going on, but that was fast beginning to feel like familiar ground to him.  "Not exactly.  I was sent to find you and bring you home.  That's all.  No baddies attached."

Buffy cursed under her breath.  "Damn.  It's worse than I thought."  She chanced another look in Spike's direction.  "Hobble into the kitchen.  You can explain everything in there."  Buffy was already walking into the other room.  "I suppose your hungry too?"

Spike scratched his head as he watched her departing form.  Well, nothing left to do but follow her.  "Wouldn't mind a pint or two if you have it around.  Maybe a cup a' cocoa, if you can spare it."

Buffy laughed as she opened the door to the refrigerator.  "You want tiny marshmallows too?"

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

There were several interruptions to Spike's tale.  All of them coming from Buffy's three children.  None of them could understand why their mommy had sent them to their rooms when Uncle William arrived.  They liked Uncle William.  He always brought them presents and he could do that cool thing with his face.  Buffy had patiently explained to them that the man sitting in the kitchen wasn't their Uncle William, but it was her friend Spike.  They remembered her telling them about Spike, right?  It had taken some time, but she had managed to scoot all of them to bed, with the promise to explain things in the morning.

Spike was totally fascinated by the children and by the woman they called mother.  She resembled his Buffy, but she was older.  A little over ten years older, he'd say.  Her hair fell in long waves down her back.  Gone were the blond highlights; her hair a pale milk chocolate brown.  There were laugh lines around her mouth and eyes, giving her a softness he had seldom seen in Buffy before.  It made her look more like Joyce, he thought.  

And the kids.  He could see bits and pieces of her in them too.  He had always wondered what Buffy's children would look like.  It was one of the daydreams about the Slayer he loved most.  If she lived long enough to have kids, and obviously, if she found a man to have them with.  It was his own form of sweet torture.  But now, he would never have to imagine again.  All he'd have to do is bring to mind the picture of the three little bits who had come marching into the kitchen to question their mum – Dawn, Xander and Willow.  Whatever had happened, Buffy had never forgotten the family she left behind.  

"Sorry about that."  Buffy sat back down on the stool next to the island.  "They can be tenacious.  You were telling me about Anne?"

Spike shook his head to break the spell.  "Yeah.  So anyway, the Powers popped me down to Hell to find her.  Took a bit, but we managed to escape.  Been home only a few days and they send me here to find you.  Believe me, pet, this wasn't the dimension I thought I'd find you in.  From the look of the monsters coming out of the portal, I would have thought you were thrown into another part of Hell, not this mirror image of Sunnydale."

Buffy looked down into the cup on the counter in front of her.  "This isn't the dimension I jumped into, Spike.  I was brought here by the people who found me in Glory's dimension."  She looked up into Spike's questioning eyes.  "Maybe we should continue this tomorrow.  It is getting late and I have an awful lot to explain.  I know you have all kinds of questions, and you've been wonderful not asking me about the kids.  Come back in the morning.  I'll tell you everything."

Spike knew a dismissal when he heard one.  No use arguing with the Slayer.  He wouldn't get the story out of her tonight.  "I'll be back, but not in the morning.  I know it's been a while, luv, but sunlight and vampires don't mix, remember?"

Buffy gave him a knowing look.  "Oh, but, Spike, here they do.  They mix quite well."

---TBC


	17. A Slayer's Tale

Summary:       Buffy explains how she came to be.

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

A Slayer's Tale 

Spike was lounging on the top of the sarcophagus when Buffy walked into the crypt the following morning.  "I knew I'd find you here.  This place always reminds me of home.  I guess you felt the same way."  She tossed a brown paper bag in his direction.  "Eat up.  You're going to need your strength."

Spike took the blood out of the bag.  It looked to be similar to the blood Buffy had given him the night before.  Cows blood, he thought, but in a clear plastic package.  Almost like the plasma bags he bought at Willy's when he had the money.  Never one to be shy about his eating habits, he greedily sunk his fangs into his breakfast.  As he drank, he watched Buffy wandered around the crypt.

"I haven't been inside this place in years.  I mostly just sit out front, remembering.  The first time I found it, I had been here less than a week.  I spent a lot of time walking through the cemeteries back then.  I know it sounds strange, but it made me feel closer to all of you.  Over the years, I spent more time in Sunnydale cemeteries than in any other part of town.  Being here was… comforting."  She smiled at a favorite memory.  "When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I spent all night sitting in this room.  I talked to mom.  I talked to all of you.  I wished so much you could be here to share in it with me."  Buffy's eyes had glazed over at the slight pain the memory caused.  So much time, she thought.  But she shook the sadness away.  She had a story to tell.  "Let's take a walk.  If you can stand it with your leg and all."

Before Spike had left the night before, Buffy had made a proper splint for his leg.  She had also loaned him a crutch she had stored in her basement.  "The leg will be fine, it's the sun I'm worried about."  Spike gingerly scouted off the top of the sarcophagus.  "Still a vampire, pet."

Buffy grabbed Spike's free hand, giving it an impatient tug.  The movement, so easy and carefree.  He couldn't remember Buffy ever touching him of her own free will.  Normally, she made every effort not to touch him.  Well, unless it had to do with sex.  But this was different.  It was a gesture she would make to a friend.  "You are so not going to believe this one."  Spike had no other choice but to follow the Slayer to the door of the crypt.  He stopped abruptly at the opening, almost throwing both of them off balance when Buffy tried to continue through; her hand still wrapped around his.  She gave him an exasperated look.  "You are the most stubborn man!  I swear this won't hurt."  Spike looked into her eyes.  She wanted him to trust her.  He let the Slayer guide his hand into the morning sun and waited for the pain.

But the pain didn't come.  Buffy watched the emotions play across the vampire's face as she slowly turned his hand in all directions.  The sun was warm and bright, and Spike knew he hadn't felt anything like it in years.  Even when he had the Gem of Amara, he had been so single-minded about destroying the Slayer, he hadn't let himself enjoy his brief emergence into light.  Buffy again gently tugged on his hand.  "Come on, Spike.  Come outside with me.  It's a beautiful day."

Holding breath he didn't need, Spike stepped out into the full light of day.  And it WAS the most beautiful day he had ever seen.  And although it was painful to eyes that were unaccustomed to the light, he lifted his face to the sun.  "Bloody hell!  It's blue!"

Buffy laughed, still dragging him further away from the shadowy entrance of the crypt.  "And it's the reason you can walk in the daytime.  The sun is blue here, not the yellow-white you are used to.  Spike, there are so many things here that you aren't used to.  And I'm going to show you all of them."    

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Buffy knew she needed to tell Spike her story, but right now she was having too much fun just watching him enjoy the day.  It was a perfect first day for a vampire who had spent over a hundred years trapped in darkness.  The blue sun cast a softening glow over everything it touched.  The slight chill of early morning air had broken, leaving the day balmy.  It was almost too warm for Spike to wear his duster, but she knew he wouldn't take it off.  And she didn't want him to.  How many times had she imagined him just like he was right this second?  Bleach blond hair and black leather coat, standing under her sun.  It touched something deep inside her.  Something she thought had long faded away.

If Spike had turned to look at her at that moment, he would have seen love flowing unguarded from Buffy's eyes.  For him, the intensity of it would have eclipsed the brightest sun.  But he didn't turn to look at her.  He was lost in his new world.

Buffy pulled herself together before she approached him.  "You need a decent pair of sunglasses."  She again grabbed Spike's hand.  "We'll walk into town.  I know a great little store where we can get you a pair.  Then, we'll stop by the deli, grab a couple of sandwiches, some blood, and have a picnic in the park."

The pair made slow progress into town, Spike wanting to stop and look at everything they encountered along the way.  Flowers, trees, the sun shining off a red convertible, water glistening in a birdbath.  No detail too large or small to escape him.  By the time a pair of sunglasses was purchased and lunch was obtained, it was nearly 1:00 in the afternoon.  They stopped by Buffy's house along the way to the park, picking up a blanket for the ground.  Spike asked about the children.  Buffy told him she had left them with the sitter.  Her tale was going to take longer than the one Spike had told last night, and she didn't want the interruptions.

When they were both seated on the park lawn, she began.  "I thought about this all night.  I think the best thing I can do is bring you up to speed as quickly as possible.  The details you can read about later.  I kept a diary of everything that happened to me.  I thought I'd give it to Giles when I got back.  At first, I wrote in it everyday.  Now I write in it every week or so, or when something important happens.  You'll be able to find out much more than I could ever tell you in a day."  Buffy broke eye contact with Spike.  The beginning was always hard for her.  "I'm not exactly sure what happened to me when I jumped into the portal.  At first, it was peaceful.  I just hung there in the air.  It was almost like flying.  But it didn't last long.  Suddenly, I was in a terrible place.  It was Glory's hell dimension.  The things that came through the portal were babies compared to the monsters I saw.  I fought what I could, hid from the rest, cried a lot, and tried to stay alive."

Buffy took a deep breath.  "There were other humans there.  After a few days or weeks, I'm not sure which, I ran into them.  They were fighting something enormous.  It looked like a dragon with two heads.  I helped out, picking up a sword that had fallen from a dead man's hand.  After the creature was killed, I stayed with them.  No one seemed to question my presence.  They thought I was one of them.  They had a small camp hidden in the caves of a mountain.  You could barely call it shelter, but it worked.  I had the first food I hadn't had to kill on my own.  And I slept for the first time without worrying about the monsters outside."

"But in the middle of the night, something woke me.  It was a familiar feeling, but it felt so out of place.  I felt vampires.  See, I hadn't seen a vampire in Glory's dimension, so the feeling of one so near, really set me off.  I woke up swinging.  It took four of them to hold me down, and another to wrestle the weapon away from me.  They thought I had gone insane.  They tied me up and left me in the cave while they went to fight."

"Once they returned, the leader started questioning me.  He was a vampire, full game face.  But his eyes were green.  This sounds stupid, but it was the strangest thing I had ever seen.  I mean, Slayer, used to looking into the golden eyes of a vamp.  Green wasn't something I had ever seen before.  I refused to tell him anything.  Eventually, he let someone else question me, a human.  I didn't know what the hell was going on, and I finally broke down.  That's when they realized I wasn't from their world."

"See they were from here.  Amara.  That's where you are right now.  The gem in the ring you found, it came from this dimension.  It houses the power of the blue sun.  That's why you were able to walk in the daylight when you held it, and that's why you can walk around here.  The Amarians, I swear that's their name, were defending a rift in their own dimension.  Their people were working on a way to close the rift that was created when Dawn's blood opened the dimensional portals.  When I jumped, it closed the portal in our dimension, but it didn't help the others.  I guess it really did need to be Dawn after all."

A slight shudder past through Buffy's body.  "Anyway.  They left me tied up.  Not trusting me, and I don't blame them.  But they did take me back with them when they left the hell-dimension.  The people I was with, they were a fighting unit.  Part of an army.  An army that is controlled by the Watcher's Council."

Buffy stopped for a moment, waiting for Spike to question everything she was telling him, but he just motioned for her to continue.  "This world is a mirror image of our own, with a few slight changes.  Here, vampires and humans co-exist.  The Watcher's Council is made up of both.  They protect this dimension from invasion by others, and control the evil element at work.  It's much easier than at home.  Everyone here has Slayer strength.  It hits during puberty, just like mine did.  Giles would be in heaven if he could spend one day talking to their historians.  The first Slayer was probably sent by the Amarians to our dimension to help battle evil.  They have sent emissaries all through the dimensions."

"I was brought before the Council.  I told them my story and they believed me.  I was the explanation they had been looking for in regards to the rift in dimensions.  I stayed with different members of the Council for weeks, answering questions while they furiously wrote everything down.  I also made a friend."  Buffy smiled at Spike, placing her hand on his cheek.  "William is a member of the Council.  I met him the third day I was there.  He is the spitting image of you, without the bleach in your hair.  At first, I thought it was you.  It took him forever to convince me we didn't know each other.  He must be what you were like before you were turned.  He talks like Giles and he wears silly tweed jackets.  But he has your honesty and your blue eyes."  Buffy let her hand fall back to her side.  

"He's also a vampire.  To me, he was a link to home.  Even if it was a false link.  But at least I didn't feel alone anymore.  When I started recognizing continents and countries and cities on maps, they decided I had come from a parallel universe.  We looked for me here, looked for mom, Giles, Dawn, Willow, Xander, Tara, Anya.  Anyone and everyone I had ever known.  But we weren't able to find them.  William thinks even though this place is a parallel to ours, it isn't an exact replica.  Everyone I know might be here, but they could have different names, live in different places.  There really is no way of knowing.  The fact that I recognized anyone at all is still a mystery to them."

"The Council agreed to help me adjust to this place.  They felt a responsibility for me because I was a Slayer.  At first, I went along with them.  I knew eventually you guys would find a way to get here.  If it was possible, Giles would find the way.  So I asked if I could go home to Sunnydale."

"William came with me.  He helped me find a job, find an apartment.  He stayed with me while I adjusted to living a 'normal' life.  He even helped me contact the owner of my old house.  That's how I met Tony, my husband.  He lived in my house."

"I don't know what I would have done without William or Tony.  The first year I was here, they were everything to me.  I would wake up screaming from nightmares.  I would lose myself in hysterics, thinking all of you were dead.  I constantly felt the need to patrol.  The vampires walking around during the day gave me the wiggins.  I was a mess.  But slowly, I moved past it."

"Tony and I dated for almost two years before we got married.  I was pregnant in less than a month.  And that scared the hell out of me.  A Slayer isn't supposed to live long enough to get pregnant.  I was a basket case through the entire pregnancy.  But the moment I saw Dawn, I knew I was where I belonged."

"I've been here for twelve years.  Dawn is nine, Xander is seven, and Willow is three.  She'll be four next month.  I have a husband who loves me.  And a life I wouldn't trade for anything on the planet.  I still think about all of you every day.  Think about everything I've missed."  The tears were flowing like a river down Buffy's cheeks.  "I wanted Giles to give me away at my wedding.  I wanted Willow to be the godmother of my children.  I wanted Xander to hang out with Tony and teach him to build things.  I wanted Tara to calm me down the first time Dawnie fell and skinned her knee.  I wanted Anya to teach the girls about sex because I won't be able to get through the conversation.  I wanted Angel to see that I finally found my normal life."  Buffy reached for Spike's hands.  She almost broke the bones with the force of her grip.  "And I wanted you to walk in the sun with me."

---TBC        


	18. Interlude

Summary:       Buffy, a wild night out and a hangover – 'Nough said.  

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Interlude 

Buffy woke up the next morning with a splitting headache.  Her stomach was doing flip-flops and her eyes refused to focus.  Even pulling the covers over her head to block out the morning light was a chore.  She moaned to the empty room.  Maybe going to the Bronze with Anne hadn't been the best of ideas.  God, that girl could drink!  And Buffy had been in such a bad mood; she had tried to keep up with her.  Mistake number two.  Buffy could hear Anne's voice echoing in her head.  "It's all mind over matter, Buff.  If you think you're not drunk, then you're not."  Yeah.  Like THAT worked.  Buffy had been so trashed; she couldn't remember how they got home last night.  And she didn't want to think about it now.  Thinking hurt.  No, she'd just lie in her bed and die quietly.  

At least she would have if Anne hadn't come trampling in right that minute.  There are elephants in my room, Buffy thought.  "Wake-up, sleepy head.  We have a busy schedule."  Anne flopped down on the edge of Buffy's comforter making the bed shake.  Buffy's moan was louder this time.  That had to have been an earthquake, she thought.  When Buffy didn't move, Anne slowly pulled the edge of the covers back from Buffy's face.  "You alive in there, Slayer?"  

Buffy tentatively opened her left eye.  Anne smiled brightly back at her.  Bitch.  "Go away.  Far, far away."  Buffy pulled the cover back over her head.  Couldn't they just leave her alone to die? 

"Oh for heaven's sake!"  Anne unceremoniously yanked the covers from Buffy's hands.  "It's just a lousy hangover, not the end of the world."  She managed to strip the comforter and the sheet completely off the bed before Buffy could react. 

Buffy groaned.  The light was too bright.  With her eyes still closed, she groped for a pillow then smashed it to her face.  Beautiful darkness once again.  Her voice was muffled as she spoke.  "End of the world I can handle.  Cheerful, not-hungover twins are another story."

Anne sat back down on the bed, shaking her head.  "I think I'll put up a sign in Willy's place.  I see pink neon against a black background.  'Alcohol – the only way to kill a Slayer.'  What do you think?"  

Buffy carefully lifted the edge of the pillow, making sure the light of day didn't penetrate too far into her blissful dark world.  "Not all Slayers, obviously.  Just me.  YOU seem to be perfectly fine."

Anne bounced on the bed a few times, sadistically finding pleasure in Buffy's continued groans.  "Don't whine.  It's not attractive.  I'm older than you and can hold my liquor better."  After a few minutes, when it become apparent Buffy wasn't going to give up the corpse routine, Anne decided to take pity on her twin.  She moved off the bed and to the window, swiping the comforter off the floor as she went.  Once the comforter was hung over the window, effectively blocking out the light, she turned back to Buffy.  "Okay, little girl.  The big, bad lights gone now.  You can come out of hiding."

Again, Buffy peaked out from under her protective pillow.  "Oh, darkness.  How I love thee."  Buffy moved the pillow down to her chest.  "But I'm still not moving.  It's too painful."

Anne sat back down at the corner of the bed.  "Wait a minute there, sis.  We have plans to make, demons to kill and a living room to clean up.  You don't get a free pass today just because you tried to drown yourself in liquor last night.  Can't pay the time, shouldn't do the crime."

As Anne's words slowly started to penetrate her brain, Buffy's eyes flew open.  "What's wrong with the living room?"

The smile that spread across Anne's face was wicked.  "You don't remember?  Of course you don't remember.  Just an FYI, never, never drink anything called a Vulcan Mind Probe, and definitely never drink three of them after having, oh, I don't know, a quart of tequila."  Buffy cringed.  "Yeah, I said a quart.  And what's wrong with the living room?  Well, once I dragged you off the table you were dancing on, away from the boy you were dancing for, and out of the Bronze, you decided to get a little violent when we got home.  Kept telling me nobody could tell you what to do.  You were in charge of your own life.  You'd sleep with who ever you wanted to sleep with.  You woke up the whole damn house.  And the only reason your in bed is because you finally passed out and we were able to carry you upstairs."

Buffy was awake now.  Anne thought the look on her face was priceless.  "I woke up the entire house?  Oh God, I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"

"Well, Giles tried to get between us and you laid one on him.  Purely by accident.  You were aiming for me.  He has a nice shiner this morning.  Dawn wasn't stupid; she hid out on the stairs until the war was over.  I don't think she'll be getting drunk anytime soon.  And Elizabeth, well she fought back."  Just then, the door to Buffy's room opened.  Anne looked over her shoulder.  "Speak of the devil."

Elizabeth did her best to quietly shut the door behind her.  She had much more sympathy for Buffy's condition than Anne.  She knew she shouldn't have let the two of them go the Bronze by themselves.  They were an accident waiting to happen.  She gingerly walked to Buffy's bedside.  "How's the patient this morning?"  

Anne rolled her eyes.  "She'll live.  I was just filling her in on her adventures last night.  She doesn't seem to remember much of anything."  Anne turned back to look at Buffy.  "What IS the last thing you remember?"

By this time Buffy was propped up against the headboard and totally mortified by her behavior.  "The last thing… I was playing pool with some guy… David?  No.  Dan?  Don?"  

Again, Anne smiled wickedly.  "No, the guy you played pool with was named Arthur.  You threw darts with Dan.  Christ, Slayer, you can't even remember their names?"

Buffy bit her bottom lip.  God, this was frustrating.  "I was playing pool with Arthur, and then I, uh, I…"  She dropped her head into her hands.  "I don't have a clue what I did after that."  

Elizabeth tried to cover her laughter with coughing.  "Arthur and Dan.  Okay.  But you were talking about Leo when you got home.  Yes, I distinctly remember you telling Anne you'd sleep with Leo if you wanted to, and it was none of her business."  Elizabeth's smile was sweet.  "You do remember Leo, right?"

"Leo?"  Buffy's voice cracked.  "Oh come on!  You two are making this up."  She looked at the girls who were shaking their heads in unison.  "You HAVE to be making this up!"

Anne patted Buffy's thigh.  "Wish we were.  Would you like to hear about what you did last night?"  Buffy weakly nodded.  "After finishing your pool game with Arthur, and finishing a few more drinks, you dumped him to throw darts with Dan.  Arthur was crushed.  But like you told him, you really didn't have a choice – Dan had the better butt.  You had to go with him.  Darts were thrown, and some of them actually hit the board.  More drinks were consumed, and then you lost interest in Dan too.  I think the exact words you used were, 'nice ass, but too much nancy-boy attitude'.  But it was okay, because at the bar you found Leo."  Anne voice dripped with sarcasm.  "It was a whirl wind romance.  He asked your name.  You spilled a drink on him.  He bought you another.  You were hooked.  He was perfect!  I know, because you wouldn't shut up about it all the way home.  But, I digress.  Leo, yes Leo.  The best man in all of Sunnydale.  But like all tragic heroes, Leo had one flaw – he couldn't dance.  So you decided to get on a tabletop and dance for him.  That's when I decided it was time we went home."

Funny little noises escaped from Buffy's throat as she tried to form a complete sentence.  "I… we… I…"  She just couldn't get the words to come out.

Anne continued.  "Leo followed us out of the Bronze.  He tried to make a scene.  Tried to grab your arm and drag you back inside.  Finally, I punched him.  Knocked him out cold in one.  You didn't seem to care.  Hell, you didn't seem to notice.  The walk home was fairly quite except for you yakking in my ear.  No one was going to tell you what to do anymore.  If you wanted to hop to parallel dimensions, you'd hop to parallel dimensions.  You were a free woman.  You could date whoever you wanted.  You could sleep with whoever you wanted.  And tonight, that was going to be Leo.  But for whatever reason it took you until we walked into the house to realize we had left him back at the Bronze.  And that's when you started arguing with me.  Because I was the one who took you away from perfect Leo.  And the living room, is trash."         

Buffy's face was a myriad of color; green from the hangover, beet red from embarrassment, stark white from shock.  She couldn't control it.  "I said I was going to sleep with a guy named Leo?  A guy I couldn't pick out of a police line-up right now if you paid me?"  Buffy's eyes moved between the other two Slayers, waiting for some kind of explanation.  Neither said a word.  "I couldn't have drunk that much.  It just isn't humanly possible.  I refuse to believe it.  Refuse!  The two of you are lying."  Buffy threw her legs over the side of the bed.  Her hangover just didn't seem to be that important any more.  Her first priority was to get away from the two women laugh at her.  Her second was to check out the living room.  "I'm going downstairs to see the living room for myself.  And when I find everything in perfect order, I'm coming back up her to kick both your asses."  With that, she marched at of her room.

"There's that perfect word again."  Elizabeth punched Anne lightly in the arm for her comment.  "Hey, it's not my fault she lost her mind."

Elizabeth glared.  "I can't believe you let her get that drunk.  You were supposed to be watching her.  You knew how upset she was about Spike and you let her –"  Elizabeth never finished her sentences.  The scream coming from downstairs interrupted her thoughts.  "She saw the living room.  Let's go."

Anne crossed her arms in front of her.  And to think, last night she thought Buffy letting off a little steam was a good idea.  "She made the mess; she can clean it up herself.  I have no sympathy for her."

Elizabeth grabbed Anne's arm, pulling her up from the bed.  "You helped with that mess.  You're the one who sent her flying across the room, landing on the coffee table."  Elizabeth dragged a reluctant Anne behind her.  "And as for the mantle…"

---TBC


End file.
